A letter

I am putting into my blog almost all of a letter from John to me. It is private and I thought about it and discussed with John before putting it up. He is a bit uncomfortable because he aimed it at me but said ok. I have only changed it a bit to remove anything that could identify us, e.g. I have put “Grace” when he wrote my name and “our daughter” when he uses her. I dropped one phrase that was too personal. I really appreciate his trying to talk frankly about his desires since he finds it so hard to do so. Typing up the letter forced me to read and think about everything he said. I have put it up on my blog to show the problems of maintaining a relationship as a working girl.


My darling Grace,

I feel I am losing you and that frightens me. This letter is my attempt to reach out and grab you back. I am not going to let go of you without trying everything I can.

Why am I writing to you and not just saying this? After all we live together, eat together and sleep together. I write because sometimes the spoken word is not enough. Also, after recent issues between us, I want to state my case in a measured way, addressing your concerns and trying to answer your questions. I often feel shy or embarrassed to say things and in writing I can find courage.

Moreover, I want to write you a love letter – I am not good at saying the most polished and smooth words nor am I overwhelmingly romantic but I do love you so deeply and I hope if or when you read this letter, you will feel how much love was involved in its writing. You always tease me that I say I want to make love to you and not that I want to fuck you – but I say it that way because it is love and not just fucking. Your clients fuck you but I make love to you as well.


There are many things I need to talk to you about. Let me suggest a few:


How do I feel about your working?

If you work, how if affects our daughter and how do we protect her?

How do I feel about your relationship with women (Sue, Jane and Anna)?

What do I really think about you?

What I am looking for from our relationship?

What is our future if we stay together?

I’m sorry if setting out an agenda sounds too formal, but, my darling Grace, I need to be sure that I get my message to you. This discussion is initiated by my love for you but I need to address the issues and not avoid issues as I am prone to do.


How do I feel about your working?


Let me start with the moral question – as we have discussed many times, I have never been able to understand why having sex with lots of people makes you a worse person – provided it is not exploitative. Why does it matter that you have had sex with over 5000 different men whereas some women have only one or zero? You treat people well and you are soft and loving – that is important morally and it is not morally important that you are “a hot little fuck bunny” as you so often call yourself – although I do enjoy that side of you. As long as you are comfortable with your sexuality, given that you re honest about what you are doing, I cannot see a moral objection.


I know I should be jealous that other men fuck you but I have much more complicated feelings. As we have often discussed, I find the idea of being with “promiscuous” women sexually exciting. I am turned on by thinking that my sex partners are experienced and happy to open their legs to men. As you know, I have always been very attracted to prostitutes. Probably, it is perverted but it is the truth.


Sometimes when you come home from work, keyed up and tell me how many men you have just fucked and you reach out and start playing with me, I feel as if I could lose control and push you down on the bed and just use you there and then without any thought of you as anything other than a sex object. Then, you reach out for my cock and start sucking me – it is like paradise, watching your head bobbing up and down as my cock penetrates your beautiful face. I don’t know how many times I’ve cum in your mouth but it is still one of my greatest pleasures. God, Grace, you drive me crazy. I am turned when I think just how sexually hot you are.


I could write a lot more about how great it is to have sex with you - especially when you are at your most slutty - but that is not really the question here except in that it helps me explain a bit of why your working turns me on. But, Grace, I do value you way above just the fucking. That is why I never let go completely and even at the heat of the moment, I never forget who I am fucking.


Do I get jealous? A bit, yes. I would be dreadfully jealous if I thought you were emotionally attached to a client and sometimes when you talk too much about one guy, I feel nervous. But even if you worked in an office with all your clothes on, there would be guys who would make me jealous. I am well aware that I am not the most attractive man, but I will not keep you by holding fast. I must give you slack to develop as you choose.


But your working is not about my sexual satisfaction. You seem to thrive on it. Is it the attention and reassurance? Is it the thumbing your nose at conventions? Is it the excitement of displaying yourself in front of men? Is it living out the role of a slut? Is it the sex? Probably a bit of all of them. You would know better than me but I do see how you almost glow when you have been working. I remember after your gangbang trip to the US, how sexually charged you were and, even though you were exhausted after your plane trip back, how you almost jumped me at the airport and we spent the day fucking like animals (and in this case it was fucking not making love) until you collapsed in a heap and slept for 16 hours. It is your sheer enjoyment of sexuality that makes me realise that I am not enough for you and that it is not just my selfishness that keeps you working.


I do worry how sustainable this life is and what happens when changes need to come. I want to be there for you then and I always try to talk to you about both the future and the present. But this letter is really focussed on the present because I know that if I do not win your present time then I will miss out on sharing our futures.


As always, I need to repeat the thing that prevents me wholeheartedly supporting your working and causes the most anxiety for me. It is your safety – and yes, Grace, that is fundamental. I have said this to you so many times that I sound like a broken record but I must emphasise it again. Your safety and health are my biggest concerns. You have had a few problems with your clients already – I always pray that they are the worst you experience. I worry about you always and I am very much concerned that you are safe.


The health I talk about is not just physical but also emotional. Too often I hear you call yourself a stupid whore. You are not stupid and you are much more than a whore. I know you quite like being a whore as a role and I am easy with you playing this role as long as it is not your real self image. However too often I sense your vulnerability and self doubt. We discuss this endlessly but Grace you really need to believe in yourself and value yourself even half as much as I do.


I know I frustrate you by never telling you to quit or to continue working but Grace there is a reason. Ultimately it is not my decision. If I was 100% convinced that working was the worst thing for you believe me I would tell you to quit but at this stage, I say work if you wish to and stop if you are not enjoying.


If you work, how if affects our daughter and how do we protect her?

This is the hardest question. I know that it has been the focus of so many of our recent arguments but I am surprised we argue so much when we almost agree.

At 3 years, she does not understand but we need to ensure that any carers involved in her life either do not know or, if they do, can completely separate her needs from their value judgements.

It is to your credit that you have so thoroughly separated your work from your outside life (with the exception of your few friends like Sue & Lisa and Jane). It is a protection for our daughter. I really appreciate the care you take to manage everything to keep this separation, including making sure you look different when you work – that time I visited your brothel as a “client”, I almost didn’t recognise you when you were shown to me. So, I feel the risks of running accidentally into clients are mitigated.

I guess my point is that, if you wish to continue working, we must be careful to be discreet. But, you cannot give up everything to protect our daughter. Should we prevent Sue and Lisa from seeing her since they are prostitutes? Do we also want to protect her from a “lesbian lifestyle”? How much can we ptotect her and how much should we completely adjust our lives to this end? We can cut out everything if we are not careful.

As I have said any number of times, I do not want you feeling you were forced out of working –that creates resentment. I want you to move on when you are ready.

How do I feel about your relationship with women (Sue, Jane, Linda and Anna)?

I have felt for a long time that your relationships with women are becoming more and more of a focus of your life. You used to say you were bi but liked men better. Now I wonder if it has not changed. Maybe you are saturated by the number of men you meet. Maybe you are just realising your true desires in the way Sue did when she came out.

I am much more concerned about losing you to a woman than to a man not because it is worse to lose you to a woman – it is a disaster to me if I lose you! - but because I sense your interest in them is deeper. There are four women in your life at this stage with whom I know you are very close and with whom you have or have had serious sexual relations: Sue, Jane, Annette and Anna but maybe I am missing the Ms Right of your life?

Although my view is probably irrelevant, I will give it. Obviously I am biased.

I like Sue – she is straight with me and has always been so. I know if Lisa was not about, she would be the most serious threat – you are right to like her a lot and given your long relationship with all its ups and downs, maybe it would have worked. But Lisa is there and the more I get to see the two together, the more I think you are very wrong about them – Lisa is really good for Sue and I believe that they care for each other very deeply. I understand your initial concerns and Lisa admitted to me that she did originally consider getting into Australia and getting PR was a factor at first, but she made it very clear she is deeply in love with Sue. Lisa has also been very instrumental in mending fences and getting Sue to talk to you again recently. So, I hope you will accept them as a couple in your heart.

I am relaxed about Jane as a threat – I know she is a user of people but you know that also. I do not feel you are serious about her. I still think I was right not to fuck her – our relationship is far too valuable to play silly games.

Annette is a nice girl but still very flighty – she is very young and I am not so sure she is really gay even though she and Lin have been together for a few years now. So be careful there if you get too involved with her.

Now to Anna…I haven’t missed the hints you have dropped. It’s only been a month since you met her and already she is very close to you – maybe it is jealousy on my part but I do not trust her and this letter is at least partly driven by my worry that she is becoming a risk to our relationship – I know you get restless sometimes, I know you are attracted to her – when you invited her to our place, I watched you and saw how you kissed her a little longer than just a friend and you sat cuddled up with her. Yes, she is very sexy. You say she is great to work with – you enjoy doing lesbian doubles with her - and, yes, I was very tempted by your offer- but I am always careful about “sleeping with the enemy”.

Maybe Anna is good for you but be careful - I don’t want you to get hurt – please, get to know her well. I was worried enough when I read the blog entry on Jane and you said you were considering her offer – it made me feel you are looking to move on. I am even more worried when I hear you talk so much about Anna. I know I cannot hold you if you decide she is right for you – but please consider.


What do I really think about you?

Clearly my first feeling for you is love. But not far behind is respect. I never take you for granted.

My love is not blind – you are not perfect but you are a lot better than you think yourself. I know you are a restless person, easily bored when things stand still and with a tendency to the stir the pot. You often ask me why so many things happen in your life – it is because you make them happen.

I think I am exceptionally lucky that you have stayed with me so long. You are young, beautiful, sexy and clever. I am middle-aged with a bulging stomach and I am nothing much to look at. I am not stupid, I guess, but is that really enough to satisfy you?

One question, you keep asking is whether I was upset that you did not tell me about your rape for so long. Yes, I understand why you did not tell but I guess it was a little sad for me that you did not know how much I want to support you at a time like that and thought that I might do anything other than help you recover from the horror. I am so glad that Sue helped you so much at that time and my feelings towards her are always positively coloured by this. It has never made me think any less of you but it has made me wonder about my ability to support you – I knew there was something wrong but never understood until too late. I am sorry, Grace, if I failed you.


What I am looking for from our relationship?

Put simply, the pleasure of your company for as long as I can share it.


What is our future if we stay together?

I hope that if we stay together, we can have a long and happy time together. I believe we can build our family and develop ourselves. You have many years ahead of you and much to experience. My love for you forms a strong base to our future. We have many places to go and people to meet. We have a daughter who will grow up with us and for whose growth is something we can delight in together.


We will have moments of disagreement – let’s be realistic. There will always be chances for you to take new directions – you will never be chained (except of course in our b&d play). I believe we can have lots of fun together - both in and out of the bedroom. We can share our lives and our experiences and enjoy our time together.


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Finally, although not on my earlier agenda, I will extend the statements about the positive aspects of our potential future and finish with a statement of what I believe I offer to you. This is my case for why you might stay with me. I have tried through the rest of the letter to be realistic and not promote myself. But let me finish on a positive note - after all this is a letter with a clear and constant motive, namely to encourage you to stay.


Stability – I believe I am a steady person who gives a solid base for you to be yourself without the ground being removed from underneath you.

Love – need I say more? Support and understanding –I believe I have always been there for you – I helped you face …omitted… and also throughout your other less serious issues.

Family – our own relationship already extends over 7 years and we share the company of a beautiful daughter whom we both want to see grow and blossom.

Respect – I have a deep respect for you and see your true value without vacuous judgemental views.

Grace, you and our daughter are the centre of my world. I believe you are the most beautiful, the cleverest and the most sexual woman I could ever hope to meet. When I look at you lying next to me at night or when I hold you or when I make love with you – or fuck you, if you prefer, it is the best part of my life.

I have always said that you are totally free to leave at any time and I am not missing your hints but, Grace, please think carefully about the good things in our relationship before you decide,


With all my love,

Your devoted husband,

John

Friday 16 November 2007 - 04:34PM (EST)