Bad

Last night I was raped. I cannot fully express the horror – for the second time in my working life I have been raped. Again, it was when I was heading home from work but this time I was walking on a reasonable main street and not a laneway – I do not live far from my brothel and I was walking home after a late shift (1am) – John has always told me I should drive or get him to pick me up – even if it is only a 15 minute walk – and so I was dumb. The guy grabbed me from behind and pulled me into a laneway, showing me a knife, pushed me against the concrete, ripped off my clothes and fucked me in the cunt and then fucked me in the ass into which he shot his load. And then he left me lying in the gutter and ran off taking my bag which contained condoms, lube and a book I was reading – fortunately I try not to have anything valuable or identifying in my bag since occasionally one of the girls is a thief. Unfortunately I was carrying my takings ($540) for the day and night. My keys were in my pocket and I did not lose them. I recognised the guy as a customer at where I work – I think I saw him once.

My clothes were damaged and I was scraped by rubbing against the concrete – when I got home, I tried to sneak in and wash myself up but John heard me come in and got out of bed to see what was wrong – he said he couldn’t explain it but the way I entered the flat wasn’t usual. As soon as he asked what was wrong, I burst into tears and told everything. John was so gentle with me – My sister heard the noise and came out and John asked did I want her to help clean me up – I asked him if he would mind terribly if he did it – I don’t know why I asked exactly - partly because I feel a shyness in front of my sister - but also because I have a deep trust of John –somehow I felt really dirty and was sacred of rejection and needed trust.

John took me to the bathroom and gently wiped my face, stripped off my clothes wiping the scraped skin with antiseptic wash. He talked about the police and taking a swab but I refused absolutely – they would not be sympathetic to a hooker and I was feeling too fragile – I know I should try and stop the man but I couldn’t face it. John said I could talk with a woman officer – I said they were the worst – so contemptuous. John didn’t push me – he was all the time working with me and then he started to wipe me around the pussy and ass – very gently (actually too gently at first) cleaning me up and then he took me in the shower and we showered together with him soaping me all over and then wiping me – he got out and I washed my hair on my own while he waited. Then he examined my scratches and carefully put antiseptic cream on. Fortunately there was no serious damage just some grazes.

John apologised that he really wasn’t good at cleaning me – but to me the care and love that he applied were more helpful than anything I could have received from anyone else. I asked John just to hold me for a bit and he held me and gently caressed me not saying anything.

I was feeling slightly better when I got out of the bathroom. My sister was waiting for us and she held me and I burst into tears again, crying on her shoulders. It was too fresh and horrible in my mind. Then John and my sister put me to bed – I asked John to stay with me – suddenly I asked him to fuck me – I wanted to wash away the feeling of dirty and I asked him to cum in my ass – John doesn’t enjoy anal and so I was asking a favour. I just wanted John’s cum to wash out that man’s. Not rational, I am sure. It was too hard on John who was very tired already and is pressured in so many ways from the loss of access to his son through to his uncertainty about me and Savita. He felt it hard to cum since he was not in the mood and anal was a turn-off but he did it. I feel a bit bad about how much I used him.

Today, John took a day off to be with me. We talked about it quite a bit – actually I talked and he listened most of the time, although he did ask a few questions. First he asked me if I wanted him to call any of my friends to help me get past this point – I said that Sylvie would be good – she is so sensible. He asked about Savita and Sue. I said I was too ashamed to tell Savita. As for Sue, she was too busy with her daughter. He said Sue would be very offended if I didn’t tell her and I sort of agreed but he was silent about Savita.

The only time John pressed his opinion was when I said it was my fault for walking home, he argued strongly against me saying in no way is it my fault – that he hoped if I continued working (which was posed as a question from him to me), I would come home by car but what happened was not my fault – it was only one person’s fault and reminded me how I talk and have written about not blaming the victim. I told John I did not want to stop working because of that man – it would give him power over me – if I stopped it would be because I wanted to stop for my own reasons. John didn’t push me at all although I sense he is very worried about me.

I am typing this up mid-afternoon, facing the last 14 hours and struggling to understand what I am really feeling. Why am I so upset about being fucked when I do it for a living? Why do I feel so angry? Why am I so silly? I’ve heard John’s answers but do I believe them?