Lisa has really impressed me –even though I now know she doesn’t like me very much. I heard the story partly from Sue and partly from Annette who spoke to me this morning.
Last Sunday, Lisa said to Sue, “You must drive me to Annette’s place.” Sue said it was an order and she knew better to argue or question. Lisa put their daughter in to the capsule and Sue drove her there. She told Sue to park around the corner, got out and took the baby capsule and went around the corner knocked on the door.
Annette answered the door and Lisa marched straight in without being asked and sat down in a chair in the living room.
Then she said. “I want to show you my daughter. I love her very much – if anyone stood between her and me, I would probably kill them.”
She paused and looked steadily at Annette. Then she said:
“Sue loves our daughter too. If anyone stood between them, she would probably kill that person also. If I took our daughter away, she would fight me and she is right. John has lost his son and he is very hurt. John does not deserve this – if I was him, I would fight those responsible but John is too nice.”
“Get out.”
“No. Not until I finish talking.”
Annette called her father and when he arrived, she said, “Dad, get this person out of here.”
“I am not throwing out a woman who has just had a baby.”
“Mum would.”
“Your mother is not here and you know how I feel about what you are doing – I think you need to listen.”
Annette said, “Then I am going out”. Lisa said” I will follow you until you until you hear what I say.”
“Ok, fuck it, say it and then fuck off.”
“John needs to see his son.”
“John will never see MY son again after the way he treated me.”
“What did he do to you?”
“He broke me off from Grace.”
“I’m sorry Annette – I didn’t realise you were a half-wit.” Lisa said standing up. “I guess I had better go – no one can deal with someone so dumb.”
“I am not dumb – that’s what I feel.”
“Get this straight then – maybe you do not like it but John did not break the relationship. Grace just didn’t love you enough. Maybe it is not nice to say that but I’m not nice. And do not punish John for the fact that Grace is a self-centred, selfish woman.”
Annette said she immediately knew in her heart that Lisa was saying the truth and she was angry but also exposed. Lisa was the first person to throw the truth so directly into her face.
Lisa continued “John is hurting. That makes me very angry because he has treated you so very well. You are angry at Grace. I can understand that – we all know she is selfish person who lives in her own world.” (Annette took great delight in repeating that to me.) “But, John did not dump you or try to break any relationship – he defended you and supported you throughout. And you treat him like shit. I am angry. Sue is angry. You should be ashamed.”
“Why do you defend John?”
“Because he looked after you – he worried about you – he has cared for your son and has given you a chance to recover – he is the only man I trust because he has helped me and Sue so much. And Grace has hurt him too much – he doesn’t need you doing him wrong too.”
“How has Grace hurt him?”
“By picking up with that Indian woman, by living in her own world and fucking everything that moves while he has to watch and wait. He has been her personal doormat.”
“It could be good for him if she drops him – he can stop being a doormat and maybe he might even find a more compatible woman someday if anyone ever wants him – although I doubt that.”
“Fuck! Lots of women want him! He will find someone! I can think of a few women who want him even without looking far. Don’t undervalue him just because you prefer women. Sue and I will not let him be hurt.”
“Is he very sad about Grace?”
“He has known a long time she would go – so he is resigned, He is hurting too much about his son to feel much more.”
“You are talking about MY son.”
“Yours and his.”
“How is Grace?” Does she miss me at all?”
“Grace only thinks of Grace. But at the moment she has reason to hurt.”
“How.”
“Some asshole client raped her. She has no life in her now – even I feel sorry for her.”
“And John, will he try to take my son away?”
“Fuck it! Are you stupid? He would never do that.”
“Maybe I will let him see my son sometimes.” Annette said she knew she had to do the right thing – her anger was quickly turning to a sad realisation that she and I would not work and it wasn’t John’s fault. She was crying and Lisa actually comforted her.
“Good! But think what is good for your son – and maybe sometimes will become often. Your son needs a dad like John.”
“Let me think about it.”
“Sure but let John know soon – he needs it.”
Lisa had done with a mix of bullying, argument, emotion and strength what we had all failed to do – she had got Annette to the next stage. What she said about me was certainly not flattering but the result was so good that I cannot complain too much.
Sue, who, when she spoke to me, tactfully omitted the more critical comments about me which Annette filled in, told me when Lisa returned to the car, she look very satisfied with herself but just said “well, I think that’s fixed.’
Sure enough, Annette called later that day. John was out and I answered. It was an awkward conversation since Annette is still very angry at me. When Annette called, she asked me to pass on a suggestion that John come around on Sunday for a play with their son and a “more positive” talk with her.
Sue is so proud of Lisa for what she did and John seems happier than I have seen him for months.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Old History
I was going back over my emails and I found an email I thought I had lost in which I wrote about my first gangbang just before I married. I sent it to someone I used to chat with back in 2003 before I married and had my daughter. The guy on chat was called John also – just to confuse things. I had forgotten some details and so I am glad to have this email to remind me. I have completely forgotten what I said that caused the quarrel I mention at the end of the email. I vaguely remember a quarrel but although it was obviously of key importance to me at the time, it has faded into complete obscurity.
Dear John,
I have written a long email to you telling about my trip - when I read it through, I found it quite unreal and almost as if it were someone else's story. I do not know how to explain this feeling of disassociation or how to explain why I did such a silly thing. I hope you will not despise me too much when you read it.
I wonder at how I could act the way I did - I think being in a strange country where no one knew me helped me lose whatever inhibitions I have. Also I wanted to purge my system and I am certain I have done that.
If you want to talk more about it then I am happy to but this is my past and my future lies, I pray, with John. But, to the story of my trip:
Well, it was an eventful 7 or so days - hard to say how many days - much of the time was in the air! 14 hours or so each way.
I found out what a creep my client was - I will tell you about that as I go along but it was an adventure despite that.
I had to get to the airport quite early - John wouldn't take me there although he insisted on picking me up on the way back: just like he would never take me to work but would pick me up from there - said that it was his way of saying that he would like me to quit that work and start something new. I guess it has some logic to it.
I saw the client (Peter) at the airport - he was with his wife and two lovely little daughters. Actually that made me feel bad - they looked so nice.
I thought I would sit with him but he was flying business and I was on economy. It was a long, long, long, long flight (although that does not tell you how long it was). I was sitting next to a fat man who seemed to think that my seat was partly his also - at least that encouraged me to walk about and so avoid DVT!
By the time I arrived in LA I was one GLW (grumpy little wombat - John's expression). It wasn't improved by the fact it took me over an hour to get through immigration. And they were so rude - at one point I thought they were going to send me back - but they didn't.
The heat and pollution did not improve my mood. So, by the time, I caught up with Peter outside, I was in a foul mood - and he complained I had kept him waiting! I asked where we were going - and was put in an even more foul mood when he told me that he was going to stay at a luxury hotel but I was staying at a motel in Orange County.
He then told me the deal - his fantasy was to be a pimp - and he was going to pimp me for a few days until a little "function" he had arranged for Sunday - (I arrived Wednesday morning: confusing - arriving before I set out!) I felt stupid and trapped but there wasn't that much I could do - anyway I was getting paid $2K each day and it's not as though whoring myself was something new.
Apparently he had a friend in LA who had helped set up the whole thing. I was working from a room which was well monitored - so at least I would be safe - and the proprietors were very careful, screening the clients.
I arrived at the "motel" about 3pm and met the reception person - a rather large black man. Peter's hands were all over me as he introduced me as "the hooker from Australia that you were told about". The guy looked me over and seemed satisfied. Peter was getting really turned on by the way he was treating me but the other guy was so used to hookers, all he did was ask a few questions and then showed us to the room.
It was like so many motel rooms - except for the large supply of condoms - after showing me the air-con and explaining the rules of the place - no firearms, no drugs, safe sex only - he left. Peter was so excited that he had to fuck me, calling me a cheap whore as he did and telling me how many men I was going to fuck - it really turned him on to think he was pimping me.
After screwing me, Peter left to go this hotel - I was glad to see the back of him - he was already getting boring. He said he would be back after I "had done my whoring for the night". Somehow I resisted saying anything - never bite the hand that is giving you $2K a day.
After he had gone, the black reception guy - Jim - came back - seems he was a bit worried that I was up to it - said he didn't want trouble and was I sure I could handle all these guys? I laughed and said I do it all the time. Asked him if he wanted me to prove it and he said 'sure" so I sucked him off. After that, he treated me as a friend. He said he was worried because "my boyfriend seemed such a jerk and might have been cheating me - I agreed with "the jerk" bit but not the "boyfriend" bit and explained a bit about what I did in Australia.
Jim then explained that the charge for guys was $100 a half-hour and a $150 an hour. Peter's arrangement was that he would get a quarter, the owners the rest (apparently the owners were happy because usually it was a third to a half for the girl or her "protector" - but probably bargaining was harder for Peter because he was an out-of-towner). Jim also explained "tips" - in the US, girls get tips for doing full-service - the tips were $50-$100). He suggested I hide this from Peter and showed me where there was a safe box for keeping it.
I had about an hour's rest before the first customer. I did 4 the first night - all suck-and-fucks. The customers were pretty unimaginative throughout the time I worked there- a lot of them said how much they liked Asian girls and they all liked oral. Tipped well though - I have about $3000US to show for it.
Peter came about 11pm - asked how many guys - complained about my only doing 4 - said I should work harder, fucked me again and then went off to his hotel, telling me how he would see me each night but had a lot of important business to do in the day - I think I was meant to be impressed. I said "fine" and left it at that.
In the mornings, Jim would knock about 10am to check if I was awake - I had real problems adjusting to the time for Thursday but by Friday I was fine. I encouraged him to fuck me and he did - I actually quite liked him- he liked me back - on Monday when i was leaving, he asked me if i would like to move to LA and live with him - I apologised but said I had a boyfriend back home - he took my boyfriend to be a pimp (don't know that John would like to think of himself as a pimp but I didn't argue with Jim).
I didn't meet many of the other girls - I did meet one black girl called Sheena who called me a "gook". (We did not become friends) There was a white girl, her name was something like Betty-Sue or Mary-Jane - I forget). She seemed pleasant but rather stupid. Most of the girls do not sleep at the "motel" - I was the exception.
Each night about 11pm, Peter came round, fucked me, collected the money from Jim (although he didn't tell me that), paid me my day’s payment and went home. He seemed so excited at selling me and was forever telling me what a slut I was - as if I didn't know! He would cross-examine me about each customer, how many times they fucked me, did I suck them. He was less like a pimp than a voyeur.
The work is a bit blurred in my mind - between 30 and 40 guys in total, but I was more focussed on the "function" as Peter referred to it. On Saturday, before I started work, Peter brought a guy around - I didn't catch his name, although I was told it.
This guy started to ask me whether I was able to cope with a large number of men and if I really wanted a gangbang. When I said yes, he asked to see my HIV test - I had had one just before I left since Peter had asked me to and I have them regularly anyway. He then pulled out a folder with a large number of sheets - each was an HIV test and a photo. He explained that these were the men who were coming tomorrow. I asked why all the tests were from the same place and so recent - he explained that they had a trusted doctor so that no-one could substitute fake AIDs reports. He also assured me that my safety was important and that no harm would be allowed to be inflicted on me. It seemed all so carefully planned.
He told me something of the business - apparently there are a reasonable number of girls who fantasise about a gangbang or have partners that want to see them gangbanged. Five men had set up a business which catered for them and organised this. They had a list of men willing to pay for the chance to join in - and charged about $300 each. There were three sessions during the day - once I agreed, I had to do the first session and they hoped I would do the other two - but had alternatives if I wasn't willing. Peter said that I would do all 3 - I was a "natural whore".
A video of each session would be made for me - they would pay me $1000 per session if I released a copy to them - this was one of the few times Peter and I agreed, we both said no. I don't want any copies floating around to trouble me later and he did not want to be embarrassed in his work. There would also be a photographer - that worried me - but the guy promised that all photos would go to me and I could release only those ones which did not identify me.
He stressed that he wanted repeat business or referrals and wasn't going to play games - I said what about later and he said that he would give me the negatives. I asked why the photos and he said that it was so that I could have a record - also the photos of each guy would be made in a manner that showed them using me but which did not show my face - each guy got a photo as part of the $300. I wasn't happy about it but after a lot of assurances said ok.
He also told me not to wear clothes that I could not bear to lose - although "slutty was good" -and to bring a change of clothes. Then he was off and I started working. I felt really strange that day - very excited but also quite scared. It all seemed quite unreal too. I wondered more than once why I had come here. I also missed John really badly.
Peter came over in the night after I had worked - he was even more turned on that usual - if that is possible - telling me how he was going to see all these dicks inside me - how I was going to be a cumslut - and on and on. I hated him even more than usual. Still I let him fuck me - he came very fast.
I had brought my "streetworker uniform" as I call it - long boots, short black skirt, black stockings and a white rather thin blouse and white frilly panties, suspender and bra. I decided to wear that and to pack my cut-off jeans and another white button up blouse, and another set of white lacy bra and panties - I like white - must be because i am a "pure woman". (joke)
I spent quite a bit of time dressing up - making sure I looked as slutty as possible - if I was going to do it I was going to do it to the full. A car picked me up at about 10am - the driver was polite but smirking a bit. It wasn't far before he pulled into a driveway - it was a rather ordinary looking house but a bit removed from its neighbours.
The driver opened the door to the car and asked me for the bag with my change of clothing and said he would look after it. He then pointed to a door and said I should go in there after ringing the bell first.
I walked up to the door - I was so nervous, rang the bell and walked in. suddenly I was grabbed firmly but not cruelly and pulled into a big room. I saw lots of men but was not able to focus.
The guy who had grabbed me, carried me to a big massage-table-like bed in the centre of the room. Another guy grabbed my legs and I was lifted on to my back on the bed, one guy then tore my blouse off me while the other pulled off my skirt and flung it aside.
He then immediately pushed my legs apart and ripped a hole in the base of my panties. He then started to fuck me through the hole. A third guy came up and put his cock in front of my face and then started to push his cock into my mouth by pulling my hair to guide my head.
I could not have stopped them even if I wanted to - it was like being gang-raped only I had agreed to it and I felt more safe. There was lots of cheering and whistles from the other guys as they watched me being used.
The guy who I was sucking came quite quickly and I almost choked - not long after that the other guy came in my pussy - I had begun! Even as the two who had just cum in me pulled away, two other guys - one being my driver - picked me up off the bed and lowered me to the ground. Underneath was the guy who had "greeted" me at the door. I was being placed into position so that he could enter my ass. Using lube, he managed to push his cock in and then the other two moved into position one in my pussy and one in my mouth.
At that moment I saw the videotaker for the first time. She was a quite young, very pretty girl. Somehow knowing that a woman was watching me being a complete slut turned me on more - don't quite know why -and I began to cum. At the same time the two guys who had originally fucked me came up on either side and put their cocks into my hands. It was done for effect so that there is a very clear shot of me on the video with men inside my pussy, ass and mouth and my hands holding on to two more cocks while my body was shaking with a climax. The camera then pans across the room and catches the other men (including Peter) wanking off at the sight.
I was cumming hard - maybe a release of all the nervous energy from anticipating the day. On the video, I can hear my moans above the shouts and whistles of the guys. Finally the three men came and I had a second load of cum in my mouth and pussy, The guy in my ass also came but was wearing a condom. Usually I dislike anal but that day it seemed right. There was hi-fiving between them as they came and cheering from the crowd.
I realised later that the five who had used me so far were the organisers. Two were black, two white and one Latino. They were very skilled at making it run smoothly.
Almost immediately, one of the organisers stood up - it was the same one who had spoken to me yesterday - and addressed the room. "Hi, you all - welcome today. This slut is Jenny, a little Asian hooker from Australia who has come all this long way to satisfy you. Make sure you use her well and remember she is your fuck toy for today." I waved at the guys and to my complete surprise, they all clapped.
"Now Jenny, you have to introduce yourself to them all."
Introducing myself involved their forming a circle around me of 21 guys including Peter and the 5 organisers and my moving around the circle sucking each dick for about 30 seconds - one guy was so excited he shot his load then and there - I swallowed and licked him clean - he seemed so embarrassed.
When I had finished the circle, I was led back to the bed. I had completely lost my top and bra by this stage and my skirt had gone earlier. My boots had been slid off at some point in the process but I was still wearing my suspenders, stockings - very laddered - and the tatters of my panties. These were removed from me and I lay back on the bed completely naked, my legs spread wide apart. I felt so deliciously slutty lying like that and I said "Well anybody want to fuck this little whore."
I was surprised by how orderly the men were in forming a row. They lined up and came to me 4 at a time. One in the mouth, one in the cunt and one in each hand, rotating around using both holes until they came - when they came they stepped away and the next guy came up.
They were allowed to repeat but after about 2 or 3 rounds all stopped. I was covered in cum all over by this time but was sill asking "No more takers? Come on I still need to be screwed."
But the first session was over, food was offered around and the 15 paying guests said their thanks and headed off. I was taken to a bathroom and I washed myself - most of the cum came off except for a few bits in my hair. I heard the second group of men entering - one of the organisers asked me whether I was ready for a second group and I said "You bet".
I was then introduced to a black woman - really black who called herself Cherise. Apparently the introduction to the second session was a lesbian show between me and her - if I was willing - and then Cherise would help out with the guys also. I was disappointed to share the limelight but said ok, being interested in her black pussy. Cherise told me she was a regular there and also had done a couple of porno movies - I was shown her HIV test also
We started to play with each other a bit before we went into the big room. When we were called in, I was already hot and Cherise was already wet, so we went to the centre of the room and immediately started a full on lesbian love-making scene. It was so good feeling the warmth of her body, her nipples pressing against mine as we kissed and the mutual pussy licking.
Some of the guys loved it but some were clearly restless - particularly one white guy who cried out "I didn't pay all this money to see a couple of lezzo whores - get them to spread their legs and take cock up them like they ought to".
We stopped after about 10 minutes and then the same speech by the organiser as before. Peter was still in the crowd. He had cum in my mouth once earlier. Cherise was introduced as my support and then I had to introduce myself to each man just as before working around the circle. Cherise was also working round the circle and so I felt driven to be even more slutty rubbing my pussy as I sucked and slurping the cocks outrageously.
When I started to suck the white guy who had been complaining loudest, he said to me "Suck it, you bitch". I just continued to suck.
Then back to the beds - there were two this time and guys could queue for either me or Cherise. I had sufficient attention and, over the session, I think every guy fucked me and came with me at least once.
There was only one nasty incident - the white guy continued to be angry and when he was fucking me - just as he was shooting his load into my pussy, he went out of control, shouting "Take it you little Chink whore - all you are good for is white man's cum." and I realised he had raised his fist to hit me - I think he was aiming for the face. Fortunately the guy next to him saw it and grabbed his arm, pushing him back. My pussy was a bit jarred by his cock being pushed out of me as he was pushed back - but nothing serious and the organisers got him out of the place very quickly and none too gently.
Finally the second session ended - I was completely out of control by then walking around the room, flaunting my cum-covered body to everyone -when I watch it on the video, I feel quite embarrassed. At the end, I was licking Cherise's pussy trying to get the cum out of it from the men who has used her.
Again a bit of food and drink, a shower and then an organiser asked me could I do the last session and I told him "Try to stop me" By this time, I was completely driven by an almost frenzy of sexuality. It was like I was having a non-stop orgasm.
The third session stated with two shows - Cherise being fucked by two of the organisers - the two whites - and me by the others. The show was well received by the audience. This time, the three guys switched around so that everyone used each hole. After that, the same speech and it went similarly except that I was in a cock-frenzy and quite crazily begging men to give me their cum.
I heard one of the organisers say to another "That Chinese girl is a complete slut" and that made me even more excited. I was saying between cocks - come on use this little cumslut" and "fuck me, fuck me" all the time.
Finally it all came to an end, the paying guests left. The video-taker turned off the camera and went to get paid. She then gave me three tapes - one for each session. I kissed her and to my surprise she asked if she could see me tomorrow morning before I flew out - I said I was happy to.
The photographer - who had been very discreet throughout, went home - he said he would give me the photos and negatives the following day.
After that Cherise, the organisers, Peter and myself sat around talking for a while. I was still quite high and excited but tiredness was beginning to settle in. Cherise asked if I was really a hooker and I said yes - told her about the massage parlour. She asked if I had ever walked the streets and I said no. She told me how she had been a streetwalker in Hollywood before. Peter said that I should turn tricks there tonight.
Cherise started shouting at him telling him he was a "fuckwit" and that I wouldn't last a minute out there. It was turning quite nasty with Peter saying "I am paying her - she will do what I say" and the other men siding with Cherise. At that point, I told Peter to get stuffed and he said - "ok don't bother but don't expect to be paid". I said nothing because I knew that I would get the money and I was too tired to fight. Cherise swore at him but I just told her "Don't worry, he will pay". I think they were surprised by the toughness in my voice.
Peter and I were driven back to my motel and the others went home - it was already about 1am. Peter stayed and wanted to fuck me. I was furious at him but finally, too tired to argue, I let him do it and then he went off to his hotel by taxi.
The next day was my last in LA - I I was to fly out in the evening. The video-girl, Susie, called round very early and told me how much she admired me - I was surprised but she insisted that she liked the way I lived life to the full. She said she is coming to Sydney in two month's time and asked if we could catch up. I gave her my mobile number and explained that I might be moving in with my boyfriend. She asked if I liked girls too - you know the answer to that. When the photographer came round, Susie and I were in bed together. He didn't seem very surprised.
I didn't bother to dress for him - after all he had seen me fully yesterday. Susie was embarrassed at first but later got out of bed and helped me go through the photos. We were kissing and touching each other in front of the photographer who is, Susie told me, gay.
After he had gone, Susie and I made love until she had to head off.
After that, it was all good-byes. Cherise called and asked if I had got paid - I explained he had paid half up front and had given me $1K each day so that at worst I was $2K out of pocket but I suspected that he would pay up so as to avoid trouble back home. She laughed - said it was fun working with me and if i ever wanted to do porno, give her a call.
Also one of the gang-bang organisers called offering me a job - "you're a natural" he said. I said thanks and I would think about it. He also told me I should lose that "boyfriend" - they had paid him $1K which was my "appearance fee" and they reckoned he was cheating me. I was more insulted that everyone called him my "boyfriend".
I also said good-bye to Jim and that is when he asked me to move in with him.
Then it was off to the airport - Peter picked me up on time and we arrived with plenty of time in hand. He was very pleasant to me and gave me my last instalment of $2K - he seemed to have completely forgotten what he had said yesterday- and said he hoped we would catch up soon. I was non-committal but really glad to be done with him.
The flight home was long but not so bad - the seat next to me was empty and I stretched out and slept. I set out Monday but arrived on Wednesday. I miss that Tuesday!
John was waiting at the terminal and took me straight home - on the way, I shot off my mouth and really upset him as I told you. Since then, I have made up - I am at his place waiting for him to come back. I could not watch the videos at my place because it is American format but John's VCR supports American format also so I have seen them today and have been half watching them as I type this letter.
Was my trip interesting? Yes. Would I do it again? No way!! I have gone as far as I want to along that line. Also for so much of my trip, my mind was on John. Even at my most depraved, I was missing him. What I wrote above is the events but the thought of John was my biggest support. After the last few days, I know how stupid I was - I should not have gone, John is worth much more than any of the things that I did. If I missed them, so what? If I lose John, I have wasted my best chance for happiness.
Last Saturday, I went out with some friends, Jane who is a Chinese and Linda who is Australian. They used to be lovers but are now both married with children. I met them through Sue. Even Jane, who is really very gay and has a low view of men- I feel sorry for her husband, told me that I was stupid and sided with John. Linda just made fun of me. By the time I got home I was really depressed. If John hadn't rung the next morning, I would be so down.
This email is ridiculously long, I apologise but hope you find it interesting.
Love
G
Dear John,
I have written a long email to you telling about my trip - when I read it through, I found it quite unreal and almost as if it were someone else's story. I do not know how to explain this feeling of disassociation or how to explain why I did such a silly thing. I hope you will not despise me too much when you read it.
I wonder at how I could act the way I did - I think being in a strange country where no one knew me helped me lose whatever inhibitions I have. Also I wanted to purge my system and I am certain I have done that.
If you want to talk more about it then I am happy to but this is my past and my future lies, I pray, with John. But, to the story of my trip:
Well, it was an eventful 7 or so days - hard to say how many days - much of the time was in the air! 14 hours or so each way.
I found out what a creep my client was - I will tell you about that as I go along but it was an adventure despite that.
I had to get to the airport quite early - John wouldn't take me there although he insisted on picking me up on the way back: just like he would never take me to work but would pick me up from there - said that it was his way of saying that he would like me to quit that work and start something new. I guess it has some logic to it.
I saw the client (Peter) at the airport - he was with his wife and two lovely little daughters. Actually that made me feel bad - they looked so nice.
I thought I would sit with him but he was flying business and I was on economy. It was a long, long, long, long flight (although that does not tell you how long it was). I was sitting next to a fat man who seemed to think that my seat was partly his also - at least that encouraged me to walk about and so avoid DVT!
By the time I arrived in LA I was one GLW (grumpy little wombat - John's expression). It wasn't improved by the fact it took me over an hour to get through immigration. And they were so rude - at one point I thought they were going to send me back - but they didn't.
The heat and pollution did not improve my mood. So, by the time, I caught up with Peter outside, I was in a foul mood - and he complained I had kept him waiting! I asked where we were going - and was put in an even more foul mood when he told me that he was going to stay at a luxury hotel but I was staying at a motel in Orange County.
He then told me the deal - his fantasy was to be a pimp - and he was going to pimp me for a few days until a little "function" he had arranged for Sunday - (I arrived Wednesday morning: confusing - arriving before I set out!) I felt stupid and trapped but there wasn't that much I could do - anyway I was getting paid $2K each day and it's not as though whoring myself was something new.
Apparently he had a friend in LA who had helped set up the whole thing. I was working from a room which was well monitored - so at least I would be safe - and the proprietors were very careful, screening the clients.
I arrived at the "motel" about 3pm and met the reception person - a rather large black man. Peter's hands were all over me as he introduced me as "the hooker from Australia that you were told about". The guy looked me over and seemed satisfied. Peter was getting really turned on by the way he was treating me but the other guy was so used to hookers, all he did was ask a few questions and then showed us to the room.
It was like so many motel rooms - except for the large supply of condoms - after showing me the air-con and explaining the rules of the place - no firearms, no drugs, safe sex only - he left. Peter was so excited that he had to fuck me, calling me a cheap whore as he did and telling me how many men I was going to fuck - it really turned him on to think he was pimping me.
After screwing me, Peter left to go this hotel - I was glad to see the back of him - he was already getting boring. He said he would be back after I "had done my whoring for the night". Somehow I resisted saying anything - never bite the hand that is giving you $2K a day.
After he had gone, the black reception guy - Jim - came back - seems he was a bit worried that I was up to it - said he didn't want trouble and was I sure I could handle all these guys? I laughed and said I do it all the time. Asked him if he wanted me to prove it and he said 'sure" so I sucked him off. After that, he treated me as a friend. He said he was worried because "my boyfriend seemed such a jerk and might have been cheating me - I agreed with "the jerk" bit but not the "boyfriend" bit and explained a bit about what I did in Australia.
Jim then explained that the charge for guys was $100 a half-hour and a $150 an hour. Peter's arrangement was that he would get a quarter, the owners the rest (apparently the owners were happy because usually it was a third to a half for the girl or her "protector" - but probably bargaining was harder for Peter because he was an out-of-towner). Jim also explained "tips" - in the US, girls get tips for doing full-service - the tips were $50-$100). He suggested I hide this from Peter and showed me where there was a safe box for keeping it.
I had about an hour's rest before the first customer. I did 4 the first night - all suck-and-fucks. The customers were pretty unimaginative throughout the time I worked there- a lot of them said how much they liked Asian girls and they all liked oral. Tipped well though - I have about $3000US to show for it.
Peter came about 11pm - asked how many guys - complained about my only doing 4 - said I should work harder, fucked me again and then went off to his hotel, telling me how he would see me each night but had a lot of important business to do in the day - I think I was meant to be impressed. I said "fine" and left it at that.
In the mornings, Jim would knock about 10am to check if I was awake - I had real problems adjusting to the time for Thursday but by Friday I was fine. I encouraged him to fuck me and he did - I actually quite liked him- he liked me back - on Monday when i was leaving, he asked me if i would like to move to LA and live with him - I apologised but said I had a boyfriend back home - he took my boyfriend to be a pimp (don't know that John would like to think of himself as a pimp but I didn't argue with Jim).
I didn't meet many of the other girls - I did meet one black girl called Sheena who called me a "gook". (We did not become friends) There was a white girl, her name was something like Betty-Sue or Mary-Jane - I forget). She seemed pleasant but rather stupid. Most of the girls do not sleep at the "motel" - I was the exception.
Each night about 11pm, Peter came round, fucked me, collected the money from Jim (although he didn't tell me that), paid me my day’s payment and went home. He seemed so excited at selling me and was forever telling me what a slut I was - as if I didn't know! He would cross-examine me about each customer, how many times they fucked me, did I suck them. He was less like a pimp than a voyeur.
The work is a bit blurred in my mind - between 30 and 40 guys in total, but I was more focussed on the "function" as Peter referred to it. On Saturday, before I started work, Peter brought a guy around - I didn't catch his name, although I was told it.
This guy started to ask me whether I was able to cope with a large number of men and if I really wanted a gangbang. When I said yes, he asked to see my HIV test - I had had one just before I left since Peter had asked me to and I have them regularly anyway. He then pulled out a folder with a large number of sheets - each was an HIV test and a photo. He explained that these were the men who were coming tomorrow. I asked why all the tests were from the same place and so recent - he explained that they had a trusted doctor so that no-one could substitute fake AIDs reports. He also assured me that my safety was important and that no harm would be allowed to be inflicted on me. It seemed all so carefully planned.
He told me something of the business - apparently there are a reasonable number of girls who fantasise about a gangbang or have partners that want to see them gangbanged. Five men had set up a business which catered for them and organised this. They had a list of men willing to pay for the chance to join in - and charged about $300 each. There were three sessions during the day - once I agreed, I had to do the first session and they hoped I would do the other two - but had alternatives if I wasn't willing. Peter said that I would do all 3 - I was a "natural whore".
A video of each session would be made for me - they would pay me $1000 per session if I released a copy to them - this was one of the few times Peter and I agreed, we both said no. I don't want any copies floating around to trouble me later and he did not want to be embarrassed in his work. There would also be a photographer - that worried me - but the guy promised that all photos would go to me and I could release only those ones which did not identify me.
He stressed that he wanted repeat business or referrals and wasn't going to play games - I said what about later and he said that he would give me the negatives. I asked why the photos and he said that it was so that I could have a record - also the photos of each guy would be made in a manner that showed them using me but which did not show my face - each guy got a photo as part of the $300. I wasn't happy about it but after a lot of assurances said ok.
He also told me not to wear clothes that I could not bear to lose - although "slutty was good" -and to bring a change of clothes. Then he was off and I started working. I felt really strange that day - very excited but also quite scared. It all seemed quite unreal too. I wondered more than once why I had come here. I also missed John really badly.
Peter came over in the night after I had worked - he was even more turned on that usual - if that is possible - telling me how he was going to see all these dicks inside me - how I was going to be a cumslut - and on and on. I hated him even more than usual. Still I let him fuck me - he came very fast.
I had brought my "streetworker uniform" as I call it - long boots, short black skirt, black stockings and a white rather thin blouse and white frilly panties, suspender and bra. I decided to wear that and to pack my cut-off jeans and another white button up blouse, and another set of white lacy bra and panties - I like white - must be because i am a "pure woman". (joke)
I spent quite a bit of time dressing up - making sure I looked as slutty as possible - if I was going to do it I was going to do it to the full. A car picked me up at about 10am - the driver was polite but smirking a bit. It wasn't far before he pulled into a driveway - it was a rather ordinary looking house but a bit removed from its neighbours.
The driver opened the door to the car and asked me for the bag with my change of clothing and said he would look after it. He then pointed to a door and said I should go in there after ringing the bell first.
I walked up to the door - I was so nervous, rang the bell and walked in. suddenly I was grabbed firmly but not cruelly and pulled into a big room. I saw lots of men but was not able to focus.
The guy who had grabbed me, carried me to a big massage-table-like bed in the centre of the room. Another guy grabbed my legs and I was lifted on to my back on the bed, one guy then tore my blouse off me while the other pulled off my skirt and flung it aside.
He then immediately pushed my legs apart and ripped a hole in the base of my panties. He then started to fuck me through the hole. A third guy came up and put his cock in front of my face and then started to push his cock into my mouth by pulling my hair to guide my head.
I could not have stopped them even if I wanted to - it was like being gang-raped only I had agreed to it and I felt more safe. There was lots of cheering and whistles from the other guys as they watched me being used.
The guy who I was sucking came quite quickly and I almost choked - not long after that the other guy came in my pussy - I had begun! Even as the two who had just cum in me pulled away, two other guys - one being my driver - picked me up off the bed and lowered me to the ground. Underneath was the guy who had "greeted" me at the door. I was being placed into position so that he could enter my ass. Using lube, he managed to push his cock in and then the other two moved into position one in my pussy and one in my mouth.
At that moment I saw the videotaker for the first time. She was a quite young, very pretty girl. Somehow knowing that a woman was watching me being a complete slut turned me on more - don't quite know why -and I began to cum. At the same time the two guys who had originally fucked me came up on either side and put their cocks into my hands. It was done for effect so that there is a very clear shot of me on the video with men inside my pussy, ass and mouth and my hands holding on to two more cocks while my body was shaking with a climax. The camera then pans across the room and catches the other men (including Peter) wanking off at the sight.
I was cumming hard - maybe a release of all the nervous energy from anticipating the day. On the video, I can hear my moans above the shouts and whistles of the guys. Finally the three men came and I had a second load of cum in my mouth and pussy, The guy in my ass also came but was wearing a condom. Usually I dislike anal but that day it seemed right. There was hi-fiving between them as they came and cheering from the crowd.
I realised later that the five who had used me so far were the organisers. Two were black, two white and one Latino. They were very skilled at making it run smoothly.
Almost immediately, one of the organisers stood up - it was the same one who had spoken to me yesterday - and addressed the room. "Hi, you all - welcome today. This slut is Jenny, a little Asian hooker from Australia who has come all this long way to satisfy you. Make sure you use her well and remember she is your fuck toy for today." I waved at the guys and to my complete surprise, they all clapped.
"Now Jenny, you have to introduce yourself to them all."
Introducing myself involved their forming a circle around me of 21 guys including Peter and the 5 organisers and my moving around the circle sucking each dick for about 30 seconds - one guy was so excited he shot his load then and there - I swallowed and licked him clean - he seemed so embarrassed.
When I had finished the circle, I was led back to the bed. I had completely lost my top and bra by this stage and my skirt had gone earlier. My boots had been slid off at some point in the process but I was still wearing my suspenders, stockings - very laddered - and the tatters of my panties. These were removed from me and I lay back on the bed completely naked, my legs spread wide apart. I felt so deliciously slutty lying like that and I said "Well anybody want to fuck this little whore."
I was surprised by how orderly the men were in forming a row. They lined up and came to me 4 at a time. One in the mouth, one in the cunt and one in each hand, rotating around using both holes until they came - when they came they stepped away and the next guy came up.
They were allowed to repeat but after about 2 or 3 rounds all stopped. I was covered in cum all over by this time but was sill asking "No more takers? Come on I still need to be screwed."
But the first session was over, food was offered around and the 15 paying guests said their thanks and headed off. I was taken to a bathroom and I washed myself - most of the cum came off except for a few bits in my hair. I heard the second group of men entering - one of the organisers asked me whether I was ready for a second group and I said "You bet".
I was then introduced to a black woman - really black who called herself Cherise. Apparently the introduction to the second session was a lesbian show between me and her - if I was willing - and then Cherise would help out with the guys also. I was disappointed to share the limelight but said ok, being interested in her black pussy. Cherise told me she was a regular there and also had done a couple of porno movies - I was shown her HIV test also
We started to play with each other a bit before we went into the big room. When we were called in, I was already hot and Cherise was already wet, so we went to the centre of the room and immediately started a full on lesbian love-making scene. It was so good feeling the warmth of her body, her nipples pressing against mine as we kissed and the mutual pussy licking.
Some of the guys loved it but some were clearly restless - particularly one white guy who cried out "I didn't pay all this money to see a couple of lezzo whores - get them to spread their legs and take cock up them like they ought to".
We stopped after about 10 minutes and then the same speech by the organiser as before. Peter was still in the crowd. He had cum in my mouth once earlier. Cherise was introduced as my support and then I had to introduce myself to each man just as before working around the circle. Cherise was also working round the circle and so I felt driven to be even more slutty rubbing my pussy as I sucked and slurping the cocks outrageously.
When I started to suck the white guy who had been complaining loudest, he said to me "Suck it, you bitch". I just continued to suck.
Then back to the beds - there were two this time and guys could queue for either me or Cherise. I had sufficient attention and, over the session, I think every guy fucked me and came with me at least once.
There was only one nasty incident - the white guy continued to be angry and when he was fucking me - just as he was shooting his load into my pussy, he went out of control, shouting "Take it you little Chink whore - all you are good for is white man's cum." and I realised he had raised his fist to hit me - I think he was aiming for the face. Fortunately the guy next to him saw it and grabbed his arm, pushing him back. My pussy was a bit jarred by his cock being pushed out of me as he was pushed back - but nothing serious and the organisers got him out of the place very quickly and none too gently.
Finally the second session ended - I was completely out of control by then walking around the room, flaunting my cum-covered body to everyone -when I watch it on the video, I feel quite embarrassed. At the end, I was licking Cherise's pussy trying to get the cum out of it from the men who has used her.
Again a bit of food and drink, a shower and then an organiser asked me could I do the last session and I told him "Try to stop me" By this time, I was completely driven by an almost frenzy of sexuality. It was like I was having a non-stop orgasm.
The third session stated with two shows - Cherise being fucked by two of the organisers - the two whites - and me by the others. The show was well received by the audience. This time, the three guys switched around so that everyone used each hole. After that, the same speech and it went similarly except that I was in a cock-frenzy and quite crazily begging men to give me their cum.
I heard one of the organisers say to another "That Chinese girl is a complete slut" and that made me even more excited. I was saying between cocks - come on use this little cumslut" and "fuck me, fuck me" all the time.
Finally it all came to an end, the paying guests left. The video-taker turned off the camera and went to get paid. She then gave me three tapes - one for each session. I kissed her and to my surprise she asked if she could see me tomorrow morning before I flew out - I said I was happy to.
The photographer - who had been very discreet throughout, went home - he said he would give me the photos and negatives the following day.
After that Cherise, the organisers, Peter and myself sat around talking for a while. I was still quite high and excited but tiredness was beginning to settle in. Cherise asked if I was really a hooker and I said yes - told her about the massage parlour. She asked if I had ever walked the streets and I said no. She told me how she had been a streetwalker in Hollywood before. Peter said that I should turn tricks there tonight.
Cherise started shouting at him telling him he was a "fuckwit" and that I wouldn't last a minute out there. It was turning quite nasty with Peter saying "I am paying her - she will do what I say" and the other men siding with Cherise. At that point, I told Peter to get stuffed and he said - "ok don't bother but don't expect to be paid". I said nothing because I knew that I would get the money and I was too tired to fight. Cherise swore at him but I just told her "Don't worry, he will pay". I think they were surprised by the toughness in my voice.
Peter and I were driven back to my motel and the others went home - it was already about 1am. Peter stayed and wanted to fuck me. I was furious at him but finally, too tired to argue, I let him do it and then he went off to his hotel by taxi.
The next day was my last in LA - I I was to fly out in the evening. The video-girl, Susie, called round very early and told me how much she admired me - I was surprised but she insisted that she liked the way I lived life to the full. She said she is coming to Sydney in two month's time and asked if we could catch up. I gave her my mobile number and explained that I might be moving in with my boyfriend. She asked if I liked girls too - you know the answer to that. When the photographer came round, Susie and I were in bed together. He didn't seem very surprised.
I didn't bother to dress for him - after all he had seen me fully yesterday. Susie was embarrassed at first but later got out of bed and helped me go through the photos. We were kissing and touching each other in front of the photographer who is, Susie told me, gay.
After he had gone, Susie and I made love until she had to head off.
After that, it was all good-byes. Cherise called and asked if I had got paid - I explained he had paid half up front and had given me $1K each day so that at worst I was $2K out of pocket but I suspected that he would pay up so as to avoid trouble back home. She laughed - said it was fun working with me and if i ever wanted to do porno, give her a call.
Also one of the gang-bang organisers called offering me a job - "you're a natural" he said. I said thanks and I would think about it. He also told me I should lose that "boyfriend" - they had paid him $1K which was my "appearance fee" and they reckoned he was cheating me. I was more insulted that everyone called him my "boyfriend".
I also said good-bye to Jim and that is when he asked me to move in with him.
Then it was off to the airport - Peter picked me up on time and we arrived with plenty of time in hand. He was very pleasant to me and gave me my last instalment of $2K - he seemed to have completely forgotten what he had said yesterday- and said he hoped we would catch up soon. I was non-committal but really glad to be done with him.
The flight home was long but not so bad - the seat next to me was empty and I stretched out and slept. I set out Monday but arrived on Wednesday. I miss that Tuesday!
John was waiting at the terminal and took me straight home - on the way, I shot off my mouth and really upset him as I told you. Since then, I have made up - I am at his place waiting for him to come back. I could not watch the videos at my place because it is American format but John's VCR supports American format also so I have seen them today and have been half watching them as I type this letter.
Was my trip interesting? Yes. Would I do it again? No way!! I have gone as far as I want to along that line. Also for so much of my trip, my mind was on John. Even at my most depraved, I was missing him. What I wrote above is the events but the thought of John was my biggest support. After the last few days, I know how stupid I was - I should not have gone, John is worth much more than any of the things that I did. If I missed them, so what? If I lose John, I have wasted my best chance for happiness.
Last Saturday, I went out with some friends, Jane who is a Chinese and Linda who is Australian. They used to be lovers but are now both married with children. I met them through Sue. Even Jane, who is really very gay and has a low view of men- I feel sorry for her husband, told me that I was stupid and sided with John. Linda just made fun of me. By the time I got home I was really depressed. If John hadn't rung the next morning, I would be so down.
This email is ridiculously long, I apologise but hope you find it interesting.
Love
G
Friday, November 20, 2009
Briefly
Savita has decided to move in tomorrow – she will stay with her parents on Saturdays, coming back on Sunday to stay the rest of week with me.
John has partitioned off a bit of the lounge room so that he has a bedroom – I am very unhappy about this because he should have the room that my sister is using. I have to tread a bit carefully here.
Back at work - still not enjoying it much but not nearly as bad as the first few days – but determined to keep at it a while.
John has partitioned off a bit of the lounge room so that he has a bedroom – I am very unhappy about this because he should have the room that my sister is using. I have to tread a bit carefully here.
Back at work - still not enjoying it much but not nearly as bad as the first few days – but determined to keep at it a while.
John Talks, Then Walks?
We had our catch-up and it is, I think, a good thing we did. Quite a bit was unearthed or at least made open. I am fortunate to have friends and family who do not mind speaking honestly.
As Sue predicted, Lisa insisted on coming. So their little daughter was there in her car capsule –she slept most of the time but did create a couple of interruptions as she demanded attention or feeding and Lisa or Sue settled her but I am just so glad Lisa came – she was really strong force to open up issues – she was in an incredibly feisty mood – maybe due to the post-natal hormones and also lack of sleep - but this just resulted in her putting her views more forcefully. In fact, she was more outspoken than Sue who was happy to let Lisa push their views.
It started with John thanking us all for the care we had shown. At first he had been a bit uncomfortable with the attention of us but he said he knew we all meant well and that he had to respond. He apologised for worrying us and stressed that he was ok.
I immediately said “And how often have I worried you? John, don’t apologise – you have been there for all of us so often –you must be able to tell us if you’re upset- I know I want to know and I am pretty sure Sue and Lisa feel the same.” Sue and Lisa both agreed fervently.
He said that since we had asked questions, he should explain a bit about what he felt. He said he found it hard to talk about his own feelings and so asked us to be patient.
First, he said that work was not fun at all but there was not much he could do about it. He wasn’t too worried about losing his job since he is good at it but if he did lose it, he could survive although if he lived to 90 he might only be able to afford to eat pet food –he hoped to keep his job for another six months so that he might at least be able to afford premium grade pet food. He said that with such lack of any visual emotion that only I picked up his humour – it is that ability to be so dry about things that is one of the special features I love about him.
Then he admitted that his inability to see his son was getting him down. He had felt something so strong for his little son when he first saw him and it was painful to think he might seldom or never see him again. However, he knew his son was safe and being cared for and that was a consolation. There wasn’t much to do about it but just try to see if Annette relented over time.”
I know I feel furious and Sue and Lisa are intensely angry about what Annette has done. Savita has called Annette a nasty bitch to me but none of us wanted to say much except that Lisa said “John, we understand – I could not imagine being separated from my daughter – it is natural that you feel a deep loss.”
Then, he said “And now the last issue – Savita and Grace – I look at them and I cannot feel angry or bitter – it is just too beautiful how they complement each other. I have been trying to decide what to do.”
“Hold on a second, John”, said Lisa “tell me just why you have to decide anything – Grace has to decide what to do for once in her life instead of pushing everything on to you as she always does – whether she will stay with the best person she could ever have or go off on some goofball chase of some Indian whore.”
“No Lisa”, John replied very firmly. “I know that you mean the best for me and your friendship is speaking but I have to disagree very strongly with you – first you cannot talk about Savita like that – she is warm, genuine and loving – she is honest and upfront. I have watched her with Grace over the week she stayed with us and the depth of communication is much deeper than either of them fully realises. That is why I cannot just leave it as Grace’s decision – I know she has decided she must stay. She told me that – and I know that Savita has not resisted even though I suspect that it is eating her up.”
“Grace is being so loyal”, he continued. “”I know she feels she owes me something and also she is scared of not having my perceived support. The fact is that she has moved beyond me and she does not need me as much as she thinks and she does not owe me so much that she should put her and Savita’s happiness at risk. I want her to choose what she wants and not what she feels duty to do.”
Lisa said nothing but did not look very convinced. She seemed to glare at Savita and me but Savita did not respond.
John returned his main line of reasoning. “So, I see so promising future for you two, Savita and Grace. I could hold on and fight but for what point? Even if I win, no one is happy and I lose. So, I have decided to encourage you to see if you can build a life together. The only thing that saddens me is our daughter – how can I let go and accept that I am to see her less – however good it is for everyone.”
Savita spoke for the first time. “What the fuck, John, Do you think I would let you break with your daughter even a bit? Do you think I could accept that? What kind of bitch do you take me for? I am not an Annette. John, I’ve watched you and Grace and you talk about things and you are great together – you underrate your importance to her - but you and your daughter – no father-daughter relation could be more loving. To interfere with that would poison everything - including my relationship with Grace. I love Grace beyond belief – my body craves her and the joy I feel being with her is so great that even though know I should walk away, I haven’t. But John – if it threatens things between your daughter and you – I must go.”
She was getting more and more emotional as she spoke and was almost in tears by the end. I reached for her but Lisa was there first and put her hand on Savita’s shoulder.
“Savita, maybe I misjudged you – I see why John respects you – you are right that John must not be separated from his daughter but that just means we must find the best solution – and I’m getting a strong sense that you going away is not the best solution. Can I ask a dumb question –in the short run until things get clearer would it be too hard for the three of you to live in the same house?”
Savita said “I shouldn’t move in – it is disruptive.”
John said “It is more disruptive if Grace is missing you.”
“My parents would object.” Savita responded.
“You are old enough – can your parents decide this?”
Lisa said –“You two! What is this - some competition for who is the best person? I sacrifice myself for you and so on… I have to go home some time – get to the point – Grace what do you think?”
“For me, it is just perfect to be with Savita and have John around but I know my convenience may not be the best thing for everyone.”
“O.k. At least I can rely on Grace: she says what she wants. She wants to fuck Savita” said Lisa. “Now I’m going to say something very unpopular – John, you maybe right about Grace and Savita being great together – what do I know- I’m just a hooker. But I do know that Grace’s continual fucking around and stupid drama-queen act have worn you out – you need a relationship with someone more normal and who values you for what you are – the greatest guy I know – but, John, you also need someone even if it is short term – you are lousy on your own.”
“Where are you leading to, Lisa?” Sue asked dubiously.
“I’m leading to the fact that we don’t have that many chances at the moment to talk frankly – and we need to discuss that John needs a fuck-partner if Savita and Grace are fucking together – he can’t be left alone –and John is too shy to easily get one -I know three immediate candidates: there’s Lin – a great fuck and absolutely mad about John but a hooker like Grace and a bit messed up, Annie – sure she’s got a cock but she’s hot for John and sexy – trouble is she’s a hooker too and just as messed up.”
“Who’s the third one?” asked Sue quite anxiously. “You?”
“Oh Sue! I’m fucking married to you – sure I fancy John but I’m not going to throw away all our stuff for him. I don’t fuck around - just trust me!”
“So who is the third one, then?” I asked intrigued.
“Fuck, I’m going to be unpopular if I say – oh what the hell – it’s that little virgin who’s been listening in to us all evening and has the hots for John big time.”
We all turned to face where Lisa was looking and sure enough there was my sister who had been sitting unobtrusively listening in. She went bright red and said “Lisa you can’t say that.”
“Honey, I’m a whore and I talk like this – I can say it and I have.”
I saw that Sue was trying hard to suppress giggles but I was felling very uncomfortable partly for my sister but also for John who I thought was being put on the spot – he is not comfortable with scenes like this.
John said “Lisa! Leave the poor girl alone – she doesn’t need to be teased.”
Lisa suddenly changed tone and spoke very seriously. “O.k. John; maybe I put it badly but here’s the facts. She adores you - she needs to get fucked by someone and you seem the best candidate since she is so horny for you. And for you, you get to fuck a beautiful young virgin who might be the right person for you. I’m deadly serious, John. I have watched a long time you two and I reckon you are pretty good together – both nice people.”
My sister spoke – and I was surprised that she did not even try to deny Lisa’s claims. “Lisa. Don’t tease me. John wants Grace not me. I am not a Grace-substitute. If he asked me to go to bed with him, I would but he isn’t going to because I am not attractive to him. So leave me alone.”
Everyone was staring at John and I knew I had to step in: “Leave off, Lisa I know you mean well but you can’t just organise people’s lives. John needs to make his choices and not be arranged by any of us. It’s time to back off and stop embarrassing both John and my sister.”
My sister looked at John and said “John, I am so sorry to embarrass you. I shouldn’t have said I want to sleep with you.”
John said “I am just so flattered that you said it - how could I not be when a beautiful, attractive girl says something like that– it is only you are Grace’s sister and this makes it very complicated.”
Sue said “John, I know it is not my place to say anything but I think Lisa’s views have a lot of sense in them – don’t dismiss it too quickly.” I actually felt surprisingly jealous about the idea of John fucking my sister even though I know I have no right to be and maybe it makes a degree of sense but I’m unreasonably jealous – and that’s why I must stay out of it and leave it to John and my sister.
I think we were all a bit overwhelmed by Lisa’s pushing. Sue apologised saying “Lisa is in fine form today but we all need sleep”. She said that she was relieved that John was opening up – but could he please come and talk more to them –they were worried about their best friend. They then headed off quite quickly.
So John, my sister, Savita and I sat there awkwardly with Savita finishing up saying that she must go home – John suggested she stay but she said she had promised to be home – so John offered a lift and somewhat to my surprise she accepted it. I offered to drive her but she said “John’s a much better driver!”
Before they set out, John said “Savita, I realise that it may be hard for you but I want to say this in front of Grace – as far as I am concerned I think it would be good if you and Grace are staying together – I can adjust around you in whatever way is helpful – I can stay or move out as you wish. So it is really between Grace and you.”
“I would like Savita to be staying here but that’s totally selfish”, I said.
Savita said “I cannot lie, I have been fantasising about this ever since I met Grace again – but I am scared to so it – I know I will always regret it if I don’t try but I also worry how my parents feel if I move out on them – they like having me at home.”
“Would be better if Grace moved in with you?”
“No, I think my parents would be really uncomfortable.”
“Maybe you don’t move out completely.” I suggested. “You could stay with them 1 or 2 nights but stay the other nights with me.”
“I’ll think about it- Grace, I want it a lot, I promise”
They set out after I extracted a promise that Savita would call me when she got home – I was a bit nervous of what they were saying to each other.
Then I had to face my sister.
She was off the mark immediately with “Well, big sister. Going to lecture me? I know I made a fool of myself and now John hates me.”
“You are a rank amateur at making a fool of yourself – you’re talking to an expert - and John definitely does not hate you – he is just very embarrassed and you can thank Lisa for that.”
“I’m glad she said it – even it looks me look like a fool – I found it is so hard keeping it in.”
“You really like him?”
“Yes. So much.”
“John is great but he is much older than you – 30 years.”
“Yes so when he’s 80. I will be 50 and able to care for him properly."
“That’s a bit of forward planning!”
My sister blushed – “It’s stupid but these last months, I just dream of being with him and I do think the long term – I’m silly.”
“Can you cope with the fact that he likes hookers and has a past – including me.”
“I know all about it. Someone obviously told him I liked him and one day, he just told me why I shouldn’t like him and went through it all – the hookers, transsexuals everything. I think he wanted me to feel repelled but I did not. You think if it Grace – your girlfriend works in an office, does not sleep with men and is not even that active with women, I gather, but she accepts and adores you even though you sleep with anything that moves. At least, John is a wonderfully nice warm person who treats everyone well - so why shouldn’t I been drawn to him even if he is a bit sexually active. He doesn’t lie to me about it.”
Somehow I felt under attack and replied “I don’t lie about it.”
“No, you advertise it – hey, I’m a slut - you should all worship me.”
“What have I done wrong? Why are you so angry at me?”
“I’m not angry – I just get tired that somehow you’re so special. I tell Mum that I like John and she gives me a lecture about how he is your husband and I should stay clear and then she tells me ‘If Grace likes Savita, we must respect her.’ What about me? And you always act like some sort of drama queen – just like Lisa said. I know my life has been easy but sometimes I feel things too - and I am hurting sometimes when I look at John and want him and know that nobody approves and John thinks I’m stupid.”
I was actually shocked – my sister always seems so self-possessed and I had totally failed to see how she was feeling. It made me feel uncomfortable with myself.
“I do wish you would stop saying that John thinks you’re stupid – he doesn’t. But I know him – he’ll be scared of corrupting you. He thinks you are so sweet and he wants the very best for you. But the trouble is, even if you think it is ok to sleep with John, it won’t be good if he feels he is cheating you – you must get him comfortable that you want him and that he is not harming you.”
“So you are ok with me sleeping with him?”
“It doesn’t matter what I feel. What matters is what John and you want. I tell you one thing – it’s not physical attraction that the problem for him. I know he thinks you are exceedingly desirable.”
“Maybe I should go and get a job as a hooker so that John can feel at ease?”
“That’s just silly. Everyone would be absolutely worried about it and it looks too much like you are punishing John for respecting you and not just fucking you.”
“So, what do I do, big sister? How do I get what I want?”
“Why are you asking me? I don’t know.”
“Because, big sister, you always get what you want? You have Savita – you keep John as a back-up and so when you say ‘I don’t know’, you mean’ I don’t care’”.
The anger in my sister’s voice was ominous. “Well, little sister, if I don’t care then I guess I should just tell you to move out – but I do care, it’s just that I think that if I get involved, I just make things more complicated.”
“I don’t want you fucking involved – I want advice. How do I get John to sleep with me and not treat me like a pure and untouchable girl?”
“My advice is that you have to maintain a balance between respecting John’s right to decide and expressing a serious interest in him. Convince him you want to sleep with him and show interest but not too hard. Because he doesn’t say what he wants, it is easy to just do what you want with him. Maybe you can get a fuck out of him this way but to get a relationship then realise he is an intelligent man who needs respect.”
“So, I shouldn’t make a move on him?”
“You better make the move – he won’t – but just don’t force it and treat him as an equal in the move – I think he might make some moves back if you give him confidence and respect.”
“Makes sense – maybe you are not the worst big sister after all.”
“Thanks.”
My sister then went off to have a shower. I was left to think. John said to me when I suggested that my sister had a crush on him, that it was because she had too much time on her hands and no male friends – he said that if she had a job she would drop him in a second. I am not so sure.
Savita called me and said that John had dropped her off and was on the way back. I pushed her on what they discussed and she said that she had asked why he was so keen for her to move in – he said it was because we had known each other 7 years – it was time to act and he thought it would not become easier if she waited. She said he pushed her a bit on when she would decide and she finally admitted that she had already decided she wanted to and John suggested she move in next Sunday and she said she would give an answer. My heart gave a big jump when I heard that. It was so quick but I knew I wanted it. I am hungry to be with her – even though I am back at work, I am not really enjoying it and I long for the intimacy I have built with Savita over the last few weeks.
I babbled with excitement and Savita sensing my delight said “So you really d want it?” “More than I can say. Do you doubt it?” She was silent a second and then said “To be honest I can’t see why you like me better than Sylvie or Wei - I’m not as sexy as them .” “Oh you are! And it’s not just sexy – I feel I can link with you like no one else.” “Thank you, my husband”, she replied.
I fell asleep almost immediately and when I woke I realise John was home and sleeping in the couch. I went out to ask him if he wanted to come to bed.”
He said, “It’s Savita’s and your bed now, Grace.”
I realise I will quite likely never have sex with John again and that was sad for me given all we have been through. Saddest was that our last fuck was that nightmare after my rape – it is so unfitting an end to what has been a passionate sexual relationship. But maybe, it was also fitting in that it was John once again giving me support and love in a way no other man has.
He was right – Savita is my bed-mate now. It is better to face that was our last fuck but I do feel a degree of sadness and a sense of loss that the sexual relationship has ended between John and me although I hope friendship can still be there. I also feel so very guilty about John – I have taken too much from him.
As Sue predicted, Lisa insisted on coming. So their little daughter was there in her car capsule –she slept most of the time but did create a couple of interruptions as she demanded attention or feeding and Lisa or Sue settled her but I am just so glad Lisa came – she was really strong force to open up issues – she was in an incredibly feisty mood – maybe due to the post-natal hormones and also lack of sleep - but this just resulted in her putting her views more forcefully. In fact, she was more outspoken than Sue who was happy to let Lisa push their views.
It started with John thanking us all for the care we had shown. At first he had been a bit uncomfortable with the attention of us but he said he knew we all meant well and that he had to respond. He apologised for worrying us and stressed that he was ok.
I immediately said “And how often have I worried you? John, don’t apologise – you have been there for all of us so often –you must be able to tell us if you’re upset- I know I want to know and I am pretty sure Sue and Lisa feel the same.” Sue and Lisa both agreed fervently.
He said that since we had asked questions, he should explain a bit about what he felt. He said he found it hard to talk about his own feelings and so asked us to be patient.
First, he said that work was not fun at all but there was not much he could do about it. He wasn’t too worried about losing his job since he is good at it but if he did lose it, he could survive although if he lived to 90 he might only be able to afford to eat pet food –he hoped to keep his job for another six months so that he might at least be able to afford premium grade pet food. He said that with such lack of any visual emotion that only I picked up his humour – it is that ability to be so dry about things that is one of the special features I love about him.
Then he admitted that his inability to see his son was getting him down. He had felt something so strong for his little son when he first saw him and it was painful to think he might seldom or never see him again. However, he knew his son was safe and being cared for and that was a consolation. There wasn’t much to do about it but just try to see if Annette relented over time.”
I know I feel furious and Sue and Lisa are intensely angry about what Annette has done. Savita has called Annette a nasty bitch to me but none of us wanted to say much except that Lisa said “John, we understand – I could not imagine being separated from my daughter – it is natural that you feel a deep loss.”
Then, he said “And now the last issue – Savita and Grace – I look at them and I cannot feel angry or bitter – it is just too beautiful how they complement each other. I have been trying to decide what to do.”
“Hold on a second, John”, said Lisa “tell me just why you have to decide anything – Grace has to decide what to do for once in her life instead of pushing everything on to you as she always does – whether she will stay with the best person she could ever have or go off on some goofball chase of some Indian whore.”
“No Lisa”, John replied very firmly. “I know that you mean the best for me and your friendship is speaking but I have to disagree very strongly with you – first you cannot talk about Savita like that – she is warm, genuine and loving – she is honest and upfront. I have watched her with Grace over the week she stayed with us and the depth of communication is much deeper than either of them fully realises. That is why I cannot just leave it as Grace’s decision – I know she has decided she must stay. She told me that – and I know that Savita has not resisted even though I suspect that it is eating her up.”
“Grace is being so loyal”, he continued. “”I know she feels she owes me something and also she is scared of not having my perceived support. The fact is that she has moved beyond me and she does not need me as much as she thinks and she does not owe me so much that she should put her and Savita’s happiness at risk. I want her to choose what she wants and not what she feels duty to do.”
Lisa said nothing but did not look very convinced. She seemed to glare at Savita and me but Savita did not respond.
John returned his main line of reasoning. “So, I see so promising future for you two, Savita and Grace. I could hold on and fight but for what point? Even if I win, no one is happy and I lose. So, I have decided to encourage you to see if you can build a life together. The only thing that saddens me is our daughter – how can I let go and accept that I am to see her less – however good it is for everyone.”
Savita spoke for the first time. “What the fuck, John, Do you think I would let you break with your daughter even a bit? Do you think I could accept that? What kind of bitch do you take me for? I am not an Annette. John, I’ve watched you and Grace and you talk about things and you are great together – you underrate your importance to her - but you and your daughter – no father-daughter relation could be more loving. To interfere with that would poison everything - including my relationship with Grace. I love Grace beyond belief – my body craves her and the joy I feel being with her is so great that even though know I should walk away, I haven’t. But John – if it threatens things between your daughter and you – I must go.”
She was getting more and more emotional as she spoke and was almost in tears by the end. I reached for her but Lisa was there first and put her hand on Savita’s shoulder.
“Savita, maybe I misjudged you – I see why John respects you – you are right that John must not be separated from his daughter but that just means we must find the best solution – and I’m getting a strong sense that you going away is not the best solution. Can I ask a dumb question –in the short run until things get clearer would it be too hard for the three of you to live in the same house?”
Savita said “I shouldn’t move in – it is disruptive.”
John said “It is more disruptive if Grace is missing you.”
“My parents would object.” Savita responded.
“You are old enough – can your parents decide this?”
Lisa said –“You two! What is this - some competition for who is the best person? I sacrifice myself for you and so on… I have to go home some time – get to the point – Grace what do you think?”
“For me, it is just perfect to be with Savita and have John around but I know my convenience may not be the best thing for everyone.”
“O.k. At least I can rely on Grace: she says what she wants. She wants to fuck Savita” said Lisa. “Now I’m going to say something very unpopular – John, you maybe right about Grace and Savita being great together – what do I know- I’m just a hooker. But I do know that Grace’s continual fucking around and stupid drama-queen act have worn you out – you need a relationship with someone more normal and who values you for what you are – the greatest guy I know – but, John, you also need someone even if it is short term – you are lousy on your own.”
“Where are you leading to, Lisa?” Sue asked dubiously.
“I’m leading to the fact that we don’t have that many chances at the moment to talk frankly – and we need to discuss that John needs a fuck-partner if Savita and Grace are fucking together – he can’t be left alone –and John is too shy to easily get one -I know three immediate candidates: there’s Lin – a great fuck and absolutely mad about John but a hooker like Grace and a bit messed up, Annie – sure she’s got a cock but she’s hot for John and sexy – trouble is she’s a hooker too and just as messed up.”
“Who’s the third one?” asked Sue quite anxiously. “You?”
“Oh Sue! I’m fucking married to you – sure I fancy John but I’m not going to throw away all our stuff for him. I don’t fuck around - just trust me!”
“So who is the third one, then?” I asked intrigued.
“Fuck, I’m going to be unpopular if I say – oh what the hell – it’s that little virgin who’s been listening in to us all evening and has the hots for John big time.”
We all turned to face where Lisa was looking and sure enough there was my sister who had been sitting unobtrusively listening in. She went bright red and said “Lisa you can’t say that.”
“Honey, I’m a whore and I talk like this – I can say it and I have.”
I saw that Sue was trying hard to suppress giggles but I was felling very uncomfortable partly for my sister but also for John who I thought was being put on the spot – he is not comfortable with scenes like this.
John said “Lisa! Leave the poor girl alone – she doesn’t need to be teased.”
Lisa suddenly changed tone and spoke very seriously. “O.k. John; maybe I put it badly but here’s the facts. She adores you - she needs to get fucked by someone and you seem the best candidate since she is so horny for you. And for you, you get to fuck a beautiful young virgin who might be the right person for you. I’m deadly serious, John. I have watched a long time you two and I reckon you are pretty good together – both nice people.”
My sister spoke – and I was surprised that she did not even try to deny Lisa’s claims. “Lisa. Don’t tease me. John wants Grace not me. I am not a Grace-substitute. If he asked me to go to bed with him, I would but he isn’t going to because I am not attractive to him. So leave me alone.”
Everyone was staring at John and I knew I had to step in: “Leave off, Lisa I know you mean well but you can’t just organise people’s lives. John needs to make his choices and not be arranged by any of us. It’s time to back off and stop embarrassing both John and my sister.”
My sister looked at John and said “John, I am so sorry to embarrass you. I shouldn’t have said I want to sleep with you.”
John said “I am just so flattered that you said it - how could I not be when a beautiful, attractive girl says something like that– it is only you are Grace’s sister and this makes it very complicated.”
Sue said “John, I know it is not my place to say anything but I think Lisa’s views have a lot of sense in them – don’t dismiss it too quickly.” I actually felt surprisingly jealous about the idea of John fucking my sister even though I know I have no right to be and maybe it makes a degree of sense but I’m unreasonably jealous – and that’s why I must stay out of it and leave it to John and my sister.
I think we were all a bit overwhelmed by Lisa’s pushing. Sue apologised saying “Lisa is in fine form today but we all need sleep”. She said that she was relieved that John was opening up – but could he please come and talk more to them –they were worried about their best friend. They then headed off quite quickly.
So John, my sister, Savita and I sat there awkwardly with Savita finishing up saying that she must go home – John suggested she stay but she said she had promised to be home – so John offered a lift and somewhat to my surprise she accepted it. I offered to drive her but she said “John’s a much better driver!”
Before they set out, John said “Savita, I realise that it may be hard for you but I want to say this in front of Grace – as far as I am concerned I think it would be good if you and Grace are staying together – I can adjust around you in whatever way is helpful – I can stay or move out as you wish. So it is really between Grace and you.”
“I would like Savita to be staying here but that’s totally selfish”, I said.
Savita said “I cannot lie, I have been fantasising about this ever since I met Grace again – but I am scared to so it – I know I will always regret it if I don’t try but I also worry how my parents feel if I move out on them – they like having me at home.”
“Would be better if Grace moved in with you?”
“No, I think my parents would be really uncomfortable.”
“Maybe you don’t move out completely.” I suggested. “You could stay with them 1 or 2 nights but stay the other nights with me.”
“I’ll think about it- Grace, I want it a lot, I promise”
They set out after I extracted a promise that Savita would call me when she got home – I was a bit nervous of what they were saying to each other.
Then I had to face my sister.
She was off the mark immediately with “Well, big sister. Going to lecture me? I know I made a fool of myself and now John hates me.”
“You are a rank amateur at making a fool of yourself – you’re talking to an expert - and John definitely does not hate you – he is just very embarrassed and you can thank Lisa for that.”
“I’m glad she said it – even it looks me look like a fool – I found it is so hard keeping it in.”
“You really like him?”
“Yes. So much.”
“John is great but he is much older than you – 30 years.”
“Yes so when he’s 80. I will be 50 and able to care for him properly."
“That’s a bit of forward planning!”
My sister blushed – “It’s stupid but these last months, I just dream of being with him and I do think the long term – I’m silly.”
“Can you cope with the fact that he likes hookers and has a past – including me.”
“I know all about it. Someone obviously told him I liked him and one day, he just told me why I shouldn’t like him and went through it all – the hookers, transsexuals everything. I think he wanted me to feel repelled but I did not. You think if it Grace – your girlfriend works in an office, does not sleep with men and is not even that active with women, I gather, but she accepts and adores you even though you sleep with anything that moves. At least, John is a wonderfully nice warm person who treats everyone well - so why shouldn’t I been drawn to him even if he is a bit sexually active. He doesn’t lie to me about it.”
Somehow I felt under attack and replied “I don’t lie about it.”
“No, you advertise it – hey, I’m a slut - you should all worship me.”
“What have I done wrong? Why are you so angry at me?”
“I’m not angry – I just get tired that somehow you’re so special. I tell Mum that I like John and she gives me a lecture about how he is your husband and I should stay clear and then she tells me ‘If Grace likes Savita, we must respect her.’ What about me? And you always act like some sort of drama queen – just like Lisa said. I know my life has been easy but sometimes I feel things too - and I am hurting sometimes when I look at John and want him and know that nobody approves and John thinks I’m stupid.”
I was actually shocked – my sister always seems so self-possessed and I had totally failed to see how she was feeling. It made me feel uncomfortable with myself.
“I do wish you would stop saying that John thinks you’re stupid – he doesn’t. But I know him – he’ll be scared of corrupting you. He thinks you are so sweet and he wants the very best for you. But the trouble is, even if you think it is ok to sleep with John, it won’t be good if he feels he is cheating you – you must get him comfortable that you want him and that he is not harming you.”
“So you are ok with me sleeping with him?”
“It doesn’t matter what I feel. What matters is what John and you want. I tell you one thing – it’s not physical attraction that the problem for him. I know he thinks you are exceedingly desirable.”
“Maybe I should go and get a job as a hooker so that John can feel at ease?”
“That’s just silly. Everyone would be absolutely worried about it and it looks too much like you are punishing John for respecting you and not just fucking you.”
“So, what do I do, big sister? How do I get what I want?”
“Why are you asking me? I don’t know.”
“Because, big sister, you always get what you want? You have Savita – you keep John as a back-up and so when you say ‘I don’t know’, you mean’ I don’t care’”.
The anger in my sister’s voice was ominous. “Well, little sister, if I don’t care then I guess I should just tell you to move out – but I do care, it’s just that I think that if I get involved, I just make things more complicated.”
“I don’t want you fucking involved – I want advice. How do I get John to sleep with me and not treat me like a pure and untouchable girl?”
“My advice is that you have to maintain a balance between respecting John’s right to decide and expressing a serious interest in him. Convince him you want to sleep with him and show interest but not too hard. Because he doesn’t say what he wants, it is easy to just do what you want with him. Maybe you can get a fuck out of him this way but to get a relationship then realise he is an intelligent man who needs respect.”
“So, I shouldn’t make a move on him?”
“You better make the move – he won’t – but just don’t force it and treat him as an equal in the move – I think he might make some moves back if you give him confidence and respect.”
“Makes sense – maybe you are not the worst big sister after all.”
“Thanks.”
My sister then went off to have a shower. I was left to think. John said to me when I suggested that my sister had a crush on him, that it was because she had too much time on her hands and no male friends – he said that if she had a job she would drop him in a second. I am not so sure.
Savita called me and said that John had dropped her off and was on the way back. I pushed her on what they discussed and she said that she had asked why he was so keen for her to move in – he said it was because we had known each other 7 years – it was time to act and he thought it would not become easier if she waited. She said he pushed her a bit on when she would decide and she finally admitted that she had already decided she wanted to and John suggested she move in next Sunday and she said she would give an answer. My heart gave a big jump when I heard that. It was so quick but I knew I wanted it. I am hungry to be with her – even though I am back at work, I am not really enjoying it and I long for the intimacy I have built with Savita over the last few weeks.
I babbled with excitement and Savita sensing my delight said “So you really d want it?” “More than I can say. Do you doubt it?” She was silent a second and then said “To be honest I can’t see why you like me better than Sylvie or Wei - I’m not as sexy as them .” “Oh you are! And it’s not just sexy – I feel I can link with you like no one else.” “Thank you, my husband”, she replied.
I fell asleep almost immediately and when I woke I realise John was home and sleeping in the couch. I went out to ask him if he wanted to come to bed.”
He said, “It’s Savita’s and your bed now, Grace.”
I realise I will quite likely never have sex with John again and that was sad for me given all we have been through. Saddest was that our last fuck was that nightmare after my rape – it is so unfitting an end to what has been a passionate sexual relationship. But maybe, it was also fitting in that it was John once again giving me support and love in a way no other man has.
He was right – Savita is my bed-mate now. It is better to face that was our last fuck but I do feel a degree of sadness and a sense of loss that the sexual relationship has ended between John and me although I hope friendship can still be there. I also feel so very guilty about John – I have taken too much from him.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
John's Response
John has read my last blog – Sue sent it to him, rang him up and told him to - and he told me that he was “flattered” by our concern. Rather than responding to each of us separately, he thought he should explain himself to Sue and me at one go and suggested we have a catch-up. He said that probably Lisa would be too tied up with her daughter.
He said however before this he would talk briefly with me because I was so worried. He admitted that he was stretched by work. Also there were some things that were on his mind and his son was certainly one of them. He said that he wanted to talk about Savita but would prefer to do it when she was there.
I told him that I had learnt from my stupidity with Anna and I would never abandon him – I had learnt his value to me in so many ways and that although Savita was wonderful, my relationship with him was long and deep– he should not lose sight of it.
He surprised me so much then by saying. “Let’s get this clear, Grace, Savita is not Anna – she is a clever genuine person who loves you and with whom you are building emotional ties deeper than I think you realise. Anna was selfish and manipulative, seeking to use you – yes, Anna was turned on and attracted by you but she never respected you. Savita is a warm person who respects you so deeply and is so concerned to care for you. It is not as easy as saying I won’t make the same mistake because, Grace, I always thought that Anna was a mistake and I warned you that – with Savita I have a horrible feeling that the mistake would be to walk away. With Anna I was angry with you and very hurt. With Savita I have watched her pull you round from the rape and my initial impressions from what you had told me were confirmed. She is an exceptionally strong and loving person. That is what makes it harder and why I have been thinking so much. That is why if she doesn’t mind – and it is a rather unreasonable demand – I would like her to come to this catch-up.”
“I will ask her and I think she will come. I haven’t said this before, John, because I have been reluctant to throw her in your face but I have talked quite a bit about you with her and she has the deepest respect for you – when I mentioned depression she googled it and asked me question after question. She told me that my obligations to you are such that she will not accept me if I am hurting you in any way – she says from the blog and what we have discussed, she has realised that you deserve my total loyalty – it is this that confirmed my belief that I have to be with you.”
“Let’s leave that until we are all together, I am not convinced she is right but I know she is basically good-willed which is why I ask you never to put Anna and Savita together in comparisons. But, Grace, the only other thing I am going to say now is that I am o.k. – not the happiest I have been – but o.k. I am not suicidal or anything near that."
I heard that and I believe him – he is completely rational and clear – but even so, I think a conversation is a good idea. I rang Sue and Savita and we have set up a get-together for tomorrow. Savita said that her coming if he wanted was not at all an unreasonable demand given he had been so good to her in letting her stay after my rape. Sue said she was so keen too hear what John said – she and Lisa are so concerned that he is ok. Her only comment was that it would be hard to stop Lisa coming.
He said however before this he would talk briefly with me because I was so worried. He admitted that he was stretched by work. Also there were some things that were on his mind and his son was certainly one of them. He said that he wanted to talk about Savita but would prefer to do it when she was there.
I told him that I had learnt from my stupidity with Anna and I would never abandon him – I had learnt his value to me in so many ways and that although Savita was wonderful, my relationship with him was long and deep– he should not lose sight of it.
He surprised me so much then by saying. “Let’s get this clear, Grace, Savita is not Anna – she is a clever genuine person who loves you and with whom you are building emotional ties deeper than I think you realise. Anna was selfish and manipulative, seeking to use you – yes, Anna was turned on and attracted by you but she never respected you. Savita is a warm person who respects you so deeply and is so concerned to care for you. It is not as easy as saying I won’t make the same mistake because, Grace, I always thought that Anna was a mistake and I warned you that – with Savita I have a horrible feeling that the mistake would be to walk away. With Anna I was angry with you and very hurt. With Savita I have watched her pull you round from the rape and my initial impressions from what you had told me were confirmed. She is an exceptionally strong and loving person. That is what makes it harder and why I have been thinking so much. That is why if she doesn’t mind – and it is a rather unreasonable demand – I would like her to come to this catch-up.”
“I will ask her and I think she will come. I haven’t said this before, John, because I have been reluctant to throw her in your face but I have talked quite a bit about you with her and she has the deepest respect for you – when I mentioned depression she googled it and asked me question after question. She told me that my obligations to you are such that she will not accept me if I am hurting you in any way – she says from the blog and what we have discussed, she has realised that you deserve my total loyalty – it is this that confirmed my belief that I have to be with you.”
“Let’s leave that until we are all together, I am not convinced she is right but I know she is basically good-willed which is why I ask you never to put Anna and Savita together in comparisons. But, Grace, the only other thing I am going to say now is that I am o.k. – not the happiest I have been – but o.k. I am not suicidal or anything near that."
I heard that and I believe him – he is completely rational and clear – but even so, I think a conversation is a good idea. I rang Sue and Savita and we have set up a get-together for tomorrow. Savita said that her coming if he wanted was not at all an unreasonable demand given he had been so good to her in letting her stay after my rape. Sue said she was so keen too hear what John said – she and Lisa are so concerned that he is ok. Her only comment was that it would be hard to stop Lisa coming.
John
John has read my last blog – Sue sent it to him, rang him up and told him to - and he told me that he was “flattered” by our concern. Rather than responding to each of us separately, he thought he should explain himself to Sue and me at one go and suggested we have a catch-up. He said that probably Lisa would be too tied up with her daughter.
He said however before this he would talk briefly with me because I was so worried. He admitted that he was stretched by work. Also there were some things that were on his mind and his son was certainly one of them. He said that he wanted to talk about Savita but would prefer to do it when she was there.
I told him that I had learnt from my stupidity with Anna and I would never abandon him – I had learnt his value to me in so many ways and that although Savita was wonderful, my relationship with him was long and deep– he should not lose sight of it.
He surprised me so much then by saying. “Let’s get this clear, Grace, Savita is not Anna – she is a clever genuine person who loves you and with whom you are building emotional ties deeper than I think you realise. Anna was selfish and manipulative, seeking to use you – yes, Anna was turned on and attracted by you but she never respected you. Savita is a warm person who respects you so deeply and is so concerned to care for you. It is not as easy as saying I won’t make the same mistake because, Grace, I always thought that Anna was a mistake and I warned you that – with Savita I have a horrible feeling that the mistake would be to walk away. With Anna I was angry with you and very hurt. With Savita I have watched her pull you round from the rape and my initial impressions from what you had told me were confirmed. She is an exceptionally strong and loving person. That is what makes it harder and why I have been thinking so much. That is why if she doesn’t mind – and it is a rather unreasonable demand – I would like her to come to this catch-up.”
“I will ask her and I think she will come. I haven’t said this before, John, because I have been reluctant to throw her in your face but I have talked quite a bit about you with her and she has the deepest respect for you – when I mentioned depression she googled it and asked me question after question. She told me that my obligations to you are such that she will not accept me if I am hurting you in any way – she says from the blog and what we have discussed, she has realised that you deserve my total loyalty – it is this that confirmed my belief that I have to be with you.”
“Let’s leave that until we are all together, I am not convinced she is right but I know she is basically good-willed which is why I ask you never to put Anna and Savita together in comparisons. But, Grace, the only other thing I am going to say now is that I am o.k. – not the happiest I have been – but o.k. I am not suicidal or anything near that. “
I heard that and I believe him – he is completely rational and clear – but even so, I think a conversation is a good idea. I rang Sue and Savita and we have set up a get-together for tomorrow. Savita said that her coming if he wanted was not at all an unreasonable demand given he had been so good to her in letting her stay after my rape. Sue said she was so keen too hear what John said – she and Lisa are so concerned that he is ok. Her only comment was that it would be hard to stop Lisa coming.
He said however before this he would talk briefly with me because I was so worried. He admitted that he was stretched by work. Also there were some things that were on his mind and his son was certainly one of them. He said that he wanted to talk about Savita but would prefer to do it when she was there.
I told him that I had learnt from my stupidity with Anna and I would never abandon him – I had learnt his value to me in so many ways and that although Savita was wonderful, my relationship with him was long and deep– he should not lose sight of it.
He surprised me so much then by saying. “Let’s get this clear, Grace, Savita is not Anna – she is a clever genuine person who loves you and with whom you are building emotional ties deeper than I think you realise. Anna was selfish and manipulative, seeking to use you – yes, Anna was turned on and attracted by you but she never respected you. Savita is a warm person who respects you so deeply and is so concerned to care for you. It is not as easy as saying I won’t make the same mistake because, Grace, I always thought that Anna was a mistake and I warned you that – with Savita I have a horrible feeling that the mistake would be to walk away. With Anna I was angry with you and very hurt. With Savita I have watched her pull you round from the rape and my initial impressions from what you had told me were confirmed. She is an exceptionally strong and loving person. That is what makes it harder and why I have been thinking so much. That is why if she doesn’t mind – and it is a rather unreasonable demand – I would like her to come to this catch-up.”
“I will ask her and I think she will come. I haven’t said this before, John, because I have been reluctant to throw her in your face but I have talked quite a bit about you with her and she has the deepest respect for you – when I mentioned depression she googled it and asked me question after question. She told me that my obligations to you are such that she will not accept me if I am hurting you in any way – she says from the blog and what we have discussed, she has realised that you deserve my total loyalty – it is this that confirmed my belief that I have to be with you.”
“Let’s leave that until we are all together, I am not convinced she is right but I know she is basically good-willed which is why I ask you never to put Anna and Savita together in comparisons. But, Grace, the only other thing I am going to say now is that I am o.k. – not the happiest I have been – but o.k. I am not suicidal or anything near that. “
I heard that and I believe him – he is completely rational and clear – but even so, I think a conversation is a good idea. I rang Sue and Savita and we have set up a get-together for tomorrow. Savita said that her coming if he wanted was not at all an unreasonable demand given he had been so good to her in letting her stay after my rape. Sue said she was so keen too hear what John said – she and Lisa are so concerned that he is ok. Her only comment was that it would be hard to stop Lisa coming.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Black Days
I have been forced to put the issues of the last weeks to the side a bit because something very important has come up.
On the whole I am a reasonably happy person I think, especially nowadays with such a wonderful group of family and friends. There are, however, still days when the world seems grim and my life futile. On those days, I look at myself and see a stupid young woman who can only fuck around pointlessly and, I wonder why I bother and when will my friends see me for what I am and abandon me. After my rape I have felt this more than for a long time but the support of my friends has been phenomenal and has held the thoughts at bay.
It is not rational thinking since I ignore the positives and find hopelessness in anything I look at. It is hard to describe the feeling and for me it seems to be related to the time of month but it is very destructive and years ago before I was living with John this feeling of despair was so overwhelming that I almost gave up on life completely. Fortunately I always pulled out of the mood. After living with John, he has always reached out and been a lifeline for me and even on my blackest days I have never been too close to giving up. What I have learnt is how dangerous depression can be and I understand at least partially how the “black dog” could destroy a sufferer even to the extent of taking their life.
Those who say that “he or she should pull himself or herself together” are also dangerous because they trivialise part of the human condition and apply a simplistic view to a highly vulnerable part of human frailty – often to the point that a depression sufferer is driven away and deeper into themselves when everyone should be reaching out to them to help them out. Being strong and pulling yourself out of it are not always the way of solving problems – sometimes it is ok to lean on others. It is not surprising that men suffer more since they are not allowed by our society to discuss and show their weakness. “Idle chatter” has been so often a saviour for me.
But I want to tread carefully. I am not an expert on depression and I do not want to give advice on how to treat the problem.
So why am I raising it? It is simply because the problem has been forced upon me alarmingly but not definitely. Essentially Sue and I are really worried about John – he has moved totally within himself and he is less bright and cheerful than at any time I have known him, he seems worn down by work and life and he is less communicative.
I had noticed he was down but it was Sue who focussed me. Sue said she was reluctant to raise it with me because of recent events but she said she was getting very worried it was much more than just being tired and she asked about depression. She said she thought I would never forgive her if she did not raise her worries and something went wrong.
She was careful to make it clear she trusted me completely and wanted to discuss this because she thought that John was – possibly for the first time in his life – completely overwhelmed and very down. We know his work is pressured – lots of internal politics and John is just too decent to be good at back-stabbing. Home is also stressful with my rape and Annette’s actions– Savita’s presence and the related complications have not helped – surprisingly Sue who is my worst (i.e. most honest) critic made it very clear that she was not blaming me.
Sue emphasised Annette’s attacks and the loss of contact with his little boy and the impact on John given his innate sense of respect and good intentions towards others. She is very angry about this and I tend to agree with her but I am not sure yet how to deal with it. Also I cannot hide from my sense of having contributed far too much to the stress upon him.
Both Sue and I have tried talking to John – but he changes the subject. As always, he does not want to trouble others. Lisa has also tried talking, given she is also very fond of John, but with no more success. John maintains he is o.k. and he is just tired. That may be true but he is clearly down, less certain of himself and struggling to maintain a happy face. He is not himself – he is still marvellous but looks almost defeated.
He is still the greatest dad possible to his daughter but even there I have seen levels of irritation and sharp words when she misbehaves that do not match his natural warmth. I also know that when he speaks sharply to our daughter, he feels very guilty afterwards – she on the other hand happily sails through the harsh words knowing that her daddy loves her and she can trust him 100% on anything. Sometimes I think our daughter’s apparent indifference to Daddy’s words makes him feel he is not that important to her but I know just how much she waits for him to come home and how much she wants cuddles from him – he is a central point of her life.
I know John is very likely to read this and part (if not all) of the reason for writing is to confront him and remind him that Sue, Lisa and I all want to help in any way we can. We all respect him deeply and have all received his help so often – if he is down, he does not have to just cope with it – he can talk about it to any of us. For me, personally, I owe so much to him that see him down makes me feel ashamed about my not being a better support to him.
The importance I place upon John means that I have broken away from my usual approach to this blog – I write it and then let others read when I have published on-line –and this time I had Sue carefully read this before I publish – I want to be careful not to aggravate the situation and also not to say something silly. I believe Lisa also looked at it. The idiotic style and any bad grammar or spelling are mine – the warm wishes and deep care come from all three.
On the whole I am a reasonably happy person I think, especially nowadays with such a wonderful group of family and friends. There are, however, still days when the world seems grim and my life futile. On those days, I look at myself and see a stupid young woman who can only fuck around pointlessly and, I wonder why I bother and when will my friends see me for what I am and abandon me. After my rape I have felt this more than for a long time but the support of my friends has been phenomenal and has held the thoughts at bay.
It is not rational thinking since I ignore the positives and find hopelessness in anything I look at. It is hard to describe the feeling and for me it seems to be related to the time of month but it is very destructive and years ago before I was living with John this feeling of despair was so overwhelming that I almost gave up on life completely. Fortunately I always pulled out of the mood. After living with John, he has always reached out and been a lifeline for me and even on my blackest days I have never been too close to giving up. What I have learnt is how dangerous depression can be and I understand at least partially how the “black dog” could destroy a sufferer even to the extent of taking their life.
Those who say that “he or she should pull himself or herself together” are also dangerous because they trivialise part of the human condition and apply a simplistic view to a highly vulnerable part of human frailty – often to the point that a depression sufferer is driven away and deeper into themselves when everyone should be reaching out to them to help them out. Being strong and pulling yourself out of it are not always the way of solving problems – sometimes it is ok to lean on others. It is not surprising that men suffer more since they are not allowed by our society to discuss and show their weakness. “Idle chatter” has been so often a saviour for me.
But I want to tread carefully. I am not an expert on depression and I do not want to give advice on how to treat the problem.
So why am I raising it? It is simply because the problem has been forced upon me alarmingly but not definitely. Essentially Sue and I are really worried about John – he has moved totally within himself and he is less bright and cheerful than at any time I have known him, he seems worn down by work and life and he is less communicative.
I had noticed he was down but it was Sue who focussed me. Sue said she was reluctant to raise it with me because of recent events but she said she was getting very worried it was much more than just being tired and she asked about depression. She said she thought I would never forgive her if she did not raise her worries and something went wrong.
She was careful to make it clear she trusted me completely and wanted to discuss this because she thought that John was – possibly for the first time in his life – completely overwhelmed and very down. We know his work is pressured – lots of internal politics and John is just too decent to be good at back-stabbing. Home is also stressful with my rape and Annette’s actions– Savita’s presence and the related complications have not helped – surprisingly Sue who is my worst (i.e. most honest) critic made it very clear that she was not blaming me.
Sue emphasised Annette’s attacks and the loss of contact with his little boy and the impact on John given his innate sense of respect and good intentions towards others. She is very angry about this and I tend to agree with her but I am not sure yet how to deal with it. Also I cannot hide from my sense of having contributed far too much to the stress upon him.
Both Sue and I have tried talking to John – but he changes the subject. As always, he does not want to trouble others. Lisa has also tried talking, given she is also very fond of John, but with no more success. John maintains he is o.k. and he is just tired. That may be true but he is clearly down, less certain of himself and struggling to maintain a happy face. He is not himself – he is still marvellous but looks almost defeated.
He is still the greatest dad possible to his daughter but even there I have seen levels of irritation and sharp words when she misbehaves that do not match his natural warmth. I also know that when he speaks sharply to our daughter, he feels very guilty afterwards – she on the other hand happily sails through the harsh words knowing that her daddy loves her and she can trust him 100% on anything. Sometimes I think our daughter’s apparent indifference to Daddy’s words makes him feel he is not that important to her but I know just how much she waits for him to come home and how much she wants cuddles from him – he is a central point of her life.
I know John is very likely to read this and part (if not all) of the reason for writing is to confront him and remind him that Sue, Lisa and I all want to help in any way we can. We all respect him deeply and have all received his help so often – if he is down, he does not have to just cope with it – he can talk about it to any of us. For me, personally, I owe so much to him that see him down makes me feel ashamed about my not being a better support to him.
The importance I place upon John means that I have broken away from my usual approach to this blog – I write it and then let others read when I have published on-line –and this time I had Sue carefully read this before I publish – I want to be careful not to aggravate the situation and also not to say something silly. I believe Lisa also looked at it. The idiotic style and any bad grammar or spelling are mine – the warm wishes and deep care come from all three.
Hard Work
I am back at work after the rape and quite busy but I cannot lie, it is not fun at the moment and I am doing it very automatically. I have relied on lube much more than at any time I can think of. I think I have lost 3 or 4 of my regulars since I am no more “spontaneous”. I am afraid I do not really care that I have lost them.
The first day back, I actually felt quite sick when I sucked and fucked the clients. Touching men was a complete turn-off. It was hard for me to face them but I forced myself. Gradually I have become more used to it but I am still not getting pleasure from being a “slut” as I did before.
It makes me think of what I wrote earlier about girls who hate working and how they are better off getting out. I will see how it goes but I am not sure if I can continue to work.
The first day back, I actually felt quite sick when I sucked and fucked the clients. Touching men was a complete turn-off. It was hard for me to face them but I forced myself. Gradually I have become more used to it but I am still not getting pleasure from being a “slut” as I did before.
It makes me think of what I wrote earlier about girls who hate working and how they are better off getting out. I will see how it goes but I am not sure if I can continue to work.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Afterwards - The Joy of Good Friends
I haven’t worked this week. John pushed me to at least take some time off after the rape– I think he is worried about my working at all - especially since at the moment I am not feeling at all sexually motivated – particularly towards men.
I rang up the shop and explained. I mentioned what had happened and the madam told me to take my time. Later on, I was surprised but the owner of the place called me up. He was furious – not at me- and asked me who was the client – he didn’t want that man to ever go near his places again and wanted to” teach him a lesson or two”. I couldn’t describe that man unambiguously and so the boss said he would investigate further. He said no-one could do this to his girls and finished off by telling me to take care of myself and that he hoped I would come back to work since I was one of his best girls but he would understand if I didn’t. I told him I wouldn’t let that man make my decisions about working and I would be back and he said “good for you”. I really appreciated his attitude and I know why it is one of the better places to work for.
I cancelled a gang-rape fantasy session which I had agreed with the organiser from before – I couldn’t face it. It has stopped being exciting and is now just sickening to me. I am dirty enough without this.
I rang my special client F. to cancel our session. I explained what happened and he was most sympathetic and sounded really concerned first whether I had been hurt and then about how it had affected me emotionally. He offered a coffee with me instead of the session and I took it up. He was so nice and kind, let me talk and was clearly upset to see how it was affecting me. I told him I’d have a session with him next week and he seemed reluctant. I asked him did he feel I was dirty and less sexy or desirable. He seemed genuinely surprised I thought that way but said that he was worried that I was too vulnerable at the moment and was more concerned about my rebuilding my emotional strength than about fucking me – he wanted to fuck me any time if it was not damaging to me. I like him for separating our fuck sessions from the fact that I am a person.
John called Sue and Sue was over in half-an-hour to see how I was. She said Lisa was very sorry that she couldn’t come and had asked if I could visit them. Sue and Lisa have been raped in the past and they could empathise most fully. Sue has been in touch so much checking up on me –she is stretched by the pressures of their new daughter but still is so good to me!
Sylvie and Chantelle have been so supportive and have been spoiling me. They have been around three or four times just to talk and they took me out to lunch one day.. Sylvie is so sensible and even though we have such different lifestyles she seems to understand me but somehow I feel dirty before her. Chantelle is sweet and kind but does no have the same level of empathy. I am delighted how happy they are together.
Our transsexual friend Annie heard and she was around immediately asking how she could help. I hadn’t seen her for ages but it was so great to know that even though we had argued over John in the past, she is a friend at a time of need.
Needless to say, John has been so supportive in every way and patient with me that I cannot think how I would have coped without him. He even took me to a doctor the morning after. He did however defy me in one very substantial way. He rang Savita and talked to her. I am not sure how I feel about this but I know he meant well. I have cross-examined both John and Savita to find out what they said. I was pretty nervous about them talking about me behind my back. Also I was embarrassed because I had called her a bit earlier to cancel our catch-up in the evening and she was a little put out because I could not explain.
The phone call between them seems to have been pretty much like this:
“Is this Savita?”
“Yes. Who is this?”
“Sorry to call you, my name is John - I am ringing about Grace – she is safe but she desperately needs support at this moment.”
“John, as in her husband, John?”
“Yes, that John - and I am sorry to disturb you - I am probably not a person you want to talk to but I have heard enough to believe Grace is very important to you and I know she values you so much. I am not sure if I should phone you – Grace is scared that you will reject her – but if you are even half as decent as you sound from what I hear then you should be respected and given a chance to support her when she needs you.”
“What happened?”
“Last night, Grace came home late from work. She had been sexually assaulted and though, fortunately, the physical injuries are minor, she was in a state of extreme shock and is traumatised.”
“She was raped? Please tell me what happened – please don’t talk like a police officer – I know you care for her and this is not clinical for you – I know you want the best for her – so do I. What can I do? Are you sure she is ok? Can I see her? Did you take her to a doctor? The police? My poor darling. Have you got the bastard yet?”
“I am not sure it isn’t better to talk to Grace instead of me.”
“You hate me so much that you can’t talk to me?”
“I don’t hate you. I may be jealous of you but I said that because I don’t want to talk behind her back.”
“Oh, that I understand but we won’t hide things from her –we’re talking about her health and safety. John, I ‘m not as clever as you and I really need help to make sure that I don’t fuck things up and say the wrong things – I am terrified of making things worse – of my own clumsiness. She rang me up to cancel seeing me – now I understand – I was unfriendly to her, my poor darling – how could I not sense she was hurting? She can’t trust me much not to tell me.”
“She trusts you but is scared you will be repelled by her. I think you under-rate yourself – you are so clever – I can tell that. However, I guess it might be helpful if I give the context so that you don’t have to ask too much. From what I gather, she was coming home from work and a customer from her work grabbed her and pulled her into a lane. He raped her both vaginally and anally. He then left her in the lane way and ran off with her bag. She walked home and tried to sneak in- fortunately I heard her and sensed there was a problem. So I and her sister helped her clean up and moved her from initial shock. I examined her carefully and could not find any serious physical injuries although she had lots of scrapes on her bottom and arms where she had rubbed against the concrete. She was however still in deep shock. She is very upset and keeps saying she feels dirty – she is compulsively washing herself where she was penetrated and I am worried about her - I know she will recover – she is very resilient but it could be a hard slog without support.”
“Thank you, John – I have never been raped – I can feel something of her sense of violation but I am really petrified that I will stuff up with her – you’re so much better than me at doing the right thing. Maybe it’s better if I leave her to you.”
“So you don’t want to help her?” John sounded pretty cool, I gather when she said that.
“Fuck you, don’t put words in my mouth. That’s not it at all – I so much want to help in any way. I want to hold her, comfort her, love her – I am twisted inside because the person I love so intensely is hurting – I am just scared of fucking up – you seem good at it – maybe because you have less emotions or something – and I’m an idiot I don’t know what to do or say. I’ll make things worse.”
“If you hold her, comfort her, love her, you will do more good than anything else – more than I can do – you will make her feel more normal and less dirty. She needs respect and acceptance and you are the key person. I am sorry to give you trouble but she does need you.” John was very polite but pretty distant in the way he spoke to her according to Savita and she said she felt she had been unfair to him and tried to be more polite.
“If you think that then I’ll do anything – just tell me what you want.”
“Is it possible to come to our place and spend time with her?”
“You’re inviting me to your place? Can you trust me?”
“Why not?”
“Because I love your wife more than I can say and I want her so much for myself.”
“And she wants you, I know. But I can’t see why I cannot trust you. Grace needs you and I reckon that is more important than any issues between us.”
“I can come tonight if that is ok – straight after work.”
“Perfect! If you need a lift home, I can give you one or else you’re welcome to stay with Grace overnight.”
“Don’t tempt me too much!”
“Can I suggest a couple of things though about when you meet her– probably you already know them: already.”
“Please.”
“Don’t expect it all to be ok in 10 minutes – it will take months if not years before the trauma is fully controlled – there will be moments that she will be hit. If you saw the look in her face when she came home, you would know the sense of violation and horror she felt -- she will hide and deny it but it isn’t going away completely in a short time.”
“Yes – I guess since she is sexually active, the violation could be worse – it’s too likely she blames herself - I find she often gets a bit down on herself and thinks because she is sexual, she is not as good as me. She doesn’t really believe that her sexuality is one aspect of why I think she is the greatest.”
“Savita, you have got the point of how she is feeling precisely- even before you talk to her. We must combat self-blame – she says things like maybe I’m a slut and deserved it.”
“Well we have to get rid of that one straightway.”
“Yes, but another warning – she keeps saying ‘I shouldn’t have walked home – it’s my fault’”
“Well it is dangerous for a girl to walk out so late at night.”
“You know that, I know that, Grace knows that but that doesn’t make it her fault. We all do silly things some times – I have left the flat unlocked – does that mean that a thief is justified. That man was the one who did the act – not her – it is not right to blame the victim. Maybe be more careful next time but don’t blame yourself.”
“I agree. I’ll be careful – we don’t want Grace blaming herself.”
John then checked she knew where to come and she was a bit embarrassed to explain why she had been to our flat before but John said “Look I know you’ve been with her here – I just wasn’t sure that you knew the way without her to guide you. Just, please come when you can make it.”
Savita said that from her perspective, John couldn’t have acted better and she was just so appreciative that he disobeyed me and she felt bad that she was not more polite to him. She said that she would never have forgiven herself if she had not been there for me when I needed support. I remember how hurt John was when he found I had been raped and did not tell him – maybe this was a driver in his decision to tell Savita?
She came straight from work and at about 6pm knocked on our door. Apparently, my sister answered and said “Who are you?” in dubious tones but fortunately John rushed out and said “You must be Savita.”, please come in and led her to the door of the bedroom where I was. I was sitting trying to read a book. Savita knocked on the door and I shouted out “come in”, expecting John or my sister to enter.
Savita came in and said “Grace, am I intruding?” I looked up and felt such a mix of emotions that I could not even start to put them together. Joy, fear, alarm, desire are just some of them.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
“I heard you had been hurt and I had to come”.
“Who told you?”
“John.”
“Fuck him – I told him not to disturb you.”
“I am so glad he did.”
“But now you will be even more disgusted by me – a dirty whore whose ass is filled with cum.”
Savita just came straight to me and said “Now that’s just plain silly, Grace – how can my husband disgust me – I am crazy about you, worried about you but not a bit disgusted by you – how can I show you?”
Her embrace released something inside me and I burst sobbing on her shoulder until I was all cried out feeling her pat my back.
“Will you ever be able to make love with me ever again?” I asked.
She laughed “any time darling that you want.”
“Now?” I asked, thinking she would be repelled but instead she pulled me close to me and gave me a deep kiss. Then slowly, quietly she stripped me down and gently she explored my body, kissing me all over, stimulating my breasts and then slowly moving her tongue down to my pussy which she licked and then deliberately she kissed my asshole before working again on my pussy. She pulled her pants and panties off and said to me:
“Lick my pussy, my husband – feel how wet I am for you. Know how much I desire you. Taste my juices – does this tell you how I feel?”
Gradually I felt myself slipping into a moment of complete intimacy with the woman I love and for a moment I almost forgot that I was dirty and I was basking in the pleasure of the moment. I felt Savita’s love for me and I was overwhelmed.
I realised that I should be grateful to John for letting me have this time with Savita but still I wondered whether he was trying to show Savita how worthless I am.
I said that to Savita at one point and she got quite annoyed. “Look Grace I think John is treating you exceedingly well – he called me because he thought you needed a woman’s touch, I think. I am actually surprised he called me because he could easily have made trouble and left me to think you were pulling away from me. I hate to say it but he is even more decent than you say in your blogs.”
“I guess he told you how I had him fuck my ass and cum in it to wash that man’s cum out. See how disgusting I am.”
“John told me nothing about that. He expressed concern about you. You are not disgusting but I am getting tired of hearing you run yourself down and also of hearing you criticise John – it is going too far. You are angry and upset – of course – but don’t be angry at those who care for you and are doing their most to help you. I love you but I am not going to let you say anything you want about those who are doing so much good for you.”
Her words were spoken quietly and gently but they hit home – she was right and I appreciate that she can be firm when she has to.
Savita has been staying with us all week and leaving to work from here each day– this is really hard for John, especially since he has given up our bedroom to her - but I find I am so glad of her support. She says that she must go home soon because she is in the way between me and John. I have drawn so much support from her and I am a bit nervous about her going.
My sister and John have been caring so much for my daughter, telling her that her mummy was a bit ill. My daughter has been surprisingly accepting of things .She and Savita seem to get on quite well.
My sister called my mother and she was up from Melbourne at our place two days after the event. She has been fussing and spoiling me almost as much as Savita. She is staying with her friend, L., and so Wei heard also. Wei has also been warm and so supportive. Mum has been very quiet about Savita and I think she is perplexed and concerned about how she fits in and also how it affects me and John. I have noticed her and my sister talking quietly.
The hunk heard from Sylvie and apparently rang up John and asked if there was anything he could do. He was apparently very angry and shocked at what had happened. The conversation between them was remarkably civilised according to John. Given the hunk has been fucking me so hard, I am amazed at John’s forbearance in talking to him. I suppose I must ring him up some time but just haven’t been in the mood.
The one disappointment is Sandra who was almost dismissive when I told her – she remarked that I was used to being fucked and I should just regard it as another client fuck – that would make it less scary. I think she was trying to be helpful by giving me a comfortable way of presenting it – but she missed the point of the whole feeling of violation that I am feeling. Among the non-working girls, I have spoken to, Savita and Sylvie picked that up immediately and that is why they are such warm and lovely people and that is also why Sandra is an ex-friend. I have suspected for some time she has thought of me as an LBFM (little brown fucking machine) just the way a lot of my clients think of me.
The funny thing is the experience has hit me more the last few days than it did immediately. Last night, I suddenly woke up in a cold sweat. Savita was next to me and was woken and held me tight, calming me down. The shock is wearing off but a residual fear and disgust is haunting me. I find it so hard to describe but I get a knot in my stomach. I don’t really want to go out. I want to hide, I don’t want to be touched by any man– that is why I must go out, must go back to work and must beat this quickly.
When I said this to John and Savita, they agreed I must get out and take back my life. Savita suggested a holiday but I felt returning to normal working life might be more helpful. Neither of them argued although I know they are both unconvinced. Anyway, I will get past it – it will fade – and I will not let it get me down – after all I have to remember that many women have suffered much worse than me – not least Sue and Lisa and I cannot afford to be self-indulgent.
Maybe Sandra is right – when one has fucked as many men as I have, one forced fuck is not that important. However, when I said that to John he got livid and called Sandra a “fucking pimple on the face of the earth” and said “she should drown in her own filth”. (When I told Savita, she was much less flattering about Sandra than John was and she reminded me that she had hated Sandra from the start.) After John calmed down a bit, he reminded me that the essential thing is choice. I can choose to fuck as many men or women as I want but I always have the right to say no. If I give up that right, I lose my humanity and that is why I feel so violated.
I rang up the shop and explained. I mentioned what had happened and the madam told me to take my time. Later on, I was surprised but the owner of the place called me up. He was furious – not at me- and asked me who was the client – he didn’t want that man to ever go near his places again and wanted to” teach him a lesson or two”. I couldn’t describe that man unambiguously and so the boss said he would investigate further. He said no-one could do this to his girls and finished off by telling me to take care of myself and that he hoped I would come back to work since I was one of his best girls but he would understand if I didn’t. I told him I wouldn’t let that man make my decisions about working and I would be back and he said “good for you”. I really appreciated his attitude and I know why it is one of the better places to work for.
I cancelled a gang-rape fantasy session which I had agreed with the organiser from before – I couldn’t face it. It has stopped being exciting and is now just sickening to me. I am dirty enough without this.
I rang my special client F. to cancel our session. I explained what happened and he was most sympathetic and sounded really concerned first whether I had been hurt and then about how it had affected me emotionally. He offered a coffee with me instead of the session and I took it up. He was so nice and kind, let me talk and was clearly upset to see how it was affecting me. I told him I’d have a session with him next week and he seemed reluctant. I asked him did he feel I was dirty and less sexy or desirable. He seemed genuinely surprised I thought that way but said that he was worried that I was too vulnerable at the moment and was more concerned about my rebuilding my emotional strength than about fucking me – he wanted to fuck me any time if it was not damaging to me. I like him for separating our fuck sessions from the fact that I am a person.
John called Sue and Sue was over in half-an-hour to see how I was. She said Lisa was very sorry that she couldn’t come and had asked if I could visit them. Sue and Lisa have been raped in the past and they could empathise most fully. Sue has been in touch so much checking up on me –she is stretched by the pressures of their new daughter but still is so good to me!
Sylvie and Chantelle have been so supportive and have been spoiling me. They have been around three or four times just to talk and they took me out to lunch one day.. Sylvie is so sensible and even though we have such different lifestyles she seems to understand me but somehow I feel dirty before her. Chantelle is sweet and kind but does no have the same level of empathy. I am delighted how happy they are together.
Our transsexual friend Annie heard and she was around immediately asking how she could help. I hadn’t seen her for ages but it was so great to know that even though we had argued over John in the past, she is a friend at a time of need.
Needless to say, John has been so supportive in every way and patient with me that I cannot think how I would have coped without him. He even took me to a doctor the morning after. He did however defy me in one very substantial way. He rang Savita and talked to her. I am not sure how I feel about this but I know he meant well. I have cross-examined both John and Savita to find out what they said. I was pretty nervous about them talking about me behind my back. Also I was embarrassed because I had called her a bit earlier to cancel our catch-up in the evening and she was a little put out because I could not explain.
The phone call between them seems to have been pretty much like this:
“Is this Savita?”
“Yes. Who is this?”
“Sorry to call you, my name is John - I am ringing about Grace – she is safe but she desperately needs support at this moment.”
“John, as in her husband, John?”
“Yes, that John - and I am sorry to disturb you - I am probably not a person you want to talk to but I have heard enough to believe Grace is very important to you and I know she values you so much. I am not sure if I should phone you – Grace is scared that you will reject her – but if you are even half as decent as you sound from what I hear then you should be respected and given a chance to support her when she needs you.”
“What happened?”
“Last night, Grace came home late from work. She had been sexually assaulted and though, fortunately, the physical injuries are minor, she was in a state of extreme shock and is traumatised.”
“She was raped? Please tell me what happened – please don’t talk like a police officer – I know you care for her and this is not clinical for you – I know you want the best for her – so do I. What can I do? Are you sure she is ok? Can I see her? Did you take her to a doctor? The police? My poor darling. Have you got the bastard yet?”
“I am not sure it isn’t better to talk to Grace instead of me.”
“You hate me so much that you can’t talk to me?”
“I don’t hate you. I may be jealous of you but I said that because I don’t want to talk behind her back.”
“Oh, that I understand but we won’t hide things from her –we’re talking about her health and safety. John, I ‘m not as clever as you and I really need help to make sure that I don’t fuck things up and say the wrong things – I am terrified of making things worse – of my own clumsiness. She rang me up to cancel seeing me – now I understand – I was unfriendly to her, my poor darling – how could I not sense she was hurting? She can’t trust me much not to tell me.”
“She trusts you but is scared you will be repelled by her. I think you under-rate yourself – you are so clever – I can tell that. However, I guess it might be helpful if I give the context so that you don’t have to ask too much. From what I gather, she was coming home from work and a customer from her work grabbed her and pulled her into a lane. He raped her both vaginally and anally. He then left her in the lane way and ran off with her bag. She walked home and tried to sneak in- fortunately I heard her and sensed there was a problem. So I and her sister helped her clean up and moved her from initial shock. I examined her carefully and could not find any serious physical injuries although she had lots of scrapes on her bottom and arms where she had rubbed against the concrete. She was however still in deep shock. She is very upset and keeps saying she feels dirty – she is compulsively washing herself where she was penetrated and I am worried about her - I know she will recover – she is very resilient but it could be a hard slog without support.”
“Thank you, John – I have never been raped – I can feel something of her sense of violation but I am really petrified that I will stuff up with her – you’re so much better than me at doing the right thing. Maybe it’s better if I leave her to you.”
“So you don’t want to help her?” John sounded pretty cool, I gather when she said that.
“Fuck you, don’t put words in my mouth. That’s not it at all – I so much want to help in any way. I want to hold her, comfort her, love her – I am twisted inside because the person I love so intensely is hurting – I am just scared of fucking up – you seem good at it – maybe because you have less emotions or something – and I’m an idiot I don’t know what to do or say. I’ll make things worse.”
“If you hold her, comfort her, love her, you will do more good than anything else – more than I can do – you will make her feel more normal and less dirty. She needs respect and acceptance and you are the key person. I am sorry to give you trouble but she does need you.” John was very polite but pretty distant in the way he spoke to her according to Savita and she said she felt she had been unfair to him and tried to be more polite.
“If you think that then I’ll do anything – just tell me what you want.”
“Is it possible to come to our place and spend time with her?”
“You’re inviting me to your place? Can you trust me?”
“Why not?”
“Because I love your wife more than I can say and I want her so much for myself.”
“And she wants you, I know. But I can’t see why I cannot trust you. Grace needs you and I reckon that is more important than any issues between us.”
“I can come tonight if that is ok – straight after work.”
“Perfect! If you need a lift home, I can give you one or else you’re welcome to stay with Grace overnight.”
“Don’t tempt me too much!”
“Can I suggest a couple of things though about when you meet her– probably you already know them: already.”
“Please.”
“Don’t expect it all to be ok in 10 minutes – it will take months if not years before the trauma is fully controlled – there will be moments that she will be hit. If you saw the look in her face when she came home, you would know the sense of violation and horror she felt -- she will hide and deny it but it isn’t going away completely in a short time.”
“Yes – I guess since she is sexually active, the violation could be worse – it’s too likely she blames herself - I find she often gets a bit down on herself and thinks because she is sexual, she is not as good as me. She doesn’t really believe that her sexuality is one aspect of why I think she is the greatest.”
“Savita, you have got the point of how she is feeling precisely- even before you talk to her. We must combat self-blame – she says things like maybe I’m a slut and deserved it.”
“Well we have to get rid of that one straightway.”
“Yes, but another warning – she keeps saying ‘I shouldn’t have walked home – it’s my fault’”
“Well it is dangerous for a girl to walk out so late at night.”
“You know that, I know that, Grace knows that but that doesn’t make it her fault. We all do silly things some times – I have left the flat unlocked – does that mean that a thief is justified. That man was the one who did the act – not her – it is not right to blame the victim. Maybe be more careful next time but don’t blame yourself.”
“I agree. I’ll be careful – we don’t want Grace blaming herself.”
John then checked she knew where to come and she was a bit embarrassed to explain why she had been to our flat before but John said “Look I know you’ve been with her here – I just wasn’t sure that you knew the way without her to guide you. Just, please come when you can make it.”
Savita said that from her perspective, John couldn’t have acted better and she was just so appreciative that he disobeyed me and she felt bad that she was not more polite to him. She said that she would never have forgiven herself if she had not been there for me when I needed support. I remember how hurt John was when he found I had been raped and did not tell him – maybe this was a driver in his decision to tell Savita?
She came straight from work and at about 6pm knocked on our door. Apparently, my sister answered and said “Who are you?” in dubious tones but fortunately John rushed out and said “You must be Savita.”, please come in and led her to the door of the bedroom where I was. I was sitting trying to read a book. Savita knocked on the door and I shouted out “come in”, expecting John or my sister to enter.
Savita came in and said “Grace, am I intruding?” I looked up and felt such a mix of emotions that I could not even start to put them together. Joy, fear, alarm, desire are just some of them.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
“I heard you had been hurt and I had to come”.
“Who told you?”
“John.”
“Fuck him – I told him not to disturb you.”
“I am so glad he did.”
“But now you will be even more disgusted by me – a dirty whore whose ass is filled with cum.”
Savita just came straight to me and said “Now that’s just plain silly, Grace – how can my husband disgust me – I am crazy about you, worried about you but not a bit disgusted by you – how can I show you?”
Her embrace released something inside me and I burst sobbing on her shoulder until I was all cried out feeling her pat my back.
“Will you ever be able to make love with me ever again?” I asked.
She laughed “any time darling that you want.”
“Now?” I asked, thinking she would be repelled but instead she pulled me close to me and gave me a deep kiss. Then slowly, quietly she stripped me down and gently she explored my body, kissing me all over, stimulating my breasts and then slowly moving her tongue down to my pussy which she licked and then deliberately she kissed my asshole before working again on my pussy. She pulled her pants and panties off and said to me:
“Lick my pussy, my husband – feel how wet I am for you. Know how much I desire you. Taste my juices – does this tell you how I feel?”
Gradually I felt myself slipping into a moment of complete intimacy with the woman I love and for a moment I almost forgot that I was dirty and I was basking in the pleasure of the moment. I felt Savita’s love for me and I was overwhelmed.
I realised that I should be grateful to John for letting me have this time with Savita but still I wondered whether he was trying to show Savita how worthless I am.
I said that to Savita at one point and she got quite annoyed. “Look Grace I think John is treating you exceedingly well – he called me because he thought you needed a woman’s touch, I think. I am actually surprised he called me because he could easily have made trouble and left me to think you were pulling away from me. I hate to say it but he is even more decent than you say in your blogs.”
“I guess he told you how I had him fuck my ass and cum in it to wash that man’s cum out. See how disgusting I am.”
“John told me nothing about that. He expressed concern about you. You are not disgusting but I am getting tired of hearing you run yourself down and also of hearing you criticise John – it is going too far. You are angry and upset – of course – but don’t be angry at those who care for you and are doing their most to help you. I love you but I am not going to let you say anything you want about those who are doing so much good for you.”
Her words were spoken quietly and gently but they hit home – she was right and I appreciate that she can be firm when she has to.
Savita has been staying with us all week and leaving to work from here each day– this is really hard for John, especially since he has given up our bedroom to her - but I find I am so glad of her support. She says that she must go home soon because she is in the way between me and John. I have drawn so much support from her and I am a bit nervous about her going.
My sister and John have been caring so much for my daughter, telling her that her mummy was a bit ill. My daughter has been surprisingly accepting of things .She and Savita seem to get on quite well.
My sister called my mother and she was up from Melbourne at our place two days after the event. She has been fussing and spoiling me almost as much as Savita. She is staying with her friend, L., and so Wei heard also. Wei has also been warm and so supportive. Mum has been very quiet about Savita and I think she is perplexed and concerned about how she fits in and also how it affects me and John. I have noticed her and my sister talking quietly.
The hunk heard from Sylvie and apparently rang up John and asked if there was anything he could do. He was apparently very angry and shocked at what had happened. The conversation between them was remarkably civilised according to John. Given the hunk has been fucking me so hard, I am amazed at John’s forbearance in talking to him. I suppose I must ring him up some time but just haven’t been in the mood.
The one disappointment is Sandra who was almost dismissive when I told her – she remarked that I was used to being fucked and I should just regard it as another client fuck – that would make it less scary. I think she was trying to be helpful by giving me a comfortable way of presenting it – but she missed the point of the whole feeling of violation that I am feeling. Among the non-working girls, I have spoken to, Savita and Sylvie picked that up immediately and that is why they are such warm and lovely people and that is also why Sandra is an ex-friend. I have suspected for some time she has thought of me as an LBFM (little brown fucking machine) just the way a lot of my clients think of me.
The funny thing is the experience has hit me more the last few days than it did immediately. Last night, I suddenly woke up in a cold sweat. Savita was next to me and was woken and held me tight, calming me down. The shock is wearing off but a residual fear and disgust is haunting me. I find it so hard to describe but I get a knot in my stomach. I don’t really want to go out. I want to hide, I don’t want to be touched by any man– that is why I must go out, must go back to work and must beat this quickly.
When I said this to John and Savita, they agreed I must get out and take back my life. Savita suggested a holiday but I felt returning to normal working life might be more helpful. Neither of them argued although I know they are both unconvinced. Anyway, I will get past it – it will fade – and I will not let it get me down – after all I have to remember that many women have suffered much worse than me – not least Sue and Lisa and I cannot afford to be self-indulgent.
Maybe Sandra is right – when one has fucked as many men as I have, one forced fuck is not that important. However, when I said that to John he got livid and called Sandra a “fucking pimple on the face of the earth” and said “she should drown in her own filth”. (When I told Savita, she was much less flattering about Sandra than John was and she reminded me that she had hated Sandra from the start.) After John calmed down a bit, he reminded me that the essential thing is choice. I can choose to fuck as many men or women as I want but I always have the right to say no. If I give up that right, I lose my humanity and that is why I feel so violated.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Bad
Last night I was raped. I cannot fully express the horror – for the second time in my working life I have been raped. Again, it was when I was heading home from work but this time I was walking on a reasonable main street and not a laneway – I do not live far from my brothel and I was walking home after a late shift (1am) – John has always told me I should drive or get him to pick me up – even if it is only a 15 minute walk – and so I was dumb. The guy grabbed me from behind and pulled me into a laneway, showing me a knife, pushed me against the concrete, ripped off my clothes and fucked me in the cunt and then fucked me in the ass into which he shot his load. And then he left me lying in the gutter and ran off taking my bag which contained condoms, lube and a book I was reading – fortunately I try not to have anything valuable or identifying in my bag since occasionally one of the girls is a thief. Unfortunately I was carrying my takings ($540) for the day and night. My keys were in my pocket and I did not lose them. I recognised the guy as a customer at where I work – I think I saw him once.
My clothes were damaged and I was scraped by rubbing against the concrete – when I got home, I tried to sneak in and wash myself up but John heard me come in and got out of bed to see what was wrong – he said he couldn’t explain it but the way I entered the flat wasn’t usual. As soon as he asked what was wrong, I burst into tears and told everything. John was so gentle with me – My sister heard the noise and came out and John asked did I want her to help clean me up – I asked him if he would mind terribly if he did it – I don’t know why I asked exactly - partly because I feel a shyness in front of my sister - but also because I have a deep trust of John –somehow I felt really dirty and was sacred of rejection and needed trust.
John took me to the bathroom and gently wiped my face, stripped off my clothes wiping the scraped skin with antiseptic wash. He talked about the police and taking a swab but I refused absolutely – they would not be sympathetic to a hooker and I was feeling too fragile – I know I should try and stop the man but I couldn’t face it. John said I could talk with a woman officer – I said they were the worst – so contemptuous. John didn’t push me – he was all the time working with me and then he started to wipe me around the pussy and ass – very gently (actually too gently at first) cleaning me up and then he took me in the shower and we showered together with him soaping me all over and then wiping me – he got out and I washed my hair on my own while he waited. Then he examined my scratches and carefully put antiseptic cream on. Fortunately there was no serious damage just some grazes.
John apologised that he really wasn’t good at cleaning me – but to me the care and love that he applied were more helpful than anything I could have received from anyone else. I asked John just to hold me for a bit and he held me and gently caressed me not saying anything.
I was feeling slightly better when I got out of the bathroom. My sister was waiting for us and she held me and I burst into tears again, crying on her shoulders. It was too fresh and horrible in my mind. Then John and my sister put me to bed – I asked John to stay with me – suddenly I asked him to fuck me – I wanted to wash away the feeling of dirty and I asked him to cum in my ass – John doesn’t enjoy anal and so I was asking a favour. I just wanted John’s cum to wash out that man’s. Not rational, I am sure. It was too hard on John who was very tired already and is pressured in so many ways from the loss of access to his son through to his uncertainty about me and Savita. He felt it hard to cum since he was not in the mood and anal was a turn-off but he did it. I feel a bit bad about how much I used him.
Today, John took a day off to be with me. We talked about it quite a bit – actually I talked and he listened most of the time, although he did ask a few questions. First he asked me if I wanted him to call any of my friends to help me get past this point – I said that Sylvie would be good – she is so sensible. He asked about Savita and Sue. I said I was too ashamed to tell Savita. As for Sue, she was too busy with her daughter. He said Sue would be very offended if I didn’t tell her and I sort of agreed but he was silent about Savita.
The only time John pressed his opinion was when I said it was my fault for walking home, he argued strongly against me saying in no way is it my fault – that he hoped if I continued working (which was posed as a question from him to me), I would come home by car but what happened was not my fault – it was only one person’s fault and reminded me how I talk and have written about not blaming the victim. I told John I did not want to stop working because of that man – it would give him power over me – if I stopped it would be because I wanted to stop for my own reasons. John didn’t push me at all although I sense he is very worried about me.
I am typing this up mid-afternoon, facing the last 14 hours and struggling to understand what I am really feeling. Why am I so upset about being fucked when I do it for a living? Why do I feel so angry? Why am I so silly? I’ve heard John’s answers but do I believe them?
My clothes were damaged and I was scraped by rubbing against the concrete – when I got home, I tried to sneak in and wash myself up but John heard me come in and got out of bed to see what was wrong – he said he couldn’t explain it but the way I entered the flat wasn’t usual. As soon as he asked what was wrong, I burst into tears and told everything. John was so gentle with me – My sister heard the noise and came out and John asked did I want her to help clean me up – I asked him if he would mind terribly if he did it – I don’t know why I asked exactly - partly because I feel a shyness in front of my sister - but also because I have a deep trust of John –somehow I felt really dirty and was sacred of rejection and needed trust.
John took me to the bathroom and gently wiped my face, stripped off my clothes wiping the scraped skin with antiseptic wash. He talked about the police and taking a swab but I refused absolutely – they would not be sympathetic to a hooker and I was feeling too fragile – I know I should try and stop the man but I couldn’t face it. John said I could talk with a woman officer – I said they were the worst – so contemptuous. John didn’t push me – he was all the time working with me and then he started to wipe me around the pussy and ass – very gently (actually too gently at first) cleaning me up and then he took me in the shower and we showered together with him soaping me all over and then wiping me – he got out and I washed my hair on my own while he waited. Then he examined my scratches and carefully put antiseptic cream on. Fortunately there was no serious damage just some grazes.
John apologised that he really wasn’t good at cleaning me – but to me the care and love that he applied were more helpful than anything I could have received from anyone else. I asked John just to hold me for a bit and he held me and gently caressed me not saying anything.
I was feeling slightly better when I got out of the bathroom. My sister was waiting for us and she held me and I burst into tears again, crying on her shoulders. It was too fresh and horrible in my mind. Then John and my sister put me to bed – I asked John to stay with me – suddenly I asked him to fuck me – I wanted to wash away the feeling of dirty and I asked him to cum in my ass – John doesn’t enjoy anal and so I was asking a favour. I just wanted John’s cum to wash out that man’s. Not rational, I am sure. It was too hard on John who was very tired already and is pressured in so many ways from the loss of access to his son through to his uncertainty about me and Savita. He felt it hard to cum since he was not in the mood and anal was a turn-off but he did it. I feel a bit bad about how much I used him.
Today, John took a day off to be with me. We talked about it quite a bit – actually I talked and he listened most of the time, although he did ask a few questions. First he asked me if I wanted him to call any of my friends to help me get past this point – I said that Sylvie would be good – she is so sensible. He asked about Savita and Sue. I said I was too ashamed to tell Savita. As for Sue, she was too busy with her daughter. He said Sue would be very offended if I didn’t tell her and I sort of agreed but he was silent about Savita.
The only time John pressed his opinion was when I said it was my fault for walking home, he argued strongly against me saying in no way is it my fault – that he hoped if I continued working (which was posed as a question from him to me), I would come home by car but what happened was not my fault – it was only one person’s fault and reminded me how I talk and have written about not blaming the victim. I told John I did not want to stop working because of that man – it would give him power over me – if I stopped it would be because I wanted to stop for my own reasons. John didn’t push me at all although I sense he is very worried about me.
I am typing this up mid-afternoon, facing the last 14 hours and struggling to understand what I am really feeling. Why am I so upset about being fucked when I do it for a living? Why do I feel so angry? Why am I so silly? I’ve heard John’s answers but do I believe them?
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