John

John has read my last blog – Sue sent it to him, rang him up and told him to - and he told me that he was “flattered” by our concern. Rather than responding to each of us separately, he thought he should explain himself to Sue and me at one go and suggested we have a catch-up. He said that probably Lisa would be too tied up with her daughter.

He said however before this he would talk briefly with me because I was so worried. He admitted that he was stretched by work. Also there were some things that were on his mind and his son was certainly one of them. He said that he wanted to talk about Savita but would prefer to do it when she was there.

I told him that I had learnt from my stupidity with Anna and I would never abandon him – I had learnt his value to me in so many ways and that although Savita was wonderful, my relationship with him was long and deep– he should not lose sight of it.

He surprised me so much then by saying. “Let’s get this clear, Grace, Savita is not Anna – she is a clever genuine person who loves you and with whom you are building emotional ties deeper than I think you realise. Anna was selfish and manipulative, seeking to use you – yes, Anna was turned on and attracted by you but she never respected you. Savita is a warm person who respects you so deeply and is so concerned to care for you. It is not as easy as saying I won’t make the same mistake because, Grace, I always thought that Anna was a mistake and I warned you that – with Savita I have a horrible feeling that the mistake would be to walk away. With Anna I was angry with you and very hurt. With Savita I have watched her pull you round from the rape and my initial impressions from what you had told me were confirmed. She is an exceptionally strong and loving person. That is what makes it harder and why I have been thinking so much. That is why if she doesn’t mind – and it is a rather unreasonable demand – I would like her to come to this catch-up.”

“I will ask her and I think she will come. I haven’t said this before, John, because I have been reluctant to throw her in your face but I have talked quite a bit about you with her and she has the deepest respect for you – when I mentioned depression she googled it and asked me question after question. She told me that my obligations to you are such that she will not accept me if I am hurting you in any way – she says from the blog and what we have discussed, she has realised that you deserve my total loyalty – it is this that confirmed my belief that I have to be with you.”

“Let’s leave that until we are all together, I am not convinced she is right but I know she is basically good-willed which is why I ask you never to put Anna and Savita together in comparisons. But, Grace, the only other thing I am going to say now is that I am o.k. – not the happiest I have been – but o.k. I am not suicidal or anything near that. “

I heard that and I believe him – he is completely rational and clear – but even so, I think a conversation is a good idea. I rang Sue and Savita and we have set up a get-together for tomorrow. Savita said that her coming if he wanted was not at all an unreasonable demand given he had been so good to her in letting her stay after my rape. Sue said she was so keen too hear what John said – she and Lisa are so concerned that he is ok. Her only comment was that it would be hard to stop Lisa coming.