Fear of Rejection – Why do I care?

At most of the places I have worked, when a client comes in, the girls are asked to line up or go in separately and present themselves to the man. This beauty parade reminds me that the men regard me as something to be bought. I know that from a feminist viewpoint, this is demeaning and treats me like a commodity. But the fact is that for me displaying myself is often the most exciting part of the process.

A funny thing is that even now when a client is choosing his girl. I really want to be chosen – even if the guy is unappealing. I guess this is a sign of insecurity but it means that I do every thing I can to be chosen. The management at most places I work tend to discourage too much contact at this stage but I try ways to make men notice me.

At some places, the girls are called out in a group and lined up and the guy chooses on the spot. There, the most I can do is smile and try to look as sexually available and open as possible. It is a fine balance between looking a hot little slut and looking plain silly.

I prefer when I can present myself to the guy- I walk up close to him s he sits in his chair or couch. I lean over slightly and let him see my cleavage – I haven’t got big boobs but they can be made exciting if I dress the right way - I spend a lot of time thinking of dressing right when I am working.

I try to make it clear that I am hot and willing. Some guys ask do I give good head and I tell them that it’s my special skill – some ask am I a hot slut and I tell them that I will be so hot they’ll get burnt or the like.

I try never to be offended no matter what the guy says. I have had men call me a lot of things – sometimes pretty racist and often meant to put me down, like “cheap little whore” or so on.

Also, I also look at the man’s reaction – does he looks at my tits or my face? – some prefer more polite and I can play that part if it helps. However, I must confess I have better success with men who want sluts. I act dirty better than I act pure.

I wish I could say I get selected all the time but even though I try hard, it is not true. Although I am not ugly, I am not the prettiest girl, I know. However, I am quite successful - when I was working with Sue in the earlier days, I was often chosen over her and she is the most beautiful girl I know – I never could understand why anyone would not choose her.

All the same, whenever I am not chosen, I feel a sense of failure. Why? I need to be chosen – my husband says that it is because I am not confident and still not aware of just how sexually desirable I am – I hope he is right but I think he is biased.

Maybe it is this lack of confidence that made me act like a complete slut when I started working and my husband was still living with his ex-wife– after a shift, I would quite often go out to a club and get picked up and fuck some total stranger.
But maybe, that was just that I was excited at finding how much I liked fucking around?

Tuesday 21 August 2007 - 01:06PM (EST)