I am feeling pretty stupid at the moment. This weekend revealed just how silly I have been. Anna shifted out to go with a new boyfriend – a client with a lot of money. It is clear she was using me until a better opportunity came about. I wish I could say I wasn’t warned.
John has effectively moved in with Annette and they seem very happy – part of me wants to leave them alone but I know how much I have lost when I stupidly focused on Anna and so part of me wants to try to get John back – if I can. I know I have to really try hard and prove to John that I have value and also that I know just how great he is. My biggest mistake wasn’t Anna - it was taking John for granted – and even though I think I sensed it before, this weekend has really driven it home. Sue had been telling me that for a long time but I wasn’t paying enough attention. I was too excited about fucking a beautiful girl and focussing on developing my own lesbian side. I may like girls but I really need John.
Speaking of Sue, she is still snubbing me – she says she will not forgive the way I treated John, who she says is her best male friend. A friend told me a while back that Sue was always worried that Lisa was too interested in John because of how kind and supportive he has been to her. Sue worries that Lisa is not really gay and would like to have a man. Sue said as much to me one time and also said that if she didn’t trust John so much, she would try to stop him talking to Lisa.
I think she doesn’t need to worry. Lisa said to me when we were working together that it wasn’t a question of male or female with Sue – it was that Sue was the person who had always treated her best, respected her, understood her and loved her in every way. She said that even though she had always thought her life partner would be a man, she now knew that she wanted to stay with Sue as long as Sue would have her. That comment touched me at the time but now I know that I should have used her thinking and applied it to me and John.
I guess my title is misleading – I haven't reached none. Fortunately there is still one special person in my life - my little daughter who remains central to my life. Time to focus on the important things.
Wednesday 27 February 2008 - 01:59PM (EST) Edit | Delete |
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