Heart-to heart with Annette

The other morning, when John and our daughter had set out for their days outside, I deliberately slid into bed beside Annette where she was still resting and gave her a big kiss. She is finding it very hard to be active as she draws near to the birth and I know she really only wants petting.

I then said to her that we really needed to talk about things – we never took time to say what we really thought. I was always being surprised by her and wanted to know what she was thinking and also I needed her to know how special she is to me. This has become more urgent with Lin and Chantelle having complicated things in the last weeks.

Annette seemed to liven up immediately saying “You mean you still like me?” “No I don’t like you, I love you, silly girl” I replied. “I wasn’t sure”, she said “I thought with John and Chantelle I had no place”.

“John is central to me, you know that, but Chantelle could never replace you – I really don’t have any real communication with her – very pretty, I admit but I could never live and talk with her like this and this is what builds a relationship.”

“So do you want to fuck her?”

“Well, she is very sexy … but I know you don’t like it and so I think it isn’t worth the risk to our relationship.”

“I am jealous, I know, but I also know that John is right – you thrive on variety and expecting you not to explore is not going to work and in the long run will not be right for any of us.“

Then I asked something that Annette had hinted about: “Before I forget, can I ask you something – why did you say that Lin is definitely not interested in me.”

Annette moved around a bit and gave me a big kiss and said “Sometimes, Grace you surprise me – you’re the cleverest girl I know but you can miss the obvious things right in front of your face. Lin is madly and completely in love with John – that’s why John wants us to form a filter between him and her – he is trying to move her off him but gently. It’s my fault really. I sang John’s praises to her so much and then encouraged you to have threesomes – even before she got to know him I had told her all about John and how he was so good for you accepting your sexuality, supporting you emotionally and respecting you so much – seeing your deep worth and valuing it.” (I am almost embarrassed to write this – Annette was obviously trying to flatter me.) “Lin idolises you – she wants to imitate you – be a lesbian with an ability to happily fuck men and to form the strongest and deepest relationship with a man. But she isn’t you – she is straight and her lesbian relationships are always forced – I found that – and she isn’t strong like you – she can’t cope with fucking all these strangers- even if she enjoys fucking itself more than you do.”

Annette continued “I feel really bad – I encouraged her with John, pushed her forward – I wasn’t thinking about Lin or John – all I was thinking was to get you to myself – it wasn’t until John talked to us the other day that it hit me how wrong I was – how damaging this can be to Lin and just how vulnerable she is – actually John is very annoyed with me because he picked up on what I was doing and how I was using Lin.”

There was just so much information in this that I was overwhelmed: Me a lesbian?.John angry at Annette? “Lin loving John? Annette wanting to get me to herself? Lin idolising me? Me being strong? (john had said the same thing the other day)

I asked the question that hit me most. “How can you say I am a lesbian? I like fucking men, John is the centre of my life – I’m not just saying it – I crave and need him to fill my life – I think of him all the time. I went off with the hunk and enjoyed fucking him. I think I am bi.”

Annette laughed “You are probably right – you are bi but with a heavy lesbian bias. Grace, when I go out with you look at the girls not the guys – and it isn’t just measuring out the competitors. You and Sue are so close – if it weren’t for John, I am sure you would have been a couple – Lisa and I were talking about this and she remarked how she gets nervous about how much Sue adores you and you adore her – she is jealous. But then we agreed it is a good thing you are not a couple – you are both so strong-willed it would be endless battles. Yes, you went off with the hunk but you could detach from him so easily – a straight girl wouldn’t have. When you fuck clients, you’re more focused on proving yourself a slut than on having sex with men. But, at the same time, you have fucked about a 100 girls I think and lusted after them all. Even now there are Sandra and Chantelle – no guy apart from John would get the attention from you that they get- would you make time for any man, the way you do for girls.”

“What about F.?”

“He pays you to fuck him – that’s different – ultimately he’s a client.”

She continued “John is special – you are right, you deeply love him – I know that – he has been a base in your life – a support and he has a part in your heart that is so strong but I never see it as a man-loving thing – he is a special person to you and although he fucks you , it is much more than his cock that you love – just like Lisa is by nature straight but couldn’t give up Sue”

“So why are you trying to separate me from John then – if he is so good for me?” I think I sounded annoyed (which I am). Annette was clearly very uncomfortable.

“I’m sorry, Grace, I know I’m wrong but you don’t know how it feels to be so much in love with you – I need you so much. I know I am wrong and I know John is very mistrustful of me and I do love John but I want you to myself totally. I won’t always be this fat blimp and I can love you and care for you and be your lover in everyway. I want to make you happy and bring up our children together as a loving family.”

“But, they’re John’s children too.” I retorted.

I noticed there were tears in Annette’s eyes – I think I sounded very annoyed.

“Annette”, I sighed, “you have to accept that I cannot give up John. I want us to work out but I will not let anything stand between me and John – the time I was away from him was becoming the darkest in my life – I was aching when I thought of you and him together, when I thought that I might never again have him hold me or fuck me. I hated myself for my stupidity – if I let go of him again, I can only curse myself forever. I love you and I want to be with you the rest of my life but don’t ask me t choose between John and yourself because you will not like the answer,”

Annette was sobbing and I held her to comfort her and said “please let’s work with what we’ve got. I want to be with you when you have your son and I want him to grow up with us as a family “

Annette said “I know that it is the best and I am sorry but please don’t hate me”.

I assured Annette that I do not hate her and we moved off the subject – too much intensity and introspection can be draining and clearly Annette was getting upset – I do not like her upset at any time but especially not at this time.

The conversation did, however, raise a lot of doubts in me – I may have to redefine a lot of my thoughts – I have been too egotistic – I have in the past defined both Annie and Lin in terms of myself without appreciating that they might have another focus: John and that they could want him so much. I had made that mistake with Annie and now I was making the same mistake with Lin. Also, am I a lesbian? Am I really as strong as my friends think I am – I do not feel that strong. I will have to think about this and I really want to talk to John and get his perspective but I am feeling a little unsure whether I want to hear what he says – I know I am scared that John might be wearying of my silliness and also that I might challenge our relationship – whatever else I know I need him most of all.

Saturday 7 February 2009 - 09:29AM (EST)