Organising and Clearing the Air

I mentioned in an earlier blog, that Savita, the love of my life, talked about us being married. I was surprised at first at the choice of words but not upset. In fact, I feel married to Savita in most ways. Legally, I am still married to John but recently I discussed with my sister and him and we have agreed to get a divorce – I think the two of them will get married in about a year.

Although Savita and I had a form of wedding at Savita’s place that was really Savita’s coming out ceremony with her family. We have been talking having a commitment ceremony and we have been busy arranging one for a Sunday in June. I won’t go much into the practical arrangements but we have found a highly sympathetic celebrant who does marriages but also supports oaths of commitments within the Gay and Lesbian Community – in fact Sue and Lisa had a ceremony with her.

I am disappointed because we had aimed to have the ceremony in a park but with 90% probability of 20-40mm of rain, I am very grateful to John for booking an alternative venue – he insisted on paying for it. We will have a dinner afterwards that my mother insisted upon paying for. My sister is arranging flowers and such. I feel really spoilt!

We have invited our friends: Sue and Lisa, Chantelle and Sylvie, Annette and Joanna, Yuki, transsexual Annie, Wei, Meera, Anka and the Hunk. I expected Yuki to decline but she said she wanted to come but the Hunk and Wei said they couldn’t make it. All the others were most insistent on coming including Annie who seemed delighted to be invited.

We also invited our family. As soon as I asked, Mum said she just so much wanted to be there. My sister and John said they wouldn’t miss it for the world. We sent an invitation to my brother and sister-in-law. My sister-in-law rang up and said that since she was pregnant that she couldn’t fly – we all knew that this was just an excuse but at least she replied – I got the feeling that my brother was sulking in the background.

Savita’s brother is overseas at the moment and apologised that he could not make it. Savita asked her parents but they told her they didn’t feel they would be welcome. Savita was upset by this and asked me if I minded speaking to them. I was dubious that this would help but I went with Savita one evening to invite them.

They insisted we have dinner with them and so we sat around the table to dinner and I remembered the almost surreal ceremony we had there. Despite the words they said then, I felt I was intruding on them – I have always felt that they were very disapproving of me and that I should stay out of their way.

Savita’s mother said in what sounded a very sarcastic tone “We are honoured that our daughter’s partner will sit at our table and eat with us.”

“I don’t see this as an honour to you. I feel that probably make you feel uncomfortable and I apologise and promise not to trouble you too often.” I said bluntly.

“Uncomfortable? Trouble?” Savita’s mother seemed genuinely annoyed. “I know it is a trouble for you to visit your partner’s parents. I know you are uncomfortable sitting with old Indian people. I am uncomfortable that we are not worthy of your presence.”

“I have never thought that! I honestly feel that you will be repelled by me - I wanted you to see your daughter often but did not want to force my lifestyle upon you.”

“Didn’t Savita tell you that you were welcome to come?”

“Yes, but it sounded like politeness – a formality.”

“Do you think that we are so prejudiced we would exclude our daughter’s happiness from our lives?”

“Many traditions find it hard to accept my style of life.”

“You mean gay life? We have lived 30 years in Australia – we left India because of prejudice when we married across caste – we are not narrow-minded – I wanted traditional marriage but I accepted a long time ago that it wasn’t going to happen. We are not disowning our daughter. Doesn’t your mother accept you?”

“Yes, she does but my brother is traditional minded and doesn’t.”

“From what I hear, he doesn’t accept Indians not your lifestyle.”

“I am ashamed that there may be truth in what you say – he is ignorant and prejudiced.”

Savita’s mother was sharp and I felt quite under pressure but then she relented and spoke in a warmer tone.

“So, you are saying that you are avoiding us because you think we hate you?”

“I don’t know about hate – I thought I would repel you.”

“I am not repelled by a beautiful young girl who makes my daughter so happy. I am old but not bad – I love my daughter and want her happy. I have had a lot of time to think about it since our first meeting and I know I was wrong not to welcome you the first time. I believe you never forgave me.”

“I have never thought there was anything to forgive. I forced myself upon you and you had every reason to be upset. Can I speak frankly?” I asked.

“Please do!”

“I come from a traditional society. Many Indians are also from a traditional society. I respect this. I have never expected you to embrace you – I was just so glad that you could keep close with the woman I love and not exclude her. I have listened to Anka and Meera and I know how rare such an enlightened response is. I didn’t want to thrust myself upon you – I wanted to respect your boundaries and I tried to guess what these are. I was always feeling a bit excluded from that part of Savita’s life but accepted it.”

“Savita, why didn’t you tell her I wanted to see her?”

“Because, Mum, I didn’t think you did.”

“O.k. Maybe I didn’t say it clearly but, Grace, I really want you to be part of our life … our daughter-in-law. Savita’s …. er, wife – I think that Savita is your husband by the way she speaks but excuse me if I say something wrong. Husband, you agree with me?”

The last bit was addressed to her husband who had been quiet throughout – it wasn’t really a question – more of a command - I felt - and he immediately said “Yes, that is right”. I promised to visit more frequently – we have arranged that we will both visit on Wednesdays and stay overnight – Savita’s mother seemed to really want us to stay and Saturdays are not so easy for me.”

After this conversation, I formally invited them to our ceremony. I stressed how pleased I would be if they could attend and Savita’s mother immediately accepted.

Savita helped her mother tidy up. I offered to help but Savita’s mother said “Next time” and signalled me to stay seated. There was an awkward silence between me and her father as we sat at the table. I could hear Savita and her mother talking away and then Savita asked me “Darling, is it at all possible we stay tonight?”

I was very reluctant because I was meant to take my daughter to school tomorrow morning but Savita looked quite pressed and so I rang my sister who said that she would drop her off at before school care on the way to work. I felt guilty about the trouble I was giving her but my sister told me it was important that I work to be on good terms with my parent-in-laws.
Savita thanked me so much when I agreed Savita suggested we have an early night, When I came to the room, Savita’s mother had already prepared the bed for two.

Savita held me close and said “I’m leaving early – I’ll go direct to work – can you stay a while and talk to my mum. She asked that she could have a woman-to-woman chat with you.”

“What does she want with me? Does she want to say go away? Or tell me how wicked I am? What have you told her about me?”

“Only how great you are – but she guesses a lot – my mum’s not stupid – I really think Mum wants the best but, darling, if she says anything hateful to you, just walk away – remember you are my wife and I’ll drop her before I let you get hurt.”

I slept badly that night, nervous about the forthcoming interview with Savita’s mother. I got up with Savita. Her mum and dad were already up – her father was on his way out and Savita rushed her breakfast.

When Savita had left, I was left with her mother and uncertain what to say. She spoke “Please, daughter-in-law, could you sit and talk with me a bit.”

“Yes, but may I ask one question?”

“Of course.”

“How would you like me to address you?”

“If you don’t mind, I would like ‘mother’ – but perhaps that would be an insult to your own mother?”

“No, ‘mother’ would be an honour.” I replied – I felt relieved that she was at least showing signs that she didn’t want to get rid of me and was willing to accept me.

“You seem quite nervous of me, daughter-in-law.”

“To be frank, you are so strong, so sure, so clever – I am in awe of you – I feel you see through me.”

“Really?”, she laughed. “I so often feel I understand nothing and the last thing I want is ‘awe’. I can tell you that I am nervous of you –you hold the fate of my beloved daughter in your hands. She is so in love with you. I do not want to damage that. At the very first, I will be honest, I was hostile. But these last months I have watched my daughter change – she is happier, fuller and glowing. I have been forced to face that so far you are the best thing to happen to her. So I want to support my daughter and I want to know you and understand better whether my daughter is safe and you are both happy.”

“Thank you, mother,” I replied.

“No, thank you! Also, I am embarrassed to admit but I am a very curious woman intrigued to understand what really happens. My daughter says she has a dirty mind but mine is no better. I can’t talk these things to my daughter. You are, from what I hear a very experienced woman – I would like if you ever have time to help me understand a lot of things. But probably you are disgusted by an old woman asking such questions.”

“Mother, I am very flattered that you want to ask me and also that you trust me enough – I am just nervous that I will disgust you when I answer and then you will respect me even less.”

“Daughter-in-law, I had to undergo a lot of thought changes to accept you. Your lifestyle is so foreign to me – if I judge you by my old standards, I could never accept – but my old standards are wrong – I accept that you are a very sexual woman with a large number of partners both male and female. I have heard how you treat my daughter – the honesty and gentleness – that’s why I feel trust is possible. I don’t know how to say this and you may be really offended but both Savita and you always avoid saying what your work exactly is. I am guessing that you may even involve sex in your work?”

“Have you asked Savita? What did she say?”

“I have never asked but she often lets things slip – when I started to think that maybe you worked in the sex industry, I had a horrible shock.

But then I watched how comfortable my daughter was with you and I bit my tongue and thought hard – I worry about it but for health and safety reasons – I want you safe because if anything happens to you, my daughter will be damaged even more. I am not accusing but asking. I am fearful of insulting you but I want to know what your job is. Am I right?”

“I am afraid that, you do see through me – yes I work as a sex worker,” I fully expected an out pouring of disgust or words to reform me but instead her next question showed me what her focus was.

“But given how many sexual partners you have, how can you feel anything for my daughter?”

“So easily! Your daughter is incredibly special. I have my paying sex partners – once I see them, I forget them. Then there is Savita – who is central to my life – it is not just sexual; I enjoy being with her, talking and being with her, sharing her time, sharing our lives.”

“So, she is not good for you sexually?”

“Quite the opposite! She is the best – I enjoy it most of all because she is so completely linked to me?”

“But, she is not so experienced?”

“Experience is not everything – feeling and intimacy are much more important. Also, Savita and I respond so well – she is more skilful than anyone.”

“And John and this girl, Sue, I think her name is – how do they fit in?”

“John is my ex-husband abd he is special and I can never forget how much he has done for me. I have special feelings for him but I am also so glad to see him form a new life with my sister. Sue and I were friends and lovers a long time but could never reach over the boundary to become partners. That is a boundary that Savita and I have gone over. For Savita, I am prepared to give up everyone else – I have told her that.”

“Yes Savita said you kept offering that. I’m not sure I fully understand why she says no.”

“I don’t really understand why myself. Maybe, I am a stepping stone in Savita’s life as she develops.”

Savita’s mother looked hard at me and asked “Maybe, she is a stepping stone in yours?”

“No. She is a destination – the person, I have reached to fill my life as long as she stays with me. I love your daughter completely – I am 27 years old and I need someone who I can form a future with – that’s why I’m here talking to you – that’s why this ceremony is so important to me. That’s why I am so scared that she is not a the same stage,” I felt tears welling up as I said this – expressing my deepest worry.

To my surprise, Savita’s mother got up and moved to me put her arms around me and looked directly in my face. “You silly girl,” she said kindly. “Don’t you know that you are a destination for my daughter? You were when she first met you – I’ve heard it from my daughter and also from my son. She was ready for you long before you were for her. You are stepping stone for her but not to another person – to a full life. She has come out at work. She has staked her position as a full woman in a loving relationship. Your life won’t be that easy – there will be a lot of prejudice. But I believe you two will support each other. My daughter told me how immediately you rejected your brother’s views. She was more thrilled by the depth of your support than you might have guessed.”

“One thing you will need to learn is that my daughter feels much more than she says. I am still finding how intense her emotions are – especially about you. She holds it in. But I have no doubt that she wants you as a life partner, as her wife.”

“Thank you”, I said. “But can I ask how much has this hurt you and your husband? I worry I am making trouble for you.”

She looked at me as if surprised “Why do you worry about this? You are the future for my daughter. What does it matter what we feel?”
“Because you are Savita’s family – I do not want to create damage here.”

“As I said, at first, I was shocked, angry and – I am ashamed to say – disgusted. By the time you had that coming-out party at our place, it was replaced with grim acceptance. But week after week as my daughter came home brighter, stronger and more positive, I thought back to the daughter I used to worry about because she was so depressed and I felt joy at this new daughter. I would have been fully contented if it hadn’t been that I felt you were rejecting us. I wondered why you hated us. So when you came yesterday and said you weren’t rejecting us, I felt how beautiful you were and I could understand my daughter’s happiness – you haven’t hurt me – you have made me very happy.”

“And your husband?”

“My husband was the first to accept it but he stays still just as accepting. He is glad that his daughter is happy but he is uncomfortable. He is a good man and wants to be more positive but he is not really sure of ‘this lesbian thing’ as he calls it. If you don’t mind I prefer not to tell him about sex work – I’m not sure he could cope with that.”

“Then, I will certainly not let him know.”

“But now, daughter-in-law, I must ask an important question.”

“Yes, mother?”

“If my daughter had married a boy, I would advise her how to please him sexually and in other ways. How can I advise my daughter so she can better please you?”

I laughed “I doubt she could please me more.”

“How can a woman please a woman? I don’t understand. What do you do together? Sorry to put you on the spot but my daughter is too shy to say and I am exceedingly curious. Just because I am 48 doesn’t mean I have totally lost interest in sex. How do two women do it?”

I felt strangely embarrassed but also realised that she was genuinely curious. So, I explained the importance of kissing, caressing, touching and foreplay in general.

“But what about ‘eating carpet’ or maybe you prefer to say ‘pussy licking’” she asked, almost teasing me by being provocative. She was clearly enjoying the conversation and was much less awkward than I was feeling.

I agreed it was very important and she queried me about what I focussed on and I described in more detail than I really wanted – she was a very sharp examiner. I also explained about watching my partner’s responses to see when she was enjoying and adjusting – even the same woman is stimulated differently at different times and so it was important to be observing the partner’s response.

Savita’s mother was listening intently and she asked “My daughter always says that you know her body better than her – does she adjust well for you, when she is licking you?”

I emphasised that Savita was the best and was just so good at making me feel satisfied.

“Good!” her mother responded. “So, how can my daughter improve to please you?”

“I can’t think about any way?”

“Surely, something can be improved.”

“Nothing, I have the woman I want – just as long as she wants me.”

“Hmm.”

Our conversation then changed tack completely and Savita’s mother told me of how she was upper caste and her husband lower caste. Their marriage was opposed and they finally left India with almost no money just to get away from the attitudes. They came to Australia and had stayed here ever since. They had experienced racism with people coming up to her and saying things like “Go back where you came from.” She had been spat on a couple of times. She was concerned about the recent attacks on Indians particularly in Melbourne. Her descriptions were under-stated and hence more telling criticism.

“So, you must be disgusted by Australian racism?”

“Pfft! And India is not racist? Internally they are divided so heavily upon race and language. It gets me annoyed – and my husband quite angry – to hear all these Indians talking about how bad Australia is – we made a life here – we have been safe – not perfect but not nearly as bad as all that. I hate to say it though much of the worst prejudice I have received is at the hands of non-white Australians.”

“Chinese?”

“Well …”

I understood too well that my own community was not blameless. She then went on to flatter me, saying “But, that’s why you are so special – you don’t treat Savita as Indian - you just seem to pass over her race as if it isn’t even a point – why else would you have been so genuinely surprised about your brother’s attitude. Savita keeps telling me how wonderful you are and I am beginning to believe her.”

Talking to Savita’s mother was so refreshing – I really found myself liking her a lot as well as being impressed by her intellect and was delighted that the wall has gone between us – I believe I will gain so much from knowing her. I can see why Savita is such a lovely person and also where she got her sharp mind from.

Savita said to me later that she had got a phone call from her mother and had been told very firmly that she had found a treasure and must make it 100% clear that I am not a stepping-stone. Savita said she was delighted that I and her mum got on so well. I am delighted that she seems to like me and also that they will be coming to share our commitment ceremony.