Changes and Decisions

My sister told me that she has decided to have a baby with John. My first question was that has she talked it over with John and she had. He had some concerns since he pointed out his age and had responsibilities already for two children.

Her response was that she took total responsibility for having the baby and if she waited, John would get older. She said she wanted to have a baby with the only man she loves and wants to sleep with. She understood he was already responsible for two other children but was it fair that she should never have a child because of this – and she said that she only wanted a baby with the man who was her life partner.

John had accepted her comments but suggested she should wait. They have only been lovers a short time. She said she didn’t want to wait. She knew her heart. John finally agreed she told me andshe had stopped taking the pill last month.
She then asked me how I felt about it. My comment was it was not my right to feel anything – this was between John and her but I did wonder if was not a bit rushed.

Her comment was that John was in his fifties – she had to be realistic that he would be around forever and she wanted her child to have as many years with his or her marvellous dad as is possible. She said she wished she had had more time with our dad. (That hit me hard because I lost too many years with him because of my quarrel with my family – and it is one of my deepest debts to John that he pushed me to reconcile – I have lot of guilt there given how good a man my dad was.)

My sister stressed that she knew John would still focus on our daughter and he would not neglect her. She said she wanted my support and hoped I would accept her child. I assured her that I wanted John and her to be as happy as possible.

She said that I was the first person she had told of her decision but she was going to tell our mum and Savita. I commented how close she seemed to be to Savita- emphasising that I was happy about this. My sister said “It’s not really surprising. We live together. We both have life partners who are much more experienced than us - we both love our partners so much and worry how to keep them happy and satisfied and how to hold on to them. We both love sex but only with our partner. We compare notes and talk about our worries.”

After Mum heard she called me and we talked. She was anxious. She worried that it was too early. I said that nothing would change my sister’s mind – she was set on it. And I stressed that John was madly in love with her – so we should just hope that it all worked out well. My mother said that at the moment, it was probably best not to mention anything to my brother. Since he is not speaking to us, I thought that it was pretty safe to agree.

Savita was happy that I was not opposed. She said that she agreed with me that it seemed rushed but my sister has her head well screwed on and she was delighted to see her so happy. Then Savita raised a very interesting question which I have been putting off.

“My only question is where will the baby sleep? I think we may need a bigger place? If we move, do we move into one place or two?”

“What do you want?”

“Surprisingly, I wouldn’t mind getting a bigger place together. I am finding sharing with yours sister and John is great – lot’s of support – we don’t trip over each other and it means that your daughter is getting the best attention – I feel it’s working better than I expected . I would be happy to stay here but I just feel the place is too small.”

“You don’t want it to be just you and me?”

“But it is just you and me when we want it – it’s just we live in a community and I know I’ll miss your sister – and to my shock, even John who can be a circuit breaker when things seems to be tense. But probably John and your sister will want to move out – let’s see. I just hope we can stay close.”

I am glad that Savita has such a good attitude towards the current arrangements – it so much mirrors my own feelings and reminds me why I have felt so basically solid these last months. I am in a great environment but life will move on and decisions are waiting and these decisions are as much John and my sister’s as mine.