John Talks, Then Walks?

We had our catch-up and it is, I think, a good thing we did. Quite a bit was unearthed or at least made open. I am fortunate to have friends and family who do not mind speaking honestly.

As Sue predicted, Lisa insisted on coming. So their little daughter was there in her car capsule –she slept most of the time but did create a couple of interruptions as she demanded attention or feeding and Lisa or Sue settled her but I am just so glad Lisa came – she was really strong force to open up issues – she was in an incredibly feisty mood – maybe due to the post-natal hormones and also lack of sleep - but this just resulted in her putting her views more forcefully. In fact, she was more outspoken than Sue who was happy to let Lisa push their views.

It started with John thanking us all for the care we had shown. At first he had been a bit uncomfortable with the attention of us but he said he knew we all meant well and that he had to respond. He apologised for worrying us and stressed that he was ok.

I immediately said “And how often have I worried you? John, don’t apologise – you have been there for all of us so often –you must be able to tell us if you’re upset- I know I want to know and I am pretty sure Sue and Lisa feel the same.” Sue and Lisa both agreed fervently.

He said that since we had asked questions, he should explain a bit about what he felt. He said he found it hard to talk about his own feelings and so asked us to be patient.

First, he said that work was not fun at all but there was not much he could do about it. He wasn’t too worried about losing his job since he is good at it but if he did lose it, he could survive although if he lived to 90 he might only be able to afford to eat pet food –he hoped to keep his job for another six months so that he might at least be able to afford premium grade pet food. He said that with such lack of any visual emotion that only I picked up his humour – it is that ability to be so dry about things that is one of the special features I love about him.

Then he admitted that his inability to see his son was getting him down. He had felt something so strong for his little son when he first saw him and it was painful to think he might seldom or never see him again. However, he knew his son was safe and being cared for and that was a consolation. There wasn’t much to do about it but just try to see if Annette relented over time.”

I know I feel furious and Sue and Lisa are intensely angry about what Annette has done. Savita has called Annette a nasty bitch to me but none of us wanted to say much except that Lisa said “John, we understand – I could not imagine being separated from my daughter – it is natural that you feel a deep loss.”

Then, he said “And now the last issue – Savita and Grace – I look at them and I cannot feel angry or bitter – it is just too beautiful how they complement each other. I have been trying to decide what to do.”

“Hold on a second, John”, said Lisa “tell me just why you have to decide anything – Grace has to decide what to do for once in her life instead of pushing everything on to you as she always does – whether she will stay with the best person she could ever have or go off on some goofball chase of some Indian whore.”

“No Lisa”, John replied very firmly. “I know that you mean the best for me and your friendship is speaking but I have to disagree very strongly with you – first you cannot talk about Savita like that – she is warm, genuine and loving – she is honest and upfront. I have watched her with Grace over the week she stayed with us and the depth of communication is much deeper than either of them fully realises. That is why I cannot just leave it as Grace’s decision – I know she has decided she must stay. She told me that – and I know that Savita has not resisted even though I suspect that it is eating her up.”

“Grace is being so loyal”, he continued. “”I know she feels she owes me something and also she is scared of not having my perceived support. The fact is that she has moved beyond me and she does not need me as much as she thinks and she does not owe me so much that she should put her and Savita’s happiness at risk. I want her to choose what she wants and not what she feels duty to do.”

Lisa said nothing but did not look very convinced. She seemed to glare at Savita and me but Savita did not respond.

John returned his main line of reasoning. “So, I see so promising future for you two, Savita and Grace. I could hold on and fight but for what point? Even if I win, no one is happy and I lose. So, I have decided to encourage you to see if you can build a life together. The only thing that saddens me is our daughter – how can I let go and accept that I am to see her less – however good it is for everyone.”

Savita spoke for the first time. “What the fuck, John, Do you think I would let you break with your daughter even a bit? Do you think I could accept that? What kind of bitch do you take me for? I am not an Annette. John, I’ve watched you and Grace and you talk about things and you are great together – you underrate your importance to her - but you and your daughter – no father-daughter relation could be more loving. To interfere with that would poison everything - including my relationship with Grace. I love Grace beyond belief – my body craves her and the joy I feel being with her is so great that even though know I should walk away, I haven’t. But John – if it threatens things between your daughter and you – I must go.”

She was getting more and more emotional as she spoke and was almost in tears by the end. I reached for her but Lisa was there first and put her hand on Savita’s shoulder.

“Savita, maybe I misjudged you – I see why John respects you – you are right that John must not be separated from his daughter but that just means we must find the best solution – and I’m getting a strong sense that you going away is not the best solution. Can I ask a dumb question –in the short run until things get clearer would it be too hard for the three of you to live in the same house?”

Savita said “I shouldn’t move in – it is disruptive.”

John said “It is more disruptive if Grace is missing you.”

“My parents would object.” Savita responded.

“You are old enough – can your parents decide this?”

Lisa said –“You two! What is this - some competition for who is the best person? I sacrifice myself for you and so on… I have to go home some time – get to the point – Grace what do you think?”

“For me, it is just perfect to be with Savita and have John around but I know my convenience may not be the best thing for everyone.”

“O.k. At least I can rely on Grace: she says what she wants. She wants to fuck Savita” said Lisa. “Now I’m going to say something very unpopular – John, you maybe right about Grace and Savita being great together – what do I know- I’m just a hooker. But I do know that Grace’s continual fucking around and stupid drama-queen act have worn you out – you need a relationship with someone more normal and who values you for what you are – the greatest guy I know – but, John, you also need someone even if it is short term – you are lousy on your own.”

“Where are you leading to, Lisa?” Sue asked dubiously.

“I’m leading to the fact that we don’t have that many chances at the moment to talk frankly – and we need to discuss that John needs a fuck-partner if Savita and Grace are fucking together – he can’t be left alone –and John is too shy to easily get one -I know three immediate candidates: there’s Lin – a great fuck and absolutely mad about John but a hooker like Grace and a bit messed up, Annie – sure she’s got a cock but she’s hot for John and sexy – trouble is she’s a hooker too and just as messed up.”

“Who’s the third one?” asked Sue quite anxiously. “You?”

“Oh Sue! I’m fucking married to you – sure I fancy John but I’m not going to throw away all our stuff for him. I don’t fuck around - just trust me!”

“So who is the third one, then?” I asked intrigued.

“Fuck, I’m going to be unpopular if I say – oh what the hell – it’s that little virgin who’s been listening in to us all evening and has the hots for John big time.”

We all turned to face where Lisa was looking and sure enough there was my sister who had been sitting unobtrusively listening in. She went bright red and said “Lisa you can’t say that.”

“Honey, I’m a whore and I talk like this – I can say it and I have.”

I saw that Sue was trying hard to suppress giggles but I was felling very uncomfortable partly for my sister but also for John who I thought was being put on the spot – he is not comfortable with scenes like this.

John said “Lisa! Leave the poor girl alone – she doesn’t need to be teased.”

Lisa suddenly changed tone and spoke very seriously. “O.k. John; maybe I put it badly but here’s the facts. She adores you - she needs to get fucked by someone and you seem the best candidate since she is so horny for you. And for you, you get to fuck a beautiful young virgin who might be the right person for you. I’m deadly serious, John. I have watched a long time you two and I reckon you are pretty good together – both nice people.”

My sister spoke – and I was surprised that she did not even try to deny Lisa’s claims. “Lisa. Don’t tease me. John wants Grace not me. I am not a Grace-substitute. If he asked me to go to bed with him, I would but he isn’t going to because I am not attractive to him. So leave me alone.”

Everyone was staring at John and I knew I had to step in: “Leave off, Lisa I know you mean well but you can’t just organise people’s lives. John needs to make his choices and not be arranged by any of us. It’s time to back off and stop embarrassing both John and my sister.”

My sister looked at John and said “John, I am so sorry to embarrass you. I shouldn’t have said I want to sleep with you.”

John said “I am just so flattered that you said it - how could I not be when a beautiful, attractive girl says something like that– it is only you are Grace’s sister and this makes it very complicated.”

Sue said “John, I know it is not my place to say anything but I think Lisa’s views have a lot of sense in them – don’t dismiss it too quickly.” I actually felt surprisingly jealous about the idea of John fucking my sister even though I know I have no right to be and maybe it makes a degree of sense but I’m unreasonably jealous – and that’s why I must stay out of it and leave it to John and my sister.

I think we were all a bit overwhelmed by Lisa’s pushing. Sue apologised saying “Lisa is in fine form today but we all need sleep”. She said that she was relieved that John was opening up – but could he please come and talk more to them –they were worried about their best friend. They then headed off quite quickly.

So John, my sister, Savita and I sat there awkwardly with Savita finishing up saying that she must go home – John suggested she stay but she said she had promised to be home – so John offered a lift and somewhat to my surprise she accepted it. I offered to drive her but she said “John’s a much better driver!”

Before they set out, John said “Savita, I realise that it may be hard for you but I want to say this in front of Grace – as far as I am concerned I think it would be good if you and Grace are staying together – I can adjust around you in whatever way is helpful – I can stay or move out as you wish. So it is really between Grace and you.”

“I would like Savita to be staying here but that’s totally selfish”, I said.

Savita said “I cannot lie, I have been fantasising about this ever since I met Grace again – but I am scared to so it – I know I will always regret it if I don’t try but I also worry how my parents feel if I move out on them – they like having me at home.”

“Would be better if Grace moved in with you?”

“No, I think my parents would be really uncomfortable.”

“Maybe you don’t move out completely.” I suggested. “You could stay with them 1 or 2 nights but stay the other nights with me.”

“I’ll think about it- Grace, I want it a lot, I promise”

They set out after I extracted a promise that Savita would call me when she got home – I was a bit nervous of what they were saying to each other.

Then I had to face my sister.

She was off the mark immediately with “Well, big sister. Going to lecture me? I know I made a fool of myself and now John hates me.”

“You are a rank amateur at making a fool of yourself – you’re talking to an expert - and John definitely does not hate you – he is just very embarrassed and you can thank Lisa for that.”

“I’m glad she said it – even it looks me look like a fool – I found it is so hard keeping it in.”

“You really like him?”

“Yes. So much.”

“John is great but he is much older than you – 30 years.”

“Yes so when he’s 80. I will be 50 and able to care for him properly."

“That’s a bit of forward planning!”

My sister blushed – “It’s stupid but these last months, I just dream of being with him and I do think the long term – I’m silly.”

“Can you cope with the fact that he likes hookers and has a past – including me.”

“I know all about it. Someone obviously told him I liked him and one day, he just told me why I shouldn’t like him and went through it all – the hookers, transsexuals everything. I think he wanted me to feel repelled but I did not. You think if it Grace – your girlfriend works in an office, does not sleep with men and is not even that active with women, I gather, but she accepts and adores you even though you sleep with anything that moves. At least, John is a wonderfully nice warm person who treats everyone well - so why shouldn’t I been drawn to him even if he is a bit sexually active. He doesn’t lie to me about it.”

Somehow I felt under attack and replied “I don’t lie about it.”

“No, you advertise it – hey, I’m a slut - you should all worship me.”

“What have I done wrong? Why are you so angry at me?”

“I’m not angry – I just get tired that somehow you’re so special. I tell Mum that I like John and she gives me a lecture about how he is your husband and I should stay clear and then she tells me ‘If Grace likes Savita, we must respect her.’ What about me? And you always act like some sort of drama queen – just like Lisa said. I know my life has been easy but sometimes I feel things too - and I am hurting sometimes when I look at John and want him and know that nobody approves and John thinks I’m stupid.”

I was actually shocked – my sister always seems so self-possessed and I had totally failed to see how she was feeling. It made me feel uncomfortable with myself.

“I do wish you would stop saying that John thinks you’re stupid – he doesn’t. But I know him – he’ll be scared of corrupting you. He thinks you are so sweet and he wants the very best for you. But the trouble is, even if you think it is ok to sleep with John, it won’t be good if he feels he is cheating you – you must get him comfortable that you want him and that he is not harming you.”
“So you are ok with me sleeping with him?”

“It doesn’t matter what I feel. What matters is what John and you want. I tell you one thing – it’s not physical attraction that the problem for him. I know he thinks you are exceedingly desirable.”

“Maybe I should go and get a job as a hooker so that John can feel at ease?”

“That’s just silly. Everyone would be absolutely worried about it and it looks too much like you are punishing John for respecting you and not just fucking you.”

“So, what do I do, big sister? How do I get what I want?”

“Why are you asking me? I don’t know.”

“Because, big sister, you always get what you want? You have Savita – you keep John as a back-up and so when you say ‘I don’t know’, you mean’ I don’t care’”.

The anger in my sister’s voice was ominous. “Well, little sister, if I don’t care then I guess I should just tell you to move out – but I do care, it’s just that I think that if I get involved, I just make things more complicated.”

“I don’t want you fucking involved – I want advice. How do I get John to sleep with me and not treat me like a pure and untouchable girl?”

“My advice is that you have to maintain a balance between respecting John’s right to decide and expressing a serious interest in him. Convince him you want to sleep with him and show interest but not too hard. Because he doesn’t say what he wants, it is easy to just do what you want with him. Maybe you can get a fuck out of him this way but to get a relationship then realise he is an intelligent man who needs respect.”

“So, I shouldn’t make a move on him?”

“You better make the move – he won’t – but just don’t force it and treat him as an equal in the move – I think he might make some moves back if you give him confidence and respect.”

“Makes sense – maybe you are not the worst big sister after all.”

“Thanks.”

My sister then went off to have a shower. I was left to think. John said to me when I suggested that my sister had a crush on him, that it was because she had too much time on her hands and no male friends – he said that if she had a job she would drop him in a second. I am not so sure.

Savita called me and said that John had dropped her off and was on the way back. I pushed her on what they discussed and she said that she had asked why he was so keen for her to move in – he said it was because we had known each other 7 years – it was time to act and he thought it would not become easier if she waited. She said he pushed her a bit on when she would decide and she finally admitted that she had already decided she wanted to and John suggested she move in next Sunday and she said she would give an answer. My heart gave a big jump when I heard that. It was so quick but I knew I wanted it. I am hungry to be with her – even though I am back at work, I am not really enjoying it and I long for the intimacy I have built with Savita over the last few weeks.

I babbled with excitement and Savita sensing my delight said “So you really d want it?” “More than I can say. Do you doubt it?” She was silent a second and then said “To be honest I can’t see why you like me better than Sylvie or Wei - I’m not as sexy as them .” “Oh you are! And it’s not just sexy – I feel I can link with you like no one else.” “Thank you, my husband”, she replied.

I fell asleep almost immediately and when I woke I realise John was home and sleeping in the couch. I went out to ask him if he wanted to come to bed.”

He said, “It’s Savita’s and your bed now, Grace.”

I realise I will quite likely never have sex with John again and that was sad for me given all we have been through. Saddest was that our last fuck was that nightmare after my rape – it is so unfitting an end to what has been a passionate sexual relationship. But maybe, it was also fitting in that it was John once again giving me support and love in a way no other man has.

He was right – Savita is my bed-mate now. It is better to face that was our last fuck but I do feel a degree of sadness and a sense of loss that the sexual relationship has ended between John and me although I hope friendship can still be there. I also feel so very guilty about John – I have taken too much from him.