Black Days

I have been forced to put the issues of the last weeks to the side a bit because something very important has come up.

On the whole I am a reasonably happy person I think, especially nowadays with such a wonderful group of family and friends. There are, however, still days when the world seems grim and my life futile. On those days, I look at myself and see a stupid young woman who can only fuck around pointlessly and, I wonder why I bother and when will my friends see me for what I am and abandon me. After my rape I have felt this more than for a long time but the support of my friends has been phenomenal and has held the thoughts at bay.

It is not rational thinking since I ignore the positives and find hopelessness in anything I look at. It is hard to describe the feeling and for me it seems to be related to the time of month but it is very destructive and years ago before I was living with John this feeling of despair was so overwhelming that I almost gave up on life completely. Fortunately I always pulled out of the mood. After living with John, he has always reached out and been a lifeline for me and even on my blackest days I have never been too close to giving up. What I have learnt is how dangerous depression can be and I understand at least partially how the “black dog” could destroy a sufferer even to the extent of taking their life.

Those who say that “he or she should pull himself or herself together” are also dangerous because they trivialise part of the human condition and apply a simplistic view to a highly vulnerable part of human frailty – often to the point that a depression sufferer is driven away and deeper into themselves when everyone should be reaching out to them to help them out. Being strong and pulling yourself out of it are not always the way of solving problems – sometimes it is ok to lean on others. It is not surprising that men suffer more since they are not allowed by our society to discuss and show their weakness. “Idle chatter” has been so often a saviour for me.

But I want to tread carefully. I am not an expert on depression and I do not want to give advice on how to treat the problem.

So why am I raising it? It is simply because the problem has been forced upon me alarmingly but not definitely. Essentially Sue and I are really worried about John – he has moved totally within himself and he is less bright and cheerful than at any time I have known him, he seems worn down by work and life and he is less communicative.

I had noticed he was down but it was Sue who focussed me. Sue said she was reluctant to raise it with me because of recent events but she said she was getting very worried it was much more than just being tired and she asked about depression. She said she thought I would never forgive her if she did not raise her worries and something went wrong.

She was careful to make it clear she trusted me completely and wanted to discuss this because she thought that John was – possibly for the first time in his life – completely overwhelmed and very down. We know his work is pressured – lots of internal politics and John is just too decent to be good at back-stabbing. Home is also stressful with my rape and Annette’s actions– Savita’s presence and the related complications have not helped – surprisingly Sue who is my worst (i.e. most honest) critic made it very clear that she was not blaming me.

Sue emphasised Annette’s attacks and the loss of contact with his little boy and the impact on John given his innate sense of respect and good intentions towards others. She is very angry about this and I tend to agree with her but I am not sure yet how to deal with it. Also I cannot hide from my sense of having contributed far too much to the stress upon him.

Both Sue and I have tried talking to John – but he changes the subject. As always, he does not want to trouble others. Lisa has also tried talking, given she is also very fond of John, but with no more success. John maintains he is o.k. and he is just tired. That may be true but he is clearly down, less certain of himself and struggling to maintain a happy face. He is not himself – he is still marvellous but looks almost defeated.

He is still the greatest dad possible to his daughter but even there I have seen levels of irritation and sharp words when she misbehaves that do not match his natural warmth. I also know that when he speaks sharply to our daughter, he feels very guilty afterwards – she on the other hand happily sails through the harsh words knowing that her daddy loves her and she can trust him 100% on anything. Sometimes I think our daughter’s apparent indifference to Daddy’s words makes him feel he is not that important to her but I know just how much she waits for him to come home and how much she wants cuddles from him – he is a central point of her life.

I know John is very likely to read this and part (if not all) of the reason for writing is to confront him and remind him that Sue, Lisa and I all want to help in any way we can. We all respect him deeply and have all received his help so often – if he is down, he does not have to just cope with it – he can talk about it to any of us. For me, personally, I owe so much to him that see him down makes me feel ashamed about my not being a better support to him.

The importance I place upon John means that I have broken away from my usual approach to this blog – I write it and then let others read when I have published on-line –and this time I had Sue carefully read this before I publish – I want to be careful not to aggravate the situation and also not to say something silly. I believe Lisa also looked at it. The idiotic style and any bad grammar or spelling are mine – the warm wishes and deep care come from all three.