Christmas Greetings to My Reader

Well, another Christmas is upon us and I wish my reader (if there is even one) a very merry Christmas and a happy new year. I am working a couple of days between Christmas and the new year but spending most of the time with my family.
Savita will spend the 24th with her parents and be with me for Christmas Day and Boxing Day. My daughter is so excited with the prospect of so many presents. I wonder if she will sleep tonight.

But to anyone kind and patient enough to read my ramblings over the past year, thanks for putting up with the nonsense I write. Also may you all have a wonderful time and keep healthy and happy. I hope you are all as fortunate as me and have someone special to share this time with.

If you are alone at this time, I know how desolating it can be but look forward to the new year and new hopes – two years ago I was on my own, wondering whether I would be alone all the rest of my life. So always, there is hope. Good luck all my friends.

Meera and Anka

Meera and Anka asked Savita and me out to dinner last week. It was a pleasant dinner and they enjoyed, I think, being with people with whom they did not need to hide their sexuality. They had booked a motel room so that they could have some time together.

They invited us back to the motel. Since they are Savita’s friends, I left it to her to decide. Savita seemed tired and I felt she probably wanted to go home but couldn’t say no. When we reached the motel, Savita sat down on the couch and Anka immediately sat down next to her and so I had to sit on the bed.

Meera said “Four gay girls together. Now what can we do?” She then opened a bottle of wine and took out four glasses and started to pour a drink into each, She passed one to Savita and the next to Anka but when she gave me, she slipped and the wine spilt out all over me and my top (white of course). The wine was (of course) red and I rushed to the bathroom to wash it out immediately. Meera “helped” me but effectively just stood by me, apologising. as I soaked and rubbed the stain. Meera said “Oh some went on your bra” and without consulting, unhooked my bra, took it off and put it in the washbasin. I rinsed the top and bra.

By the time we got back to the room, Anka was talking to Savita but her hand was on Savita’s leg, clearly exploring and Anka was pressing close to her. Savita caught my eyes as I walked into the room bare boobed and I gave her a reluctant smile of encouragement which resulted in her submitting more to Anka’s attentions. Actually I did not like seeing Anka fondling my lover at all but Meera said “Well, those two are enjoying themselves – are you jealous? Maybe we should make them jealous back” and she pulled me to her and started kissing me on my mouth, pushing her tongue into my mouth.

By this time Anka was kissing Savita and I couldn’t catch my lover’s eyes to see what she was thinking. Meera moved down to my tits which she started to kiss and suck upon. At the same time she was removing my jeans. Soon they were off and Meera had stripped down to only a bra and panties. I felt Meera’s hand push under my panties and explore my pussy, stimulating my clit before pushing into my hole and finger fucking me.

My body was responding and I was a bit wet but somehow I still wished that I wasn’t there – my heart wasn’t in it. I looked over to Savita – by this stage her panties were off and Anka was eating her out. She was very passive and did not seem at all turned on. She gave me a reassuring smile as if to say “go with the flow”.

Meera and I were on the bed by now. I moved around and started on her pussy. It was wet and she seemed to enjoy my licking and I worked on her pussy using tongue and fingers until she came. Then she said to Anka and Savita “Hey, you two, there’s room on the bed – don’t be shy.” Anka came over leading Savita with her and then Meera suggested we swap partners and she started playing with Savita while Anka licked my pussy. Anka was enthusiastic but clearly not that experienced and, to be honest, I wasn’t much turned on. When we changed and I was licking Anka, I could tell she was very turned on – she was moaning as my tongue flicked her clit and I gently stimulated her.

Anka was writhing with excitement – I guess my years of experience make it easy for me to know how to push another girl’s buttons even when my eyes were mainly on Savita who was now busy kissing Meera – I was quite jealous. Savita then moved into position and licked Meera and they pleasured each other. It seemed to me that Savita was quite remote throughout.

We continued for a while until both Meera and Anka seemed to be satisfied. Savita said she had cum so much and I pretended that I had also. Savita said that she had to go home because she had to work the next day but she said that I didn’t need to drive her and she could take a taxi if I wanted to stay – Savita cannot drive. I said I had t take my daughter out tomorrow morning early and so made my apologies.

We thanked Meera and Anka for a great evening and then left – it was a nuisance because my bra and top were still wet and quite uncomfortable but I had to wear them. It was about a 30 minute drive from the motel to our home. At first Savita was quiet and the she said, rather testily, “I’m sorry, Grace, that the sex wasn’t up to your standard – Meera and Anka don’t get much chance to do it. This was a very special occasion for them.”

“Savita, why do you think I was criticising?”

“You looked so uninvolved - you wouldn’t understand. Tell me: what were you really thinking?”

“I felt a sense of desperation. I think the two of them are not that much in love – but they want to be,. Meera acts brashly but I was the whole time trying to avoid doing anything to dent her surface because I reckon she could crumble at a single blow. As for Anka, she seems so scared that she’ll be found out and made to look silly – no confidence at all. It all seemed so desperate and sad but I wanted them so much to enjoy and feel better about themselves.”

Savita looked at me and said “Sometimes, Grace, you really surprise me – you saw it as well as me and did understood – I am sorry my darling, I really misjudged you – I’m so sorry– what you say is dead on. I thought you were being just obliging with them but when you say that, I see that you were busy trying to cover up their inexperience.. Darling, if I could love you any more I would.”

“I’m not just a pretty face you know Savita.” I joked.

“But you are a very pretty face my darling and sometimes I can’t read that face – and so sexy!”

“Not half as sexy as my darling Savita!”

I couldn’t hold off and I pulled into a dark carpark and pulled Savita to me and we kissed passionately as we caressed. Savita whispered into my ear, “Darling when we get home, I’m going to fuck my little Chinese girl so hard!“

“I thought you were tired.”

“Not for you, my hot little girl”

I drove the rest of the way home and we rushed upstairs and were quickly into our room where we quickly stripped and were over each other making frantic and passionate love. I felt so much from Savita’s touch and kisses as she explored my body and she seemed fully satisfied as I tasted and enjoyed her pussy as well as the rest of her beautiful body. It was not what we did as much as the passion with which we did it that drove us to glorious climaxes.

As we lay beside other, with that bitter-sweet after feeling, I commented to Savita “I can’t help feeling sorry for Meera and Anka – so sweet and yet, so sad, so lonely, desperately looking for love but unable to speak their desires.”

“I’ve been there”. Savita replied sadly.

“Never again, my darling”, I pledged pulling her to me as we nestled together.

Transitioning

I wrote essentially this blog piece a bit back but lost it when I pulled out my USB card at the wrong time and so I am rewriting it.

Savita and I have now been living together for some time and our lives are melding closer together. But, as with any relationships, changes are inevitable and I am finding that my relationships are changing.

I have lost some good friends, hopefully not totally but at the moment they are more distant: Wei was quite angry that I chose Savita instead of her. My client F and I argued – it seems he really wanted me to stay with John – I think there is a good degree of identification by him with John and he felt rejection but that really is not my problem – I’m sorry to see F. go but it’s up to him. The hunk seems annoyed that I chose Savita in preference to his sister Sylvie.

On the other hand, Sylvie and her lover Chantelle have been welcoming and Savita and I have already had dinner with them. They seem very happy together. Sue has been surprising supportive – I feared she would not forgive me dropping John. As I have already mentioned, Lisa is justifiably mistrustful of me – I need to earn back her friendship – but this is due to my own issues and she encourages Savita a lot.

It is already a couple of weeks that John and my sister have been fucking. She is still glowing and so far it looks good but I want to be careful not to make any judgements – whatever I say will be unhelpful. I am getting used to it and accepting that John now has different priorities. I have not talked to him about anything other than our daughter – a subject that remains key to both of us.

My daughter seems to have taken the whole thing totally in stride and accepts that Auntie Lucy is sleeping with her favourite person, daddy, and Auntie Savita and I sleep in the other room. Fortunately, through careful guidance from John, my daughter has learnt not to discuss these matters at school. I think my daughter is enjoying all the attention – one thing I appreciate is that John is very firm in maintaining my position as her mother – one time she said “mummy” to my sister and John immediately and firmly corrected “Auntie”.

But the most important transition in terms of our relationship is between Savita and me. Savita is not used to sharing a bed and I think she found it hard to get used to coming against my body when she moved. I sleep nude or at most wearing panties but Savita is not used to this and still wears a nightie. The last week I have found Savita is more comfortable and at ease.

Our love making has also developed as we learn more about each other. I find Savita is quite shy at times to express her wishes and I am learning to encourage her confidence. Last week she got me to listen to a podcast called “Mia on Top” or something in which the narrator’s girlfriend wants to see her being fucked – although from what I can tell it doesn’t happen. I asked Savita why she wanted me to listen and she was a bit evasive until I asked her directly if she wanted to see me being fucked by a man and she admitted she was curious and a bit turned on by this. I asked her if she wanted to join and she was adamant that she didn’t want to have sex with a man ever but said that she found my sexuality exciting and was curious. I think I’ll leave that for the moment since it sounds like fantasy and I think the reality might be less appealing to her.

Savita and I are also just enjoying our time together getting to know each other. It is not just the fucking which is still great, it’s being together. We went for a walk in the Botanic Gardens the other week and suddenly we just stopped and kissed passionately. People were staring at us but I was so proud to be showing that I was the girlfriend of my beautiful lover.

I am delighted how we seem to be growing together but I know we still need to complete the transition from fuck mates to life partners – I hope we can make this transition and I hope we can remain fuck mates as well – I hear of many lesbian couples who lose their sexual side – I do not want to do that. In the meantime, I am enjoying the transition and the intense feelings involved.

Savita’s Party

Savita had her pre-Christmas office party last week for her department. People could bring partners. Traditionally she has gone alone. This year, her boss said to her a week or so before the party “I’m thinking there is someone special in your life – are you thinking of asking your friend?”

“I’m surprised you have heard such a thing – who could have told you? I haven’t said anything – I would like to invite my partner but she …”.

Her boss, Tim, picked up immediately and did not seem particularly surprised. He said “I understand – no-one has told me you had a partner – I just saw you seem more full of life and happier and seemed finally to have a life outside of work. I was so pleased. You are welcome to invite her – genuinely welcome on my part. I think we are a good team and we will most happily make your partner feel very welcome. You are a very important member of this team and I want to stress that you should feel free to bring anyone you want along. But you decide – I am not telling you what to do –I just want you to do what you want.”

He then asked about me: where we met (a party), was I Indian (no), what job I did (Savita hesitated before saying student) and was very friendly and matter-of-fact about the whole thing as if Savita having a girlfriend was the most natural thing on earth.

Savita asked me that evening if I could please go. I hesitated since I was worried about how a girlfriend would be received and whether it could make trouble for Savita. However, she was insistent and I was actually delighted that she wanted to include me so much in her life and flattered that when she said that she wanted to show me off.

And, of course, it gave me a great excuse to go clothes shopping for a nice dress to wear. Savita and I went out one lunchtime and chose it. – a nice white dress – simple but elegant, I think. Savita said it suited me and made me look both “incredibly sexy and desirable while also respectable for a party”. The dress did feel just right. . And of course I had to buy matching shoes. I also had to have my hair styled. So I was really enjoying the preparations.

It took us both ages to get dressed for the party and we were the last to arrive. We were both nervous when we arrived - Savita was particularly tense – I could tell from the tightness in her hand as she held mine. When we walked in, suddenly the room fell quiet which was very disconcerting – there were about 30 people there. I think they were surprised to see Savita had a girlfriend – Tim had obviously been very discreet!

A man came up to us and said “So delighted you’ve come. I’m Tim. And this is my wife Amanda. I guess you are Grace”, he added smiling at me. “Savita didn’t warn me how good-looking you are.” Amanda was equally welcoming – it was clear that Tim had forewarned her and she chatted to us about casual things such as how warm it was and she complimented our dresses and we discussed good clothes shops.

The other conversations had restarted quite quickly and when Amanda excused herself to go to talk to someone else, we eased in to the room. Savita stated chatting with a quite short voluble woman. I stood back a little, uncertain as to whether to join in or not.

A man standing there, turned me and said “Always hard for partners at these things – we know no-one.”

I I nodded perhaps too emphatically and he said, “Maybe, even harder for you?” and then immediately apologised “Sorry, very tactless.”

I smiled and said “More perceptive than tactless.”

“I’m Jack by the way – Sara’s husband – she’s the one talking to Savita. I’ve got to congratulate you. I’ve met Savita a few times before and she’s never seemed so happy. Sara commented she thought Savita had found a girlfriend.”

“So, her colleagues know Savita likes girls?” I asked surprised and curious.
“Most don’t I think but Sara sits next to her and heard her talking earnestly to some woman – she couldn’t hear much but it sounded like a lover. Also Sara’s always trying to match make and she commented that Savita had no interest in guys and seemed more interested in a cute Chinese girl who worked there.”
“Which Chinese girl?” I asked suspiciously.

“Oh! She’s happily married and on maternity leave now –you don’t need to be jealous.” Jack laughed.

Savita grabbed my arm and said “I have to introduce you to Sara”.

After the introductions, Sara greeted me very warmly and said “Grace, you’ve really changed Savita – I even saw her smile the other day!” She then proceeded to tease Savita for being so serious.

She told me that she was so happy to meet me. I saw a guy glowering at me – he quickly looked away when I met his eyes. “Not everyone’s happy”, I remarked. Savita and Sarah looked in the direction I was looking and Sara said “Oh Jim – he will be unhappy –he’s a fanatic Christian – always wanting to hold prayer meetings and complaining about the corrupt modern world. He considers Harry Potter as evil! Don’t mind him.”

“Maybe, I shouldn’t have come”, I said but Sarah and Jack both insisted that it was wonderful to see me.

At the same time, I noticed the grimfaced woman who had been talking to Jim and whom I had guessed to be his wife had started to walk deliberately up to me. Jim appeared to be trying to stop her but she ignored him. She strode purposefully to me and said loudly “You are an immoral woman. People like you are disgusting. You should not be allowed into polite God-loving company. You offend decent people, you brazen Jezebel. Go back to the hole from where you crawled.”

Again the conversation had stopped around the room and I felt exceedingly uncomfortable. I did not want to disgrace Savita and so I was as polite as possible, replying “I’m sorry to hear that you disapprove of me and I will leave you alone but I am proud to be here as Savita’s partner.”

Some man – I’m not sure who - said loudly “Thank you, Grace – it’s nice to see there are still some people who can behave properly!” There was an affirming murmur and I felt that the majority were positive towards Savita and me, especially after Jim’s wife’s foray. The woman made a contemptuous sound and strode away as Amanda rushed up, and said very clearly “Grace, I am so ashamed – no-one should be spoken to like that. The rest of us are so glad to meet you - you probably want to walk out after being addressed like that but please stay.” I hadn’t even thought of walking out – how embarrassing that would have been for Savita!

I noticed that Tim was talking anxiously and trying to comfort Savita who was more upset than me and was almost in tears. I moved up to her and she smiled, saying “Thank you, darling – you were marvellous” and kissing me on the cheek. (I wasn’t but I’m glad Savita thinks so.) Tim tactfully withdrew and I squeezed her hand and whispered to her “Don’t let the bastards get to you!” Savita nodded and put on her face of self control.

After we calmed down, the rest of the evening went very smoothly. Most of the people at the party were very friendly to us and seemed to focus on treating us as just another couple. Jim and his wife stayed to the side and we did not have any more contact.

The only point that I thought things might get tricky was when an Indian guy, mid-twenties, came up to me while Savita was getting drinks and said “I’ve got a bone to pick with you.”

“Yes?” I said cautiously.

“Here I was fascinated with this beautiful co-worker and you stole her from under my eyes”, he said smiling at the same time. “Mind you, I can see what she sees in you – such a beautiful couple”, he continued. “My name’s Raj by the way.” We shook hands and he moved on. Sara who was standing next to me said “that’s sweet. He really was keen on Savita – I had to hose him down a few times when he got too eager.”

By the end of the evening, Savita and I were almost at ease. When I stood there with Savita holding me close, showing me off to her colleagues, I felt really proud that this beautiful woman would give me such a special position.

Later, Savita thanked me saying it must have been hard to face all these strangers. I commented that it was a lot easier for me than for her – after all I didn’t have to face them the following day and to work with them. I could be just proud to be Savita’s girl and enjoy the evening with my darling. The only hard part was that I was nervous about embarrassing Savita. She assured me that I didn’t.

I couldn’t let Savita off Scot free and I grilled Savita on the Chinese girl that Jack mentioned. Savita said that this was when we were not together and she was missing me so much. The girl looked something like me and Savita did feel attracted – but the girl was a devout Christian and used to have – prayer meetings with Jim at lunchtime. Savita said she didn’t think that she would have received a good response if she suggested a lesbian affair!

Jim wrote me a formal apology for the way his wife had spoken. He also apologised publicly to Savita, saying that even if he did not condone same sex relationships, the wording and manner of what was said was totally inappropriate. We had every right to be offended and he was embarrassed that our enjoyment of the evening may have been affected.

Savita said that she accepted the apology but was glad that Jim sits at a distance from her and they worked on different projects.

I’m really delighted I could go to the party with Savita and Savita says she is happy that she can be open about us at work but just hope that she does not have any negative consequences for her work. I do worry that petty people may give her a hard time.

Two Items

I wrote the blogs “It Had to Happen” and “Coming to Terms”, one after the other last week and have not had a chance to publish them up to now. So I am loading them up. Savita is calling to me to hurry up and come to bed – how can I resist but want to publish now – suggest to read “It had to Happen” first.

Coming to Terms

Whatever my feelings may be, it is a fact: John and my sister are fucking together. She tells me she loves him even more deeply and certainly there is a glow about her. John seems uncomfortable with me. I think he feels embarrassed about the whole thing - but why should he be?

My sister says the only problem is that John is convinced he is not good enough for her – he is in his words “too old, too fat and too dirty-minded”. He omits that he is the most gentle, warm and understanding man around. He is a great lover and has a marvellous ability to make me (and my sister) laugh. I almost wonder if my sister is good enough for him – but she probably is (just).

When I got up the day after their first coupling, just my sister was at home. Sue and Lisa were dropping my daughter off to school directly and John and Savita were already off to work.

My sister was clearly looking to boast – I was not particularly keen to listen but had no choice short of running out of the flat. She wanted to tell me everything. (I later found out that Savita, Sue and Lisa all heard the story also- although perhaps not as graphically – I am surprised she didn’t try to publish it in the newspaper! She was just so happy about it.)

She said that John was very surprised to find that everyone was out when he came home. She said he asked why and she told him because she thought it was time for her and him to see where the two of them were going. John said that she shouldn’t want to go anywhere with him – he was too old etc. She said to him that it wasn’t his role to decide what she wanted – she was 22 years old and she knew what she wanted – and Lisa had let the cat out of the bag on what that was.

All he had to decide was whether he could stomach going to bed with her.

He laughed and asked her “Are you seriously suggesting I have something to stomach in going to bed with a beautiful young girl – do you think I am gay or something? I am only worried about the consequences.”

She said that she thought she was not sexy enough for him and he said that he wished that were the problem – the trouble is that she was too sexy for an old man like him – she needed someone better and should start with a man who had more to offer.

My sister had prepared a special dinner and to break the debate, she asked him to sit down and eat. They sat and tried to talk – but my sister said it was hard to say who was the more awkward.

Before desert my sister realised that this was getting nowhere and so when John stood up to take the dishes to the kitchen, she got up and moved up to him, put her arms around him and said “Now, you have to choose – you can always say ‘no’” and moved her mouth to his and kissed him. She said John didn’t pull back at all but rather he accepted it and soon they were in an embrace.

Then she started to unbutton his shirt but still she found he was not taking any initiative and as much to her own surprise as John’s in her impatience she blurted out “John. Do you want to fuck me or not? I’m horny as hell – I’ve been watching videos all day just to get it right for you and you’ don’t want to fuck me – am I that unsexy,”

(Apparently, she had got a couple of porn movies from Sue to see better what men liked – she was determined to do as much as possible to please John.)

My sister said that to her delight John then took her in his arms and kissed her and held her tight, touching more sensually than she had ever been before giving her no doubt that he would act but then he said “I had better find protection for later” and she said – “You don’t need it – I’m clean.” “But how do you know I am”, John replied. “John. I know it’s not clever but I want the first time to be natural – I know the risks – and I won’t get pregnant today – so that’s not a risk.” She thought John was going to argue but she thinks the passion with which she said it made him reluctant to oppose her. Also she said she could feel the trace of his hardness as their bodies pressed together.

Almost naturally, her hand moved to his crotch and started to stroke through his pants. She felt the response. She had wore a dress with a zip at the back and apart from that only her panties and bra – “I wanted to make it as easy for him to get there as possible” she said. I laughed and said that a few obstacles would not have deterred him. John had unzipped the dress and it slid to the ground as they edged to the bedroom

Gradually they got to the bedroom and even more gradually the buttons on John’s shirt were undone – my sister said she was so nervous and she had never undone a man’s shirt before – especially while embracing him. In the bedroom, she started on the belt and got his pants down.

My sister had got a good briefing from Lisa about things: John gets hard fast the first time and can come quite quickly – the second time he gets hard and stays hard a long time. I know this well but Lisa learnt it when she was trying to get pregnant. Lisa advised to get him cum the first time and the let him fuck her on the second go – so that it could be a more long-lasting experience. My sister discussed it further and she thought it would be a good idea to give him a blow job first and they talked about cumming in the mouth. My sister decided that it would be best if she tried to swallow even though Lisa gave warnings about how it tasted and how it grossed many girls out but as soon as my sister heard John liked it, she was determined to do it.

So in the bedroom, she guided John to the side of the bed and pulling his pants down. Then she immediately knelt before and starting sucking his cock. John said “Are you sure?” uncertainly. She stopped sucking just long enough to say “John, maybe I’ve never done this before but I’ve seen enough videos to know what to do and I want to do this.”

She told me that all she did was just move her mouth back on his cock and she thought she rushed it and gave no variety but John did not complain and was very hard. She said he said that he was about to cum and tried to pull out of her mouth but she wouldn’t let him and so he came in her mouth. She said it was not nearly as bad as Lisa suggested and although there was a lot of cum and she couldn’t swallow it all, she was dribbling – I think John would have found that particularly sexy.

She immediately thanked John – and he said “Why are you thanking me? I got all the pleasure!” “No, John, you don’t know how special this was to me: a chance to please the man I love. I feel more complete but John, I have a favour to ask – can you fuck me later?”

John was absolutely bemused: “Lucy, what are you saying? Why ask me – I want so much to have sex with you. Can’t you tell? So why do you need to ask?”

“Because if I don’t, you won’t do it – you’re still trying to protect me.”

My sister said she was probably hurrying John but she was so impatient. She got him to lie on his back on the bed and then she moved over him her face over his cock and her legs straddling him over his face. She started again licking his cock tasting the traces of cum.

John was still hesitating and so she said “You can touch you know - if I am not too ugly”. At that John immediately pulled at her panties and exposed her pussy and touched her gently with his finger.

My sister said the touch was electric – she was astonished – she said she had not really thought of her physical response – her target was to build intimacy with John and she hadn’t even thought of her body’s feelings.

Her panties were quickly off and John’s tongue was soon exploring her – she told me her first thought was had she washed properly. But soon she said she was just overtaken by the excitement and pleasure and she was giving way to pleasure. Then she decided it was time and she pulled away from his tongue and placed her pussy over him and with his help to guide she sat down on his cock. It slid in deep – she said she felt a brief moment of resistance and a moment of pain before he was fully in but she was so wet and excited that it passed immediately.

She told me that she then did something that when she told me surprised me – it apparently also surprised John very much at the time – she told John to take her camera/phone from the bedside table where she had strategically placed it – and asked him to photo her with his cock inside – she wanted to remember her first time. John obeyed and photographed her as she rode him.

She said she was getting off on it so much now that she couldn’t stop climaxing and then she lost control and it became a blur of pleasure until she realised that John had also cum and her pussy was full of his cum. She asked him to photo her again – he hesitated but she told him “I realise that fucking me is nothing special but I want these photos to remember this moment which is incredibly special to me.” John then obeyed but also said she under-rated how special it was for him.

She had also got him topo photo her sucking him and she wanted to show me the photos that she had already downloaded to her PC – I am impressed with her technological skill – I still can’t do that and John had to do all our photos from Japan and China. However in this case, I definitely did not want to see the photos and made that very clear. There is a thing as “too much information”!

I asked her why she wanted me to see and she replied “Because my big sister, I want you to really understand that I am fucking John – I am absolutely serious about him – I want him even more and I want to force your head around the fact.”

“Believe me, I know this – I do not need to see photos to tell me."

And I do know it and I have to accept that John is already started on the process of moving on. As for my sister and John – how will it go? I don’t have a clue but pray that no one gets hurt and better still, they find happiness.

It had to Happen

Last Wednesday, Savita said she wanted to go out to dinner with me and my sister said she would make sure my daughter was o.k.. Savita usually enjoys a quiet dinner at home on weekdays and so I asked what the occasion was. She said that she just wanted a special dinner with me. I agreed and we went to a Thai restaurant on Crown Street. Savita ate slowly and talked lots. We have been living together just over a week and I am still learning the many sides to her.

After the dinner, she said she wanted to visit Sue and Lisa. I was surprised but she told me that Sue had invited us for 10pm – after she finished work. I followed her meekly feeling that there was something more than I was being told.

Savita was right. Sue and Lisa were expecting us and opened a bottle of wine to drink to “the newest couple”. Lisa was clearly trying to be welcoming but more and more it is becoming obvious that she just does not like me. She has however warmed to Savita and they were soon gossiping away to an extent that amazed me given how little time they have known each other. The visit was getting more vocal when a little person emerged from the second bedroom.

It was my daughter and I immediately exclaimed “What are you doing here? “

“Aunties Sue and Lisa wanted to have me”, she explained.

The tone was a lot quieter now and after I had settled my daughter back in her bed, I came out and asked “O.K. What is going on?” I already had a pretty good idea.

“We thought it would be nice to see your daughter” said Sue quite nervously.

“To leave John and my sister alone, I suppose.” I replied.

Savita said “Yes, your sister asked us.”

“And no one thought to discuss it with me.”

Lisa was ready to respond but Savita kept talking. “Grace, it was very hard for me not to tell you but I really believed it wasn’t fair to tell you. You would feel you had to make a decision and really it is totally between John and your sister. If you approved it then it creates pressure on John and your sister – if you don’t approve then I think you would have regretted it later. I am sorry but I did believe that it was best for everyone to give those two a chance to see how they go,”

“So John played along?”

“No, he was not aware of the plan – it was your sister who pushed it.”

“John will be pretty pissed off to be manipulated like this.”

“Possibly but he’ll get over it’ said Sue. “But it sounds like it isn’t going too bad – I got a text message from your sister an hour ago saying ‘Not a virgin. So wonderful’”.

I didn’t want to show my emotions but I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach when I heard this. I was angry at everyone – especially Savita who I felt had betrayed me. I got up and went back to the room where my daughter was and looked at her. She was half asleep and I just lay down beside her. I felt hurt and deeply alone. There was no one I could talk to – Savita was against me.

I dozed for a few minutes– the effect of the wine I guess - but then woke up suddenly and decided it was time to go home. I silently slid away from my now sleeping daughter and came out, saying “I’m going now”.

“Wait for me”, Savita pleaded but I ignored her.

She rushed out after me as I went down to find a taxi. I was not walking home even If I was angry. Savita grabbed my hand but I pulled away.

Savita said “I was right – you love John most – why did I fucking expect different.”
I looked at her and said “Do you really think that?”

“Yes – as soon as there is a threat that he might find someone else you reject me.”

“Savita, he’s fucking my sister – you don’t know how I feel."

“No. But I know how I feel. I feel just so glad that he is doing it – he is the person who scares me most – because he is so good and you love him so fucking much!”

“You’re jealous?”

“So much!”

“Is that why you helped my sister?”

“Of course. I will do anything to get him and you apart sexually– provided it doesn’t hurt him. – I accept he will always be your good friend and I know why but I think your sister might just be the best thing for him – and I think he is the best for her and for me, it’s the best too.”

“So my feelings do not matter?”

“Of course they matter – but the feelings you have for John are too hard for me – I am sorry Grace but I want John to be taken. I’m so jealous of him – I know he could get you back anytime he wants.”

The emotion that Savita was trying to hold back affected me more than I thought it would.

“Savita, it’s not that I want John back. I just wanted to be respected – everyone decided I couldn’t be trusted.”

“No – nobody decided that. Sue and I both wanted to tell you but your sister swore us to secrecy and Lisa supported her strongly – she said she knew if you were involved then it would never be just John and her. She is deadly serious that she tries to get John by herself.”

“She must have talked a lot to you.”

“We did talk – she knows that I want her to succeed. She planned this so carefully. She wanted her first time with John to be something that could reach him. She knew how carefully I planned to catch you – although I always thought it was just to be as a casual part of your life.”

“But, Savita, why don’t you trust my love for you.”

“Grace, you are wonderful but you have so many people in your life – how can I compete- and I do so much want you for the long time. . I can cope with the men you fuck – but not John. John warned me it wouldn’t be easy – he asked was I ready for a woman who was so sexually active – could I cope with the jealousy.

“Fuck John! Why does he say things like that.”

“He’s been married to you for years and he was warning me from experience that it wasn’t easy – as he put it if I go in for a long term relationship with my eyes open, it’s much more likely to succeed and sorry, Grace, I want long term.”

“John is so fucking arrogant – he feels he can explain me.”

Savita laughed “I’m so glad you are angry at him even if what you are saying is complete rubbish. Trouble is Grace you know its rubbish and you love him too much.”

“Savita, listen carefully. Of course I care deeply about John – we have so much history and he was so good to me. He can be closest friends with women - just look at Sue – she loves John but she does not want to fuck him. But Savita get this clear I want long-term with you – I pray it works and I don’t screw things up. I promise you I won’t fuck him and I will never do anything to get in the way of him with my sister or him with any other woman– I know I have you and I am not complaining. I am just hurt the way it was done.”

“Sorry, Grace – I can see that.”

We then kissed and made up. I am flattered by Savita’s jealousy. Again and again, I am reminded just how precious Savita is. John picked it well when he emphasised that she is a good person and there was so much between us.

Savita asked “shall we go home or back to Sue’s?”

“Do you think it s ok to go home? Will we interrupt?’

“I just promised to be out till midnight and it’s already past then.”

“I don’t want to go back to Sue’s – I think Lisa hates me.”

“What do you expect – you fuck her partner when she is 7 months pregnant and then boast about it in your blog.”

“Oh fuck – I’m so stupid – I never saw it that way - it’s not what I meant – but I see why she hates me. How can you stand such a horrible woman as me, Savita?”

Savita laughed. “Grace, I can think of no one less horrible - you put your foot in it but you never aim to hurt. I love you for your innocent good-will – you never want to hurt people but you do forget not everyone is quite as horny as you and a lot of people get jealous.”

I don’t think she was only talking of Lisa.

Savita then said “Let’s go home - I need some sleep – I have to work tomorrow.“

When we arrived home, the door to the other bedroom was closed and John was not on the sofa where he has been sleeping– I was relieved – I did not want to face John or my sister tonight. Savita and I shared a shower and cuddling up together we went to sleep.

Lisa You're Great

Lisa has really impressed me –even though I now know she doesn’t like me very much. I heard the story partly from Sue and partly from Annette who spoke to me this morning.

Last Sunday, Lisa said to Sue, “You must drive me to Annette’s place.” Sue said it was an order and she knew better to argue or question. Lisa put their daughter in to the capsule and Sue drove her there. She told Sue to park around the corner, got out and took the baby capsule and went around the corner knocked on the door.

Annette answered the door and Lisa marched straight in without being asked and sat down in a chair in the living room.
Then she said. “I want to show you my daughter. I love her very much – if anyone stood between her and me, I would probably kill them.”

She paused and looked steadily at Annette. Then she said:

“Sue loves our daughter too. If anyone stood between them, she would probably kill that person also. If I took our daughter away, she would fight me and she is right. John has lost his son and he is very hurt. John does not deserve this – if I was him, I would fight those responsible but John is too nice.”

“Get out.”

“No. Not until I finish talking.”

Annette called her father and when he arrived, she said, “Dad, get this person out of here.”

“I am not throwing out a woman who has just had a baby.”

“Mum would.”

“Your mother is not here and you know how I feel about what you are doing – I think you need to listen.”

Annette said, “Then I am going out”. Lisa said” I will follow you until you until you hear what I say.”

“Ok, fuck it, say it and then fuck off.”

“John needs to see his son.”

“John will never see MY son again after the way he treated me.”

“What did he do to you?”

“He broke me off from Grace.”

“I’m sorry Annette – I didn’t realise you were a half-wit.” Lisa said standing up. “I guess I had better go – no one can deal with someone so dumb.”

“I am not dumb – that’s what I feel.”

“Get this straight then – maybe you do not like it but John did not break the relationship. Grace just didn’t love you enough. Maybe it is not nice to say that but I’m not nice. And do not punish John for the fact that Grace is a self-centred, selfish woman.”

Annette said she immediately knew in her heart that Lisa was saying the truth and she was angry but also exposed. Lisa was the first person to throw the truth so directly into her face.

Lisa continued “John is hurting. That makes me very angry because he has treated you so very well. You are angry at Grace. I can understand that – we all know she is selfish person who lives in her own world.” (Annette took great delight in repeating that to me.) “But, John did not dump you or try to break any relationship – he defended you and supported you throughout. And you treat him like shit. I am angry. Sue is angry. You should be ashamed.”

“Why do you defend John?”

“Because he looked after you – he worried about you – he has cared for your son and has given you a chance to recover – he is the only man I trust because he has helped me and Sue so much. And Grace has hurt him too much – he doesn’t need you doing him wrong too.”

“How has Grace hurt him?”

“By picking up with that Indian woman, by living in her own world and fucking everything that moves while he has to watch and wait. He has been her personal doormat.”

“It could be good for him if she drops him – he can stop being a doormat and maybe he might even find a more compatible woman someday if anyone ever wants him – although I doubt that.”

“Fuck! Lots of women want him! He will find someone! I can think of a few women who want him even without looking far. Don’t undervalue him just because you prefer women. Sue and I will not let him be hurt.”

“Is he very sad about Grace?”

“He has known a long time she would go – so he is resigned, He is hurting too much about his son to feel much more.”

“You are talking about MY son.”

“Yours and his.”

“How is Grace?” Does she miss me at all?”

“Grace only thinks of Grace. But at the moment she has reason to hurt.”

“How.”

“Some asshole client raped her. She has no life in her now – even I feel sorry for her.”

“And John, will he try to take my son away?”

“Fuck it! Are you stupid? He would never do that.”

“Maybe I will let him see my son sometimes.” Annette said she knew she had to do the right thing – her anger was quickly turning to a sad realisation that she and I would not work and it wasn’t John’s fault. She was crying and Lisa actually comforted her.
“Good! But think what is good for your son – and maybe sometimes will become often. Your son needs a dad like John.”

“Let me think about it.”

“Sure but let John know soon – he needs it.”

Lisa had done with a mix of bullying, argument, emotion and strength what we had all failed to do – she had got Annette to the next stage. What she said about me was certainly not flattering but the result was so good that I cannot complain too much.
Sue, who, when she spoke to me, tactfully omitted the more critical comments about me which Annette filled in, told me when Lisa returned to the car, she look very satisfied with herself but just said “well, I think that’s fixed.’

Sure enough, Annette called later that day. John was out and I answered. It was an awkward conversation since Annette is still very angry at me. When Annette called, she asked me to pass on a suggestion that John come around on Sunday for a play with their son and a “more positive” talk with her.

Sue is so proud of Lisa for what she did and John seems happier than I have seen him for months.

Old History

I was going back over my emails and I found an email I thought I had lost in which I wrote about my first gangbang just before I married. I sent it to someone I used to chat with back in 2003 before I married and had my daughter. The guy on chat was called John also – just to confuse things. I had forgotten some details and so I am glad to have this email to remind me. I have completely forgotten what I said that caused the quarrel I mention at the end of the email. I vaguely remember a quarrel but although it was obviously of key importance to me at the time, it has faded into complete obscurity.
Dear John,

I have written a long email to you telling about my trip - when I read it through, I found it quite unreal and almost as if it were someone else's story. I do not know how to explain this feeling of disassociation or how to explain why I did such a silly thing. I hope you will not despise me too much when you read it.

I wonder at how I could act the way I did - I think being in a strange country where no one knew me helped me lose whatever inhibitions I have. Also I wanted to purge my system and I am certain I have done that.

If you want to talk more about it then I am happy to but this is my past and my future lies, I pray, with John. But, to the story of my trip:

Well, it was an eventful 7 or so days - hard to say how many days - much of the time was in the air! 14 hours or so each way.
I found out what a creep my client was - I will tell you about that as I go along but it was an adventure despite that.

I had to get to the airport quite early - John wouldn't take me there although he insisted on picking me up on the way back: just like he would never take me to work but would pick me up from there - said that it was his way of saying that he would like me to quit that work and start something new. I guess it has some logic to it.

I saw the client (Peter) at the airport - he was with his wife and two lovely little daughters. Actually that made me feel bad - they looked so nice.

I thought I would sit with him but he was flying business and I was on economy. It was a long, long, long, long flight (although that does not tell you how long it was). I was sitting next to a fat man who seemed to think that my seat was partly his also - at least that encouraged me to walk about and so avoid DVT!

By the time I arrived in LA I was one GLW (grumpy little wombat - John's expression). It wasn't improved by the fact it took me over an hour to get through immigration. And they were so rude - at one point I thought they were going to send me back - but they didn't.
The heat and pollution did not improve my mood. So, by the time, I caught up with Peter outside, I was in a foul mood - and he complained I had kept him waiting! I asked where we were going - and was put in an even more foul mood when he told me that he was going to stay at a luxury hotel but I was staying at a motel in Orange County.

He then told me the deal - his fantasy was to be a pimp - and he was going to pimp me for a few days until a little "function" he had arranged for Sunday - (I arrived Wednesday morning: confusing - arriving before I set out!) I felt stupid and trapped but there wasn't that much I could do - anyway I was getting paid $2K each day and it's not as though whoring myself was something new.
Apparently he had a friend in LA who had helped set up the whole thing. I was working from a room which was well monitored - so at least I would be safe - and the proprietors were very careful, screening the clients.

I arrived at the "motel" about 3pm and met the reception person - a rather large black man. Peter's hands were all over me as he introduced me as "the hooker from Australia that you were told about". The guy looked me over and seemed satisfied. Peter was getting really turned on by the way he was treating me but the other guy was so used to hookers, all he did was ask a few questions and then showed us to the room.

It was like so many motel rooms - except for the large supply of condoms - after showing me the air-con and explaining the rules of the place - no firearms, no drugs, safe sex only - he left. Peter was so excited that he had to fuck me, calling me a cheap whore as he did and telling me how many men I was going to fuck - it really turned him on to think he was pimping me.

After screwing me, Peter left to go this hotel - I was glad to see the back of him - he was already getting boring. He said he would be back after I "had done my whoring for the night". Somehow I resisted saying anything - never bite the hand that is giving you $2K a day.

After he had gone, the black reception guy - Jim - came back - seems he was a bit worried that I was up to it - said he didn't want trouble and was I sure I could handle all these guys? I laughed and said I do it all the time. Asked him if he wanted me to prove it and he said 'sure" so I sucked him off. After that, he treated me as a friend. He said he was worried because "my boyfriend seemed such a jerk and might have been cheating me - I agreed with "the jerk" bit but not the "boyfriend" bit and explained a bit about what I did in Australia.

Jim then explained that the charge for guys was $100 a half-hour and a $150 an hour. Peter's arrangement was that he would get a quarter, the owners the rest (apparently the owners were happy because usually it was a third to a half for the girl or her "protector" - but probably bargaining was harder for Peter because he was an out-of-towner). Jim also explained "tips" - in the US, girls get tips for doing full-service - the tips were $50-$100). He suggested I hide this from Peter and showed me where there was a safe box for keeping it.

I had about an hour's rest before the first customer. I did 4 the first night - all suck-and-fucks. The customers were pretty unimaginative throughout the time I worked there- a lot of them said how much they liked Asian girls and they all liked oral. Tipped well though - I have about $3000US to show for it.

Peter came about 11pm - asked how many guys - complained about my only doing 4 - said I should work harder, fucked me again and then went off to his hotel, telling me how he would see me each night but had a lot of important business to do in the day - I think I was meant to be impressed. I said "fine" and left it at that.

In the mornings, Jim would knock about 10am to check if I was awake - I had real problems adjusting to the time for Thursday but by Friday I was fine. I encouraged him to fuck me and he did - I actually quite liked him- he liked me back - on Monday when i was leaving, he asked me if i would like to move to LA and live with him - I apologised but said I had a boyfriend back home - he took my boyfriend to be a pimp (don't know that John would like to think of himself as a pimp but I didn't argue with Jim).

I didn't meet many of the other girls - I did meet one black girl called Sheena who called me a "gook". (We did not become friends) There was a white girl, her name was something like Betty-Sue or Mary-Jane - I forget). She seemed pleasant but rather stupid. Most of the girls do not sleep at the "motel" - I was the exception.

Each night about 11pm, Peter came round, fucked me, collected the money from Jim (although he didn't tell me that), paid me my day’s payment and went home. He seemed so excited at selling me and was forever telling me what a slut I was - as if I didn't know! He would cross-examine me about each customer, how many times they fucked me, did I suck them. He was less like a pimp than a voyeur.
The work is a bit blurred in my mind - between 30 and 40 guys in total, but I was more focussed on the "function" as Peter referred to it. On Saturday, before I started work, Peter brought a guy around - I didn't catch his name, although I was told it.

This guy started to ask me whether I was able to cope with a large number of men and if I really wanted a gangbang. When I said yes, he asked to see my HIV test - I had had one just before I left since Peter had asked me to and I have them regularly anyway. He then pulled out a folder with a large number of sheets - each was an HIV test and a photo. He explained that these were the men who were coming tomorrow. I asked why all the tests were from the same place and so recent - he explained that they had a trusted doctor so that no-one could substitute fake AIDs reports. He also assured me that my safety was important and that no harm would be allowed to be inflicted on me. It seemed all so carefully planned.
He told me something of the business - apparently there are a reasonable number of girls who fantasise about a gangbang or have partners that want to see them gangbanged. Five men had set up a business which catered for them and organised this. They had a list of men willing to pay for the chance to join in - and charged about $300 each. There were three sessions during the day - once I agreed, I had to do the first session and they hoped I would do the other two - but had alternatives if I wasn't willing. Peter said that I would do all 3 - I was a "natural whore".

A video of each session would be made for me - they would pay me $1000 per session if I released a copy to them - this was one of the few times Peter and I agreed, we both said no. I don't want any copies floating around to trouble me later and he did not want to be embarrassed in his work. There would also be a photographer - that worried me - but the guy promised that all photos would go to me and I could release only those ones which did not identify me.

He stressed that he wanted repeat business or referrals and wasn't going to play games - I said what about later and he said that he would give me the negatives. I asked why the photos and he said that it was so that I could have a record - also the photos of each guy would be made in a manner that showed them using me but which did not show my face - each guy got a photo as part of the $300. I wasn't happy about it but after a lot of assurances said ok.

He also told me not to wear clothes that I could not bear to lose - although "slutty was good" -and to bring a change of clothes. Then he was off and I started working. I felt really strange that day - very excited but also quite scared. It all seemed quite unreal too. I wondered more than once why I had come here. I also missed John really badly.

Peter came over in the night after I had worked - he was even more turned on that usual - if that is possible - telling me how he was going to see all these dicks inside me - how I was going to be a cumslut - and on and on. I hated him even more than usual. Still I let him fuck me - he came very fast.

I had brought my "streetworker uniform" as I call it - long boots, short black skirt, black stockings and a white rather thin blouse and white frilly panties, suspender and bra. I decided to wear that and to pack my cut-off jeans and another white button up blouse, and another set of white lacy bra and panties - I like white - must be because i am a "pure woman". (joke)

I spent quite a bit of time dressing up - making sure I looked as slutty as possible - if I was going to do it I was going to do it to the full. A car picked me up at about 10am - the driver was polite but smirking a bit. It wasn't far before he pulled into a driveway - it was a rather ordinary looking house but a bit removed from its neighbours.

The driver opened the door to the car and asked me for the bag with my change of clothing and said he would look after it. He then pointed to a door and said I should go in there after ringing the bell first.

I walked up to the door - I was so nervous, rang the bell and walked in. suddenly I was grabbed firmly but not cruelly and pulled into a big room. I saw lots of men but was not able to focus.
The guy who had grabbed me, carried me to a big massage-table-like bed in the centre of the room. Another guy grabbed my legs and I was lifted on to my back on the bed, one guy then tore my blouse off me while the other pulled off my skirt and flung it aside.

He then immediately pushed my legs apart and ripped a hole in the base of my panties. He then started to fuck me through the hole. A third guy came up and put his cock in front of my face and then started to push his cock into my mouth by pulling my hair to guide my head.

I could not have stopped them even if I wanted to - it was like being gang-raped only I had agreed to it and I felt more safe. There was lots of cheering and whistles from the other guys as they watched me being used.

The guy who I was sucking came quite quickly and I almost choked - not long after that the other guy came in my pussy - I had begun! Even as the two who had just cum in me pulled away, two other guys - one being my driver - picked me up off the bed and lowered me to the ground. Underneath was the guy who had "greeted" me at the door. I was being placed into position so that he could enter my ass. Using lube, he managed to push his cock in and then the other two moved into position one in my pussy and one in my mouth.

At that moment I saw the videotaker for the first time. She was a quite young, very pretty girl. Somehow knowing that a woman was watching me being a complete slut turned me on more - don't quite know why -and I began to cum. At the same time the two guys who had originally fucked me came up on either side and put their cocks into my hands. It was done for effect so that there is a very clear shot of me on the video with men inside my pussy, ass and mouth and my hands holding on to two more cocks while my body was shaking with a climax. The camera then pans across the room and catches the other men (including Peter) wanking off at the sight.

I was cumming hard - maybe a release of all the nervous energy from anticipating the day. On the video, I can hear my moans above the shouts and whistles of the guys. Finally the three men came and I had a second load of cum in my mouth and pussy, The guy in my ass also came but was wearing a condom. Usually I dislike anal but that day it seemed right. There was hi-fiving between them as they came and cheering from the crowd.

I realised later that the five who had used me so far were the organisers. Two were black, two white and one Latino. They were very skilled at making it run smoothly.

Almost immediately, one of the organisers stood up - it was the same one who had spoken to me yesterday - and addressed the room. "Hi, you all - welcome today. This slut is Jenny, a little Asian hooker from Australia who has come all this long way to satisfy you. Make sure you use her well and remember she is your fuck toy for today." I waved at the guys and to my complete surprise, they all clapped.

"Now Jenny, you have to introduce yourself to them all."

Introducing myself involved their forming a circle around me of 21 guys including Peter and the 5 organisers and my moving around the circle sucking each dick for about 30 seconds - one guy was so excited he shot his load then and there - I swallowed and licked him clean - he seemed so embarrassed.

When I had finished the circle, I was led back to the bed. I had completely lost my top and bra by this stage and my skirt had gone earlier. My boots had been slid off at some point in the process but I was still wearing my suspenders, stockings - very laddered - and the tatters of my panties. These were removed from me and I lay back on the bed completely naked, my legs spread wide apart. I felt so deliciously slutty lying like that and I said "Well anybody want to fuck this little whore."

I was surprised by how orderly the men were in forming a row. They lined up and came to me 4 at a time. One in the mouth, one in the cunt and one in each hand, rotating around using both holes until they came - when they came they stepped away and the next guy came up.

They were allowed to repeat but after about 2 or 3 rounds all stopped. I was covered in cum all over by this time but was sill asking "No more takers? Come on I still need to be screwed."

But the first session was over, food was offered around and the 15 paying guests said their thanks and headed off. I was taken to a bathroom and I washed myself - most of the cum came off except for a few bits in my hair. I heard the second group of men entering - one of the organisers asked me whether I was ready for a second group and I said "You bet".

I was then introduced to a black woman - really black who called herself Cherise. Apparently the introduction to the second session was a lesbian show between me and her - if I was willing - and then Cherise would help out with the guys also. I was disappointed to share the limelight but said ok, being interested in her black pussy. Cherise told me she was a regular there and also had done a couple of porno movies - I was shown her HIV test also
We started to play with each other a bit before we went into the big room. When we were called in, I was already hot and Cherise was already wet, so we went to the centre of the room and immediately started a full on lesbian love-making scene. It was so good feeling the warmth of her body, her nipples pressing against mine as we kissed and the mutual pussy licking.

Some of the guys loved it but some were clearly restless - particularly one white guy who cried out "I didn't pay all this money to see a couple of lezzo whores - get them to spread their legs and take cock up them like they ought to".

We stopped after about 10 minutes and then the same speech by the organiser as before. Peter was still in the crowd. He had cum in my mouth once earlier. Cherise was introduced as my support and then I had to introduce myself to each man just as before working around the circle. Cherise was also working round the circle and so I felt driven to be even more slutty rubbing my pussy as I sucked and slurping the cocks outrageously.

When I started to suck the white guy who had been complaining loudest, he said to me "Suck it, you bitch". I just continued to suck.

Then back to the beds - there were two this time and guys could queue for either me or Cherise. I had sufficient attention and, over the session, I think every guy fucked me and came with me at least once.

There was only one nasty incident - the white guy continued to be angry and when he was fucking me - just as he was shooting his load into my pussy, he went out of control, shouting "Take it you little Chink whore - all you are good for is white man's cum." and I realised he had raised his fist to hit me - I think he was aiming for the face. Fortunately the guy next to him saw it and grabbed his arm, pushing him back. My pussy was a bit jarred by his cock being pushed out of me as he was pushed back - but nothing serious and the organisers got him out of the place very quickly and none too gently.

Finally the second session ended - I was completely out of control by then walking around the room, flaunting my cum-covered body to everyone -when I watch it on the video, I feel quite embarrassed. At the end, I was licking Cherise's pussy trying to get the cum out of it from the men who has used her.

Again a bit of food and drink, a shower and then an organiser asked me could I do the last session and I told him "Try to stop me" By this time, I was completely driven by an almost frenzy of sexuality. It was like I was having a non-stop orgasm.

The third session stated with two shows - Cherise being fucked by two of the organisers - the two whites - and me by the others. The show was well received by the audience. This time, the three guys switched around so that everyone used each hole. After that, the same speech and it went similarly except that I was in a cock-frenzy and quite crazily begging men to give me their cum.

I heard one of the organisers say to another "That Chinese girl is a complete slut" and that made me even more excited. I was saying between cocks - come on use this little cumslut" and "fuck me, fuck me" all the time.

Finally it all came to an end, the paying guests left. The video-taker turned off the camera and went to get paid. She then gave me three tapes - one for each session. I kissed her and to my surprise she asked if she could see me tomorrow morning before I flew out - I said I was happy to.

The photographer - who had been very discreet throughout, went home - he said he would give me the photos and negatives the following day.

After that Cherise, the organisers, Peter and myself sat around talking for a while. I was still quite high and excited but tiredness was beginning to settle in. Cherise asked if I was really a hooker and I said yes - told her about the massage parlour. She asked if I had ever walked the streets and I said no. She told me how she had been a streetwalker in Hollywood before. Peter said that I should turn tricks there tonight.

Cherise started shouting at him telling him he was a "fuckwit" and that I wouldn't last a minute out there. It was turning quite nasty with Peter saying "I am paying her - she will do what I say" and the other men siding with Cherise. At that point, I told Peter to get stuffed and he said - "ok don't bother but don't expect to be paid". I said nothing because I knew that I would get the money and I was too tired to fight. Cherise swore at him but I just told her "Don't worry, he will pay". I think they were surprised by the toughness in my voice.

Peter and I were driven back to my motel and the others went home - it was already about 1am. Peter stayed and wanted to fuck me. I was furious at him but finally, too tired to argue, I let him do it and then he went off to his hotel by taxi.

The next day was my last in LA - I I was to fly out in the evening. The video-girl, Susie, called round very early and told me how much she admired me - I was surprised but she insisted that she liked the way I lived life to the full. She said she is coming to Sydney in two month's time and asked if we could catch up. I gave her my mobile number and explained that I might be moving in with my boyfriend. She asked if I liked girls too - you know the answer to that. When the photographer came round, Susie and I were in bed together. He didn't seem very surprised.

I didn't bother to dress for him - after all he had seen me fully yesterday. Susie was embarrassed at first but later got out of bed and helped me go through the photos. We were kissing and touching each other in front of the photographer who is, Susie told me, gay.

After he had gone, Susie and I made love until she had to head off.
After that, it was all good-byes. Cherise called and asked if I had got paid - I explained he had paid half up front and had given me $1K each day so that at worst I was $2K out of pocket but I suspected that he would pay up so as to avoid trouble back home. She laughed - said it was fun working with me and if i ever wanted to do porno, give her a call.

Also one of the gang-bang organisers called offering me a job - "you're a natural" he said. I said thanks and I would think about it. He also told me I should lose that "boyfriend" - they had paid him $1K which was my "appearance fee" and they reckoned he was cheating me. I was more insulted that everyone called him my "boyfriend".

I also said good-bye to Jim and that is when he asked me to move in with him.

Then it was off to the airport - Peter picked me up on time and we arrived with plenty of time in hand. He was very pleasant to me and gave me my last instalment of $2K - he seemed to have completely forgotten what he had said yesterday- and said he hoped we would catch up soon. I was non-committal but really glad to be done with him.

The flight home was long but not so bad - the seat next to me was empty and I stretched out and slept. I set out Monday but arrived on Wednesday. I miss that Tuesday!

John was waiting at the terminal and took me straight home - on the way, I shot off my mouth and really upset him as I told you. Since then, I have made up - I am at his place waiting for him to come back. I could not watch the videos at my place because it is American format but John's VCR supports American format also so I have seen them today and have been half watching them as I type this letter.

Was my trip interesting? Yes. Would I do it again? No way!! I have gone as far as I want to along that line. Also for so much of my trip, my mind was on John. Even at my most depraved, I was missing him. What I wrote above is the events but the thought of John was my biggest support. After the last few days, I know how stupid I was - I should not have gone, John is worth much more than any of the things that I did. If I missed them, so what? If I lose John, I have wasted my best chance for happiness.

Last Saturday, I went out with some friends, Jane who is a Chinese and Linda who is Australian. They used to be lovers but are now both married with children. I met them through Sue. Even Jane, who is really very gay and has a low view of men- I feel sorry for her husband, told me that I was stupid and sided with John. Linda just made fun of me. By the time I got home I was really depressed. If John hadn't rung the next morning, I would be so down.

This email is ridiculously long, I apologise but hope you find it interesting.

Love
G

Briefly

Savita has decided to move in tomorrow – she will stay with her parents on Saturdays, coming back on Sunday to stay the rest of week with me.

John has partitioned off a bit of the lounge room so that he has a bedroom – I am very unhappy about this because he should have the room that my sister is using. I have to tread a bit carefully here.

Back at work - still not enjoying it much but not nearly as bad as the first few days – but determined to keep at it a while.

John Talks, Then Walks?

We had our catch-up and it is, I think, a good thing we did. Quite a bit was unearthed or at least made open. I am fortunate to have friends and family who do not mind speaking honestly.

As Sue predicted, Lisa insisted on coming. So their little daughter was there in her car capsule –she slept most of the time but did create a couple of interruptions as she demanded attention or feeding and Lisa or Sue settled her but I am just so glad Lisa came – she was really strong force to open up issues – she was in an incredibly feisty mood – maybe due to the post-natal hormones and also lack of sleep - but this just resulted in her putting her views more forcefully. In fact, she was more outspoken than Sue who was happy to let Lisa push their views.

It started with John thanking us all for the care we had shown. At first he had been a bit uncomfortable with the attention of us but he said he knew we all meant well and that he had to respond. He apologised for worrying us and stressed that he was ok.

I immediately said “And how often have I worried you? John, don’t apologise – you have been there for all of us so often –you must be able to tell us if you’re upset- I know I want to know and I am pretty sure Sue and Lisa feel the same.” Sue and Lisa both agreed fervently.

He said that since we had asked questions, he should explain a bit about what he felt. He said he found it hard to talk about his own feelings and so asked us to be patient.

First, he said that work was not fun at all but there was not much he could do about it. He wasn’t too worried about losing his job since he is good at it but if he did lose it, he could survive although if he lived to 90 he might only be able to afford to eat pet food –he hoped to keep his job for another six months so that he might at least be able to afford premium grade pet food. He said that with such lack of any visual emotion that only I picked up his humour – it is that ability to be so dry about things that is one of the special features I love about him.

Then he admitted that his inability to see his son was getting him down. He had felt something so strong for his little son when he first saw him and it was painful to think he might seldom or never see him again. However, he knew his son was safe and being cared for and that was a consolation. There wasn’t much to do about it but just try to see if Annette relented over time.”

I know I feel furious and Sue and Lisa are intensely angry about what Annette has done. Savita has called Annette a nasty bitch to me but none of us wanted to say much except that Lisa said “John, we understand – I could not imagine being separated from my daughter – it is natural that you feel a deep loss.”

Then, he said “And now the last issue – Savita and Grace – I look at them and I cannot feel angry or bitter – it is just too beautiful how they complement each other. I have been trying to decide what to do.”

“Hold on a second, John”, said Lisa “tell me just why you have to decide anything – Grace has to decide what to do for once in her life instead of pushing everything on to you as she always does – whether she will stay with the best person she could ever have or go off on some goofball chase of some Indian whore.”

“No Lisa”, John replied very firmly. “I know that you mean the best for me and your friendship is speaking but I have to disagree very strongly with you – first you cannot talk about Savita like that – she is warm, genuine and loving – she is honest and upfront. I have watched her with Grace over the week she stayed with us and the depth of communication is much deeper than either of them fully realises. That is why I cannot just leave it as Grace’s decision – I know she has decided she must stay. She told me that – and I know that Savita has not resisted even though I suspect that it is eating her up.”

“Grace is being so loyal”, he continued. “”I know she feels she owes me something and also she is scared of not having my perceived support. The fact is that she has moved beyond me and she does not need me as much as she thinks and she does not owe me so much that she should put her and Savita’s happiness at risk. I want her to choose what she wants and not what she feels duty to do.”

Lisa said nothing but did not look very convinced. She seemed to glare at Savita and me but Savita did not respond.

John returned his main line of reasoning. “So, I see so promising future for you two, Savita and Grace. I could hold on and fight but for what point? Even if I win, no one is happy and I lose. So, I have decided to encourage you to see if you can build a life together. The only thing that saddens me is our daughter – how can I let go and accept that I am to see her less – however good it is for everyone.”

Savita spoke for the first time. “What the fuck, John, Do you think I would let you break with your daughter even a bit? Do you think I could accept that? What kind of bitch do you take me for? I am not an Annette. John, I’ve watched you and Grace and you talk about things and you are great together – you underrate your importance to her - but you and your daughter – no father-daughter relation could be more loving. To interfere with that would poison everything - including my relationship with Grace. I love Grace beyond belief – my body craves her and the joy I feel being with her is so great that even though know I should walk away, I haven’t. But John – if it threatens things between your daughter and you – I must go.”

She was getting more and more emotional as she spoke and was almost in tears by the end. I reached for her but Lisa was there first and put her hand on Savita’s shoulder.

“Savita, maybe I misjudged you – I see why John respects you – you are right that John must not be separated from his daughter but that just means we must find the best solution – and I’m getting a strong sense that you going away is not the best solution. Can I ask a dumb question –in the short run until things get clearer would it be too hard for the three of you to live in the same house?”

Savita said “I shouldn’t move in – it is disruptive.”

John said “It is more disruptive if Grace is missing you.”

“My parents would object.” Savita responded.

“You are old enough – can your parents decide this?”

Lisa said –“You two! What is this - some competition for who is the best person? I sacrifice myself for you and so on… I have to go home some time – get to the point – Grace what do you think?”

“For me, it is just perfect to be with Savita and have John around but I know my convenience may not be the best thing for everyone.”

“O.k. At least I can rely on Grace: she says what she wants. She wants to fuck Savita” said Lisa. “Now I’m going to say something very unpopular – John, you maybe right about Grace and Savita being great together – what do I know- I’m just a hooker. But I do know that Grace’s continual fucking around and stupid drama-queen act have worn you out – you need a relationship with someone more normal and who values you for what you are – the greatest guy I know – but, John, you also need someone even if it is short term – you are lousy on your own.”

“Where are you leading to, Lisa?” Sue asked dubiously.

“I’m leading to the fact that we don’t have that many chances at the moment to talk frankly – and we need to discuss that John needs a fuck-partner if Savita and Grace are fucking together – he can’t be left alone –and John is too shy to easily get one -I know three immediate candidates: there’s Lin – a great fuck and absolutely mad about John but a hooker like Grace and a bit messed up, Annie – sure she’s got a cock but she’s hot for John and sexy – trouble is she’s a hooker too and just as messed up.”

“Who’s the third one?” asked Sue quite anxiously. “You?”

“Oh Sue! I’m fucking married to you – sure I fancy John but I’m not going to throw away all our stuff for him. I don’t fuck around - just trust me!”

“So who is the third one, then?” I asked intrigued.

“Fuck, I’m going to be unpopular if I say – oh what the hell – it’s that little virgin who’s been listening in to us all evening and has the hots for John big time.”

We all turned to face where Lisa was looking and sure enough there was my sister who had been sitting unobtrusively listening in. She went bright red and said “Lisa you can’t say that.”

“Honey, I’m a whore and I talk like this – I can say it and I have.”

I saw that Sue was trying hard to suppress giggles but I was felling very uncomfortable partly for my sister but also for John who I thought was being put on the spot – he is not comfortable with scenes like this.

John said “Lisa! Leave the poor girl alone – she doesn’t need to be teased.”

Lisa suddenly changed tone and spoke very seriously. “O.k. John; maybe I put it badly but here’s the facts. She adores you - she needs to get fucked by someone and you seem the best candidate since she is so horny for you. And for you, you get to fuck a beautiful young virgin who might be the right person for you. I’m deadly serious, John. I have watched a long time you two and I reckon you are pretty good together – both nice people.”

My sister spoke – and I was surprised that she did not even try to deny Lisa’s claims. “Lisa. Don’t tease me. John wants Grace not me. I am not a Grace-substitute. If he asked me to go to bed with him, I would but he isn’t going to because I am not attractive to him. So leave me alone.”

Everyone was staring at John and I knew I had to step in: “Leave off, Lisa I know you mean well but you can’t just organise people’s lives. John needs to make his choices and not be arranged by any of us. It’s time to back off and stop embarrassing both John and my sister.”

My sister looked at John and said “John, I am so sorry to embarrass you. I shouldn’t have said I want to sleep with you.”

John said “I am just so flattered that you said it - how could I not be when a beautiful, attractive girl says something like that– it is only you are Grace’s sister and this makes it very complicated.”

Sue said “John, I know it is not my place to say anything but I think Lisa’s views have a lot of sense in them – don’t dismiss it too quickly.” I actually felt surprisingly jealous about the idea of John fucking my sister even though I know I have no right to be and maybe it makes a degree of sense but I’m unreasonably jealous – and that’s why I must stay out of it and leave it to John and my sister.

I think we were all a bit overwhelmed by Lisa’s pushing. Sue apologised saying “Lisa is in fine form today but we all need sleep”. She said that she was relieved that John was opening up – but could he please come and talk more to them –they were worried about their best friend. They then headed off quite quickly.

So John, my sister, Savita and I sat there awkwardly with Savita finishing up saying that she must go home – John suggested she stay but she said she had promised to be home – so John offered a lift and somewhat to my surprise she accepted it. I offered to drive her but she said “John’s a much better driver!”

Before they set out, John said “Savita, I realise that it may be hard for you but I want to say this in front of Grace – as far as I am concerned I think it would be good if you and Grace are staying together – I can adjust around you in whatever way is helpful – I can stay or move out as you wish. So it is really between Grace and you.”

“I would like Savita to be staying here but that’s totally selfish”, I said.

Savita said “I cannot lie, I have been fantasising about this ever since I met Grace again – but I am scared to so it – I know I will always regret it if I don’t try but I also worry how my parents feel if I move out on them – they like having me at home.”

“Would be better if Grace moved in with you?”

“No, I think my parents would be really uncomfortable.”

“Maybe you don’t move out completely.” I suggested. “You could stay with them 1 or 2 nights but stay the other nights with me.”

“I’ll think about it- Grace, I want it a lot, I promise”

They set out after I extracted a promise that Savita would call me when she got home – I was a bit nervous of what they were saying to each other.

Then I had to face my sister.

She was off the mark immediately with “Well, big sister. Going to lecture me? I know I made a fool of myself and now John hates me.”

“You are a rank amateur at making a fool of yourself – you’re talking to an expert - and John definitely does not hate you – he is just very embarrassed and you can thank Lisa for that.”

“I’m glad she said it – even it looks me look like a fool – I found it is so hard keeping it in.”

“You really like him?”

“Yes. So much.”

“John is great but he is much older than you – 30 years.”

“Yes so when he’s 80. I will be 50 and able to care for him properly."

“That’s a bit of forward planning!”

My sister blushed – “It’s stupid but these last months, I just dream of being with him and I do think the long term – I’m silly.”

“Can you cope with the fact that he likes hookers and has a past – including me.”

“I know all about it. Someone obviously told him I liked him and one day, he just told me why I shouldn’t like him and went through it all – the hookers, transsexuals everything. I think he wanted me to feel repelled but I did not. You think if it Grace – your girlfriend works in an office, does not sleep with men and is not even that active with women, I gather, but she accepts and adores you even though you sleep with anything that moves. At least, John is a wonderfully nice warm person who treats everyone well - so why shouldn’t I been drawn to him even if he is a bit sexually active. He doesn’t lie to me about it.”

Somehow I felt under attack and replied “I don’t lie about it.”

“No, you advertise it – hey, I’m a slut - you should all worship me.”

“What have I done wrong? Why are you so angry at me?”

“I’m not angry – I just get tired that somehow you’re so special. I tell Mum that I like John and she gives me a lecture about how he is your husband and I should stay clear and then she tells me ‘If Grace likes Savita, we must respect her.’ What about me? And you always act like some sort of drama queen – just like Lisa said. I know my life has been easy but sometimes I feel things too - and I am hurting sometimes when I look at John and want him and know that nobody approves and John thinks I’m stupid.”

I was actually shocked – my sister always seems so self-possessed and I had totally failed to see how she was feeling. It made me feel uncomfortable with myself.

“I do wish you would stop saying that John thinks you’re stupid – he doesn’t. But I know him – he’ll be scared of corrupting you. He thinks you are so sweet and he wants the very best for you. But the trouble is, even if you think it is ok to sleep with John, it won’t be good if he feels he is cheating you – you must get him comfortable that you want him and that he is not harming you.”
“So you are ok with me sleeping with him?”

“It doesn’t matter what I feel. What matters is what John and you want. I tell you one thing – it’s not physical attraction that the problem for him. I know he thinks you are exceedingly desirable.”

“Maybe I should go and get a job as a hooker so that John can feel at ease?”

“That’s just silly. Everyone would be absolutely worried about it and it looks too much like you are punishing John for respecting you and not just fucking you.”

“So, what do I do, big sister? How do I get what I want?”

“Why are you asking me? I don’t know.”

“Because, big sister, you always get what you want? You have Savita – you keep John as a back-up and so when you say ‘I don’t know’, you mean’ I don’t care’”.

The anger in my sister’s voice was ominous. “Well, little sister, if I don’t care then I guess I should just tell you to move out – but I do care, it’s just that I think that if I get involved, I just make things more complicated.”

“I don’t want you fucking involved – I want advice. How do I get John to sleep with me and not treat me like a pure and untouchable girl?”

“My advice is that you have to maintain a balance between respecting John’s right to decide and expressing a serious interest in him. Convince him you want to sleep with him and show interest but not too hard. Because he doesn’t say what he wants, it is easy to just do what you want with him. Maybe you can get a fuck out of him this way but to get a relationship then realise he is an intelligent man who needs respect.”

“So, I shouldn’t make a move on him?”

“You better make the move – he won’t – but just don’t force it and treat him as an equal in the move – I think he might make some moves back if you give him confidence and respect.”

“Makes sense – maybe you are not the worst big sister after all.”

“Thanks.”

My sister then went off to have a shower. I was left to think. John said to me when I suggested that my sister had a crush on him, that it was because she had too much time on her hands and no male friends – he said that if she had a job she would drop him in a second. I am not so sure.

Savita called me and said that John had dropped her off and was on the way back. I pushed her on what they discussed and she said that she had asked why he was so keen for her to move in – he said it was because we had known each other 7 years – it was time to act and he thought it would not become easier if she waited. She said he pushed her a bit on when she would decide and she finally admitted that she had already decided she wanted to and John suggested she move in next Sunday and she said she would give an answer. My heart gave a big jump when I heard that. It was so quick but I knew I wanted it. I am hungry to be with her – even though I am back at work, I am not really enjoying it and I long for the intimacy I have built with Savita over the last few weeks.

I babbled with excitement and Savita sensing my delight said “So you really d want it?” “More than I can say. Do you doubt it?” She was silent a second and then said “To be honest I can’t see why you like me better than Sylvie or Wei - I’m not as sexy as them .” “Oh you are! And it’s not just sexy – I feel I can link with you like no one else.” “Thank you, my husband”, she replied.

I fell asleep almost immediately and when I woke I realise John was home and sleeping in the couch. I went out to ask him if he wanted to come to bed.”

He said, “It’s Savita’s and your bed now, Grace.”

I realise I will quite likely never have sex with John again and that was sad for me given all we have been through. Saddest was that our last fuck was that nightmare after my rape – it is so unfitting an end to what has been a passionate sexual relationship. But maybe, it was also fitting in that it was John once again giving me support and love in a way no other man has.

He was right – Savita is my bed-mate now. It is better to face that was our last fuck but I do feel a degree of sadness and a sense of loss that the sexual relationship has ended between John and me although I hope friendship can still be there. I also feel so very guilty about John – I have taken too much from him.

John's Response

John has read my last blog – Sue sent it to him, rang him up and told him to - and he told me that he was “flattered” by our concern. Rather than responding to each of us separately, he thought he should explain himself to Sue and me at one go and suggested we have a catch-up. He said that probably Lisa would be too tied up with her daughter.

He said however before this he would talk briefly with me because I was so worried. He admitted that he was stretched by work. Also there were some things that were on his mind and his son was certainly one of them. He said that he wanted to talk about Savita but would prefer to do it when she was there.

I told him that I had learnt from my stupidity with Anna and I would never abandon him – I had learnt his value to me in so many ways and that although Savita was wonderful, my relationship with him was long and deep– he should not lose sight of it.

He surprised me so much then by saying. “Let’s get this clear, Grace, Savita is not Anna – she is a clever genuine person who loves you and with whom you are building emotional ties deeper than I think you realise. Anna was selfish and manipulative, seeking to use you – yes, Anna was turned on and attracted by you but she never respected you. Savita is a warm person who respects you so deeply and is so concerned to care for you. It is not as easy as saying I won’t make the same mistake because, Grace, I always thought that Anna was a mistake and I warned you that – with Savita I have a horrible feeling that the mistake would be to walk away. With Anna I was angry with you and very hurt. With Savita I have watched her pull you round from the rape and my initial impressions from what you had told me were confirmed. She is an exceptionally strong and loving person. That is what makes it harder and why I have been thinking so much. That is why if she doesn’t mind – and it is a rather unreasonable demand – I would like her to come to this catch-up.”

“I will ask her and I think she will come. I haven’t said this before, John, because I have been reluctant to throw her in your face but I have talked quite a bit about you with her and she has the deepest respect for you – when I mentioned depression she googled it and asked me question after question. She told me that my obligations to you are such that she will not accept me if I am hurting you in any way – she says from the blog and what we have discussed, she has realised that you deserve my total loyalty – it is this that confirmed my belief that I have to be with you.”

“Let’s leave that until we are all together, I am not convinced she is right but I know she is basically good-willed which is why I ask you never to put Anna and Savita together in comparisons. But, Grace, the only other thing I am going to say now is that I am o.k. – not the happiest I have been – but o.k. I am not suicidal or anything near that."

I heard that and I believe him – he is completely rational and clear – but even so, I think a conversation is a good idea. I rang Sue and Savita and we have set up a get-together for tomorrow. Savita said that her coming if he wanted was not at all an unreasonable demand given he had been so good to her in letting her stay after my rape. Sue said she was so keen too hear what John said – she and Lisa are so concerned that he is ok. Her only comment was that it would be hard to stop Lisa coming.

John

John has read my last blog – Sue sent it to him, rang him up and told him to - and he told me that he was “flattered” by our concern. Rather than responding to each of us separately, he thought he should explain himself to Sue and me at one go and suggested we have a catch-up. He said that probably Lisa would be too tied up with her daughter.

He said however before this he would talk briefly with me because I was so worried. He admitted that he was stretched by work. Also there were some things that were on his mind and his son was certainly one of them. He said that he wanted to talk about Savita but would prefer to do it when she was there.

I told him that I had learnt from my stupidity with Anna and I would never abandon him – I had learnt his value to me in so many ways and that although Savita was wonderful, my relationship with him was long and deep– he should not lose sight of it.

He surprised me so much then by saying. “Let’s get this clear, Grace, Savita is not Anna – she is a clever genuine person who loves you and with whom you are building emotional ties deeper than I think you realise. Anna was selfish and manipulative, seeking to use you – yes, Anna was turned on and attracted by you but she never respected you. Savita is a warm person who respects you so deeply and is so concerned to care for you. It is not as easy as saying I won’t make the same mistake because, Grace, I always thought that Anna was a mistake and I warned you that – with Savita I have a horrible feeling that the mistake would be to walk away. With Anna I was angry with you and very hurt. With Savita I have watched her pull you round from the rape and my initial impressions from what you had told me were confirmed. She is an exceptionally strong and loving person. That is what makes it harder and why I have been thinking so much. That is why if she doesn’t mind – and it is a rather unreasonable demand – I would like her to come to this catch-up.”

“I will ask her and I think she will come. I haven’t said this before, John, because I have been reluctant to throw her in your face but I have talked quite a bit about you with her and she has the deepest respect for you – when I mentioned depression she googled it and asked me question after question. She told me that my obligations to you are such that she will not accept me if I am hurting you in any way – she says from the blog and what we have discussed, she has realised that you deserve my total loyalty – it is this that confirmed my belief that I have to be with you.”

“Let’s leave that until we are all together, I am not convinced she is right but I know she is basically good-willed which is why I ask you never to put Anna and Savita together in comparisons. But, Grace, the only other thing I am going to say now is that I am o.k. – not the happiest I have been – but o.k. I am not suicidal or anything near that. “

I heard that and I believe him – he is completely rational and clear – but even so, I think a conversation is a good idea. I rang Sue and Savita and we have set up a get-together for tomorrow. Savita said that her coming if he wanted was not at all an unreasonable demand given he had been so good to her in letting her stay after my rape. Sue said she was so keen too hear what John said – she and Lisa are so concerned that he is ok. Her only comment was that it would be hard to stop Lisa coming.