Family Reunion

I got a phone call two days ago out of the blue from my sister. She said that she and my brother would be in Sydney the following day and they wanted to catch up with me. They had something they needed to discuss with me and she asked would I please give them the time. I was surprised by the way she almost pleaded as if she thought I would refuse – I wanted to – but, reluctantly, I said o.k. as long as I could bring John. She said to me that this was a family matter and I said John was my family and she said “I guess it will be o.k.”.

That evening, I talked it over with John – I was feeling very nervous about it all and he was very supportive - asking what was the worst thing that could happen: I said that we could have a major argument – and John pointed out tactfully that we were already on bad terms – the possibility of an improvement of relations was much higher, he said. I think he was very positive about this but I thought it most likely my mother was sick or something and they were going to try to tell me off for not being nice to her. John just told me to calm down and he comforted me in the way that works best – and I do love those loving slow fucks!

I was really glad that he was coming with me – I was so tense on the way there and bit his head off twice when he said things. We met at a hotel in the city. Everyone was quite formally dressed. John had encouraged me not to be outrageous on the principle that “we should give them a chance”. We sat down in a coffee shop and I was very cool to them. The atmosphere was electric. My sister started saying that it would probably be better to have just the three of us but my brother saw that I was getting cheesed off and asked me “how much John know about what has happened”. “Probably more than you”, I snapped back.”And he hates us?”. “No, he’s the reason I’m here – he actually wants us on good terms.”

“Then”, my brother said addressing John, “I would be really grateful if you would stay and support my sister through this conversation. I am sorry to give you such trouble.”

Hearing that I knew that my fears were unfounded – my brother was not going to blame me – I had never heard him speak so politely and cautiously in my whole life. He was always a bit abrupt. John also picked this up and knew that it was not a blame session and so he said “Maybe I am not needed – I never want to intrude – I know your sister is uncomfortable with me being here – I can let you talk but be nearby.”

My brother shook his head and said “ Your wife wants you here and her wishes are the most important and to confirm, he asked me “Do you want John here?” , I replied “yes” and my brother turned to John and said, “This isn’t fun but if you could be kind to my sister and stay, I would be most grateful”. So John stayed and my brother addressed me:

“Your sister and I have come to beg your forgiveness – we turned our backs on you in your darkest hours. We have only just come to know what our uncle was doing but we should have respected and trusted you and known that you would not have turned away from us unless there was a real reason. I cannot forgive myself for the harm that our family has done to you and also for how I ignored dad when he said that I should support and love you – that you had been badly hurt – instead I listened to mum’s words. Maybe you can never forgive me but I want to apologise from the bottom of my heart – if this sounds very formal it’s because we have lost the right to assume familiarity. I have prepared these words all night but I could not find words to say just how deeply ashamed I am. I think your sister also feels ashamed but her youth should, I hope, excuse her in your eyes and so please do not blame her. The only good thing I have seen to come out is today when I find that you have a supportive and loving husband.”

I was overwhelmed and burst into uncontrollable sobs. I was so overcome by the fact that my brother and sister did not reject me - it was as if a massive knife in my heart had just been pulled out and the wound was ready to start being healed. I could hardly speak and nudged John, gulping out “John – you answer”.

John wasn’t ready for that – I know how well he understands me but it is an impossible task to talk on behalf of someone else in a situation like this. However he tried, carefully watching me to get cues.

“Obviously, I have never experienced the hurt that Grace felt but until she can speak for herself, maybe I can say a few things that can be helpful. First, I have spoken a lot with her over the time about the pain and I know how much the sense of alienation from you has hurt her and, from my perspective, I believed that it was lack of knowledge not ill-will that was the reason you did not talk to her. What you have said proves this and your coming here today makes me think that you are a truly loving family – I am careful because I do not want to put words into Grace’s mouth or to push her to a solution which isn’t what she wants – but I can see only good coming out of what you just said.”

I still couldn’t speak but I nodded vigorously and at that moment, my sister came around the table and held me and we cried on each other’s shoulders. My brother held back, uncertain what to do and John could see his discomfort and addressed him, saying “all I can say is how much I admire your courage and decency – this must be really hard to face and to act upon. I am delighted that Grace’s brother and sister are good people like her.”

My brother was also crumbling – I could see his eyes were moistening and he was embarrassed by this weakness. John said to him “why don’t we let your sisters spend a few minutes together – do you have time for dinner? We should look to see if there’s anywhere nearby that looks good and we can come back and get the girls afterwards. My brother was relieved to have something to do and nodded. It seems that they had booked rooms in the hotel for the night – they weren’t sure how long things would take and didn’t want to have to rush off to catch a plane backs to Melbourne that night.

After a lot of tears, my sister and I started talking and I found out what had happened. It seems my sister and my mother had been talking and my name came up – my mother was saying how ashamed she was of me – and then, for the first time, she slipped out ”and she even lied to me about my poor departed brother – accusing him of all sort of nasty things.”. My sister explained that it had sounded a strange comment to her and she had talked to my brother about it. Asking if he knew what “nasty things” our mother was talking about. She said that it took only a few seconds for the penny to drop with my brother and he exploded with anger saying “So, that’s what happened – now I understand – how stupid I’ve been – I let my sister get hurt.”

Then he rushed off and found my mother, my sister trailing after him. He was so angry and started screaming at our mother “How could you let us hurt her. I’ll never forgive you for the way you treated our sister.”. She replied “Do you want to defend a perverted whore who lives with a man who fathers children with other whores against your own mother”. “What she does hurts no-one – it’s her choice and she is honest about herself - but we let her be raped by our uncle when she was only 12 or 13– then we push her away – it’s us who are perverted and dishonest.”

My brother was going ballistic and my sister thought he was near hitting mother – and he is the least violent of men- when suddenly the whole thing fell into place for my sister – she said that she had just avoided understanding because it was too horrible – and she suddenly couldn’t help herself and started vomiting.

This stopped my brother who rushed to look after her and told our mother “just go away – I’ll help her” Apparently my mother was in tears but she did leave and the immediate situation was defused.

When things settled and he was calmer, my brother had a long chat with my sister and he said he wanted to see me as soon as possible and beg forgiveness – he felt sick to the gut with guilt for how our family had treated me – he asked her whether she would come with him to see me and she said she wanted to. He emphasised that the apology had to be non-conditional. He also said that he knew she was uncomfortable with my lifestyle but she had to accept and respect it or he didn’t want her to come with him. From his perspective, my lifestyle was different but not an issue – he had always accepted it and had really respected the way John had supported me at our father’s funeral – the only time he had met John. I had looked as though I was safe with him.

My brother said he had taken his father’s advice and never judged my life but he was hurt how I had turned my back on him and the family. Now, he understood what was going down, he felt stupid – he should have realised – he remembered how at about 12 or 13, I suddenly changed into a withdrawn person.

When I heard this I was relieved a lot – because I had had a horrible vision of his reaching out and then rejecting me when he learnt that I was a hooker – but if he already knew then this was less likely. I asked my sister how she felt about my lifestyle and she said “I honestly don’t understand – how can you do it – I’ve never let a man touch me intimately. I expected to hate John but even in the short time I’ve seen him, I can understand that you could love him but how can you bear to let all those other men touch you? And how can you be intimate with women? I don’t understand.”

“But do you think you can accept me?”

“Most definitely – you are my sister and brother did convince me – you are not wrong – just different. I want to be best friends with you but don’t ask me to do like you.”

“Of course not – it wouldn’t be right for you.” And then we embraced as sisters for the first time in nearly fifteen years

I had never been that close to her – there was a six year age difference and she was only six when my uncle started on me and so it is almost as I have just gained a sister. My brother is about one and a half years older and we had got on well until I was twelve.

At that point, John and my brother came back and we moved on to a dinner. I didn’t speak much - my heart was too full with something between euphoria and relief. John could see that we needed time to adjust ourselves to each other and lightened the tone without deemphasising the positives of us reuniting.

The only serious question that we discussed was my mother – I pushed them not to cut her off completely as my brother was threatening – I could see that this would have conflicted too deeply with his deeply inbuilt sense of filial duty. I was surprised how much she knew about my life – including Annette, my work and even it seems Lin and Annie. She knew things I had not even put in my blog. Where was she getting the information? I asked John if he were talking to her and he said that the last time he had spoken to her was at our father’s funeral. There was an involuntary coldness in his voice when he mentioned this that made me look twice at him. My brother picked up on it also and said “was she rude to you?”

“Not really.”

“But she said something.”

“I t was a long time ago. I probably took it too seriously.”

John was not usually evasive like this and so she must have said something very poisonous for him to feel so strongly – clearly he did not want it to disrupt the reunion, But it was already out there and wouldn’t go away – better to know than for it to keep niggling at the back of the brain. I had known that John did not like my mother – in the past when I had said that I was probably unfair to her, he had always told me I was right and he had never encourage me to reconcile with her even though he had always presented a more positive view of my brother and sister.

I told him that he should tell us what had upset him and my brother backed me up. John said that he agreed with me that my brother should not cut off my mother and he did not need others feeding negatives into the story. My brother said that he took our point and would look after his mother as his father had asked him to irrespective of his own feelings but he doubted that John would upset him or my sister given that they had heard the poison from mother’s mouth many times.

John said that mother had told him to keep his wife away from her other children – she didn’t want them corrupted.

“But she said more, didn’t she, John? I want to hear everything – don’t hold back to protect me – with all my family around me now, I really want to hear everything she said.”

John sighed and said “I feel dirty even repeating it. She told me I was lowering myself by associating with you and said I should look at your sister to see what a decent girl is like. She said that you were a whore through and through and nothing could save you. She said you were only fit to be some pimp’s short-term girlfriend. That I should put you out in the gutter where you belong – she wanted to say more but I walked away – I couldn’t take the vicious filth I was hearing. As your partner, it was just too much but I really didn’t want to cause a scene at the funeral,”

My brother said “John, I apologise on behalf of my family – you should never hear your wife spoken of that way – I wish I thought you had misheard or misunderstood but it sounds like what she would say. I hope you know that I think you are a wonderful couple and again thank you so much for loving, caring and helping my sister.”

As for where she has been getting the information about me and my life, this still remains a mystery.

After the meal, we were all tired – the emotional out pouring was very draining - and we parted quite quickly but not before I gave the biggest hug to my brother. My sister gave me a big kiss and then, to my surprise, gave a big kiss on John’s cheek, saying “Thank you for being so good to my sister”.

John said that he really hoped we could catch up again very soon and my brother and sister both echoed this emphatically – I could only say that nothing could be more wonderful for me.

I knew how hard this had been for John –with Annette due any day, he hated to be too far away - he had discreetly checked his mobile a few times to ensure he wasn’t needed. Again, I felt the gratitude and love for John that I can hardly express – he pulled me out from darkness when we first met, reconciled me with my father and now had supported and led me into reconciliation with my brother and sister. Where would I be without him?

That night as I curled up beside him after we finished a passionate love making session, I fell asleep with a contented feeling of “belonging” more than I had for so long – not only did I have a marvellous and loving husband but also now I had a family – in realising this I saw how deeply I had been hurt by losing them. Now I have to think about my mother – can I forgive her and reach out? Deep in my heart, I feel she is not as evil as John thinks.

Saturday 28 March 2009 - 09:59AM (EST)