A Dirty Mid-Week Weekend

Annette decided to spend some days with her parents and Sue suggested that she and Lisa would love to have this time with her god daughter. So, John and I had a free couple of days and we decided to take a few days off work and go up the coast together.

As I mentioned before John reads my blog and so he said that he knows we need to talk and said that as long as we put it off, things would hang between us and so we should try for a heart-to-heart talk and talk about all the things on our mind. He suggested we talk things over the first night over dinner and when we cleared the air, we would be more ready to enjoy the rest of the days together.

I agreed but, in fact, we talked from the time we dropped off our daughter at Sue and Lisa’s, all the way up the coast, over dinner and late into the night. Not everything we discussed eased my mind – in fact there are some things I really have to chew over a lot – but it was wonderful to have John open up to me so much – it is so hard for him; he is in many ways a very private person – and also I saw a lot of things more clearly. Most of all I found again just how much I value John as a life partner and a lover – even if I am increasingly unsure how much and for how long he will need me.

John started the conversation off by telling me that he had not said I was strong but that I was stronger than Lin – and given how brittle Lin was, this was saying very little. He told me that Annette was wrong – I am not that strong and I need warmth and affection a lot. I need acceptance and friendly ears and I should never turn these away.

I asked him about Annette and how he felt for her. He said he cared a lot for her even if her little games sometimes drove him to distraction. He said that Annette’s deep and jealous love for me would always put a gap between him and her. He said that even when he had lived alone with her, it had been as if I was standing there between them.

I asked him if he thought I was lesbian like Annette said. He asked why I had to label myself lesbian, straight or even bi. He said that from his perspective I was a deeply sexual woman – the most sexual woman he had ever met - and sometimes I seemed more interested in women but he would hate to label me. When I really pushed him, he said his best guess was that I was bi with a preference towards women but that preference might disappear if I wasn’t working and getting an oversupply of cock. He told me not to let myself be defined by Annette. Annette had a strong motivation to say that I am gay. He did however agree with Annette that Sue and I were at one time a very likely couple but that even though we loved each other a lot, we would have quarrelled a lot – both of us are too strong-willed. He said that Sue still loved me but she had built up such a close relationship with Lisa that she would never give it up. Lisa and Sue were a great couple - so, it turned out well.

I asked him if he missed his fuck sessions with Lisa now that she is pregnant. He said that Lisa was very sexy and the sex had been good (actually I suspect it was much better than good but John wouldn’t say that to me) but he was relieved they were over. It was just too complicated with Sue. He mentioned that Sue had invited him around to give him “the greatest fuck of his life” to thank him for getting Lisa pregnant. I said “go for it” but I hoped that I would be “the greatest fuck of his life” and he replied “without a doubt”.

We talked as John drove and we stopped and had lunch on the way. Our conversation meandered a lot but it was the best conversation I have ever had with him – we covered everything, although I left the most important things to last since I was actually scared of the answer.

We talked about Chantelle and John said that Annette never needed to be jealous of her – I would get bored with her since she could never stimulate me intellectually. I remarked how pretty she was - John had met her last week in passing – and he agreed but said he found her wanting in that her eyes did not shine with the intelligence of my other friends – something he said that he finds most attractive – a harsh comment but fair I’m afraid and, after all, she did ask me how could I like an “old” man like John. I mentioned this and he just said “She’s got a point” which made me wish I hadn’t repeated it.

I told him that she was very sexy and I was tempted to sleep with her since she was so keen and he said that it was my decision but that I should remember she could get hurt – just because she isn’t as clever as some others didn’t mean she didn’t have feelings and couldn’t get hurt badly.

I asked John how he feels about F. and the hunk. He says that F. sounds quite decent and a good client – that he had provided a way of exploring my sexuality and that, although he (John) was jealous and worried about me becoming too attached, given my need to fuck around, F. was probably a good thing. Likewise, although a bit jealous, john thought my session with the hunk was probably a good thing – a young stud could be good for me – I should not always have to put up with older man. I reminded John that I preferred an older John to the younger hunk.

I mentioned that F. was curious to meet John of whom he said he was very jealous. John thought it was probably not a good idea but would let me decide what I think. I also mentioned the hunk was still texting me (at least it is only once or twice a day now) and begging me to see him. John asked how I felt about him and I said, I had enjoyed the fucking that time but his wishes for a relationship drove me crazy. John was sympathetic but said that he felt that the hunk had really satisfied me and it asked if I wanted to see him if he understood that it was just a sex thing. I was surprised how ready John was to let me fuck both F. and the hunk and was about to say something when John asked me about Sandra.

I think I haven’t mentioned that I had arranged a session for Sandra to lose her virginity with John - she had come around and I had set up a threesome. It was quite embarrassing because they actually knew each other slightly through work – although they work at different places. They did finish up fucking all the same and Sandra said afterwards it was good and she would like to do it again – although cock would never be as good as pussy. John was less keen, saying that there was something about Sandra which made him feel uncomfortable and he didn’t think it was just that she preferred women. I told him Sandra and I were having casual fucks when we could but that we were not serious and he said to me I should be careful of her – Annette had said the same earlier.

We talked about Jane – John said he was happy that Annie and she had become great friends. He told me that her husband was asking her to come back now but Jane didn’t want to. She said that she could not face a life in which all the people she mixed with thought her a slut and a second class person. I asked whether it might not still be the best solution given the children. John disagreed strongly. Her husband was violent once – it would happen again and also since he had bad-mouthed Jane everywhere, how could she appear with him and the children would be caught up in it.

Mentioning Annie however got me to the point where I knew I had to address the thing that has been most on my mind but which I am most frightened of knowing the answers and I put it bluntly: “John, tell me how do you love most me, Annie or Lin or is there someone else?”

John immediately said “I could talk for hours but words can never remove doubts – but think about my actions: Who do I stay with? Who do I prioritise? Who have I been with the longest time and with whom have I the deepest bonds? Grace, I feel tied to you in ways that go beyond just love – we are family.”

“Yes I know this but deep in my heart, I fear that you are torn – between duty to me and desire for others. I know I fuck around like a rabbit but, John, in my heart, no-one ever matches you in my heart – I am not so sure that you have the same feelings.”

“And Anna? Was I so much in your heart then?”

John said that in a quiet way but the question sent a chill through me because he had never mentioned Anna before as an issue. I realised that behind this question lay a lot of other questions: Why did I choose Anna? Would I do it again? Did I really love him? Even as I heard it, I realised how much John had been hurt but he was still trying to rebuild the bonds – he was giving us a chance to address a big barrier between us – he was not avoiding the big issues even if he had been badly hurt them by them.

The question stopped me for a second – not because it was an unfair question but because it revealed too much to me. We were already in the motel room and I moved close to him and embraced him and then I almost blew it – despite myself, I felt so bad, I started to cry. I know how tears are so often a tool for avoiding things and John clearly thought this was what was happening because he said “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.”

“No, John, you should have said that and much more – I am so glad you asked this but I feel so bad about it. It was the dumbest thing I have done in my life – I know it is hard for you to believe this but even when I was chasing Anna, I knew I was wrong but I was determined to prove myself – I was my most obstinate and my most stupid. I wanted you to stop me but I know I would have rebelled – when you gave way and let me choose, I just pushed on and soon it crumbled around me – even if Anna had stayed or it had been someone better than Anna I would have soon hated myself because all the time I was missing you. As soon as you started seeing Annette, I felt a knife inside me but I denied it. John, I don’t believe I can ever make it up to you but believe it I know I screwed up big-time - not by choosing Anna - but by letting you out of my sight and that’s what frightens me.”

John told me to calm down and gently held my head on his shoulder, stroking my hair as he told me that it was no use blaming myself and that he did care for me. It was his way of saying that he had heard me and that we should move on.

By then I knew I needed John and I gently unzipped John’s pants and knelt before him and started to lick his cock. We made slow, passionate love. Sometimes slow and gentle is the best and I hope it was half as good for John as it was for me.

Afterwards, we lay together, peacefully and I was basking in the pleasure, feeling John’s cum still filling my pussy (all in my mind but a very satisfying thought) I knew I had to break the mood and address the one point that was still unsettled in my mind. If I didn’t talk now, I would let it slide and eventually I would face it in a worse form. Over the last few weeks, I had been thinking a lot about John, watching him with our daughter and thinking about Lin and Annie and why they were drawn to him and how he responded.

Finally, I spoke:

“John, I don’t want to talk – I just want to lie here, enjoying the pleasure of the moment but I know there will never be a better minute to talk – we have just expressed our love in the most physical way. But, I am worried about some things. If you want to talk later then I will stop and I know I am ruining the moment but I need to know some things.”

John rolled on his side and put his arm around me and kissed me very gently - something in my heart wanted to extend this moment forever but I knew it couldn’t.

“Grace, we are tired, but also we have opened up to each other a lot – I don’t want to stop mid-stream. I want to go with the flow and if something is bothering you, please tell me – you are not ruining the moment, you are building on it.”

“Thank you, John. You will never know how much I appreciate your listening. Earlier, you seemed not to care if I fuck the hunk and F. In fact you encouraged me almost. Don’t you feel jealous, at all? Or do you want to shunt me off so that you can fuck Annie and Lin?”

“Grace, I am NOT shunting you off and I have never fucked Lin when you are not there. I am careful not to get more involved because I value you and my marriage above all – I can see Lin coming between us if I am not careful. As for Annie, I have pulled back there too. And, yes, I am very jealous of other men but what I value is the special moments you give me – like now – and the fact that we have had a daughter together – the ultimate act of union for me. You are early 20s (actually 26) and I am mid-50s (actually 52). I am too old for you – I cannot fully satisfy such a sexual woman as you – you need more than I can give. And I am so turned on by your sexuality. You call yourself a slut and while I do not like the derogatory nature of the term, your sluttishness is such an exciting part of you – you are my eternal whore. My worry is my own perverted love of whores may be forcing you to do things you do not want. But for me, by your telling me about F., the hunk, your girlfriends like Sandra and Chantelle and your clients, you are incorporating them into our relationship and you can express your sexuality within our marriage. But, Grace, it does really worry me that maybe you are feeling you have to fuck around because I want it – I really want you to only do what you want.”

“I really love fucking around. I want to be a slut and fuck like a rabbit. I chose to be a hooker. I choose to keep working. When I thought I had lost you, I still fucked around and my sessions with F. were the only thing I even partly enjoyed. Before we married, when I wasn’t working, I went out “slutting”, letting strangers fuck me and it turned me on. So you are not forcing or making me do things. But, John, although I might love slutting, what makes it most exciting is knowing that I can tell you and have you turned on – when I tell you and you get hard and take me without asking as if you have the right to use me for your pleasure, any time that you want – then I feel so good. Often when I am turning a trick, I am thinking of you and how you will fuck me after I tell you – so I enjoy both the trick and the fuck with you. You add to the excitement so much and now you do it so well – before you were always a bit restrained.”

“I guess that’s something I learnt from what you said about F. I have tried to copy his manner of using you – and it does turn me on to sometimes just push you on the bed and fuck you like a sex object. But it isn’t what holds me to you.”

“I know – and if it was only animal fucks, you wouldn’t be so special but I do value these animal fucks so much. John, I need you physically but I value you infinitely more emotionally. You are just so wonderful in the way that you support me and make me feel special.”

Finally I could get off my chest an impression that had been building up as I have thought about things:

“John, I have to say something. Maybe I’m a stupid woman but I am realising something that is hard for me to face and which, because you are such a good man, you are struggling with this while trying not to hurt anyone. You are by nature someone who finds satisfaction in being protective. When I am hurt or need love, you are there, listening and helping. The way you care for our daughter is incredible. Your love for her and gentleness make you a great father and it is no wonder she adores you and feels so safe with you. But you do it so gently, so respectfully that it is not arrogant, it is warm and wonderful. It is your nature – I do wonder why you are so shy about letting others care for you back – Sue, Lisa, me – we all want to care that much for you as a friend and in my case as a lover and a wife but you always seem to feel you are imposing – you do not value yourself enough and I am worried that you could easily become a doormat to some user.”

“Now, I think of Annie and Lin – and yes I am very jealous of them both and I know why – they appeal to the protective side of your nature – they are vulnerable and they are drawn to you by your understanding and warmth. To be fair, in both cases, they are not users but genuine people. I watched Lin last time we had dinner together – I was amazed how blind I had been about her feelings for you until Annette pointed it out. Her eyes were on you all the time – when you listened to her and encouraged her, she was absorbing it and drawing life from your interest. She wants you so much.”

I continued “I tried to look from your perspective, How can you resist such an absolutely gorgeous woman – and I know how you love slim Asian girls – one who wants you so much and thrives on what you love to do – be protective. She needs you and I can tell you are heavily attracted to her – you resist because you have a stupid wife” – “Grace!” John interrupted but I pressed on. “I know you want to fuck her so much and I am surprised to hear you haven’t – why not – she is perfect for you.”

John spoke carefully “It is true that Lin is very sexy and, yes, I want to fuck her. But in many ways, it is best for her that she finds friendship is not just fucking. And you have been accusing me of undervaluing myself but what about you? Do you think you are not central to my views – maybe I have lust for Lin but I have lust for you too – and I have a rounded history too. I have talked to Lin and she knows why I don’t fuck her – she did offer. She seems so surprised that I keep contact with her and treat her like a friend without demanding fucks. Maybe that is more protective – more helpful for her - than just fucking her. Also Lin may be a bit mixed up but she is good-hearted – she does not want to split us. She told me that she loved me but wants me to stay with you – she says she only wants to be my casual fuck partner. She says she is jealous of Annie since I fuck her and keep a friendship.”

“John, do you love Lin?”

“No, I like her a lot and I find her very sexy but I love you.”

“And Annie?”

“Likewise”

“But if you got to know them, they might be better for you than me”

“Why should I want to find out – I am happy with you – and I already have so much with you – if you want to satay, that is”

“But they want you.”

“And you do not?”

“Yes I do want you. I need you and I know you protect me too from my dark hours. I made a big mistake with Anna but one thing I learnt was that testing your needs gives you better understanding - I am exceedingly jealous of Lin and Annie but also proud that my husband can make such beautiful people love you so deeply. I am stupid and arrogant and have regarded all these people as extensions of my life but I am learning just how much you attract women in your own right–John, you draw them because you are so wonderful and easy-to-love. These people need you. You share my body with my clients and others. I should share you protectiveness with those who need you. Lin needs you, Annie needs you - they want to fuck you as well as being protected – to make their relationship less of you giving and they taking. I think you should go with the flow unless you really don’t want to. If I am really worth anything to you, they won’t take you away from me. You’ll come back. If I lose you, I’ll be devastated but it is better to risk it than to hold on selfishly. I’ve got to trust you just as you trust me.”

John seemed unconvinced but I believe that if our relationship can let him reach out to Lin and Annie, it will be better – I know that he finds it hard to turn away from them when they are vulnerable and fragile.

However, I think we were all talked out and we drifted into sleep. I slept soundly and happily feeling the warmth of John’s body next to me. When I woke I found John was there watching me and I pulled him to m nd had another of those special fucks I can only have with him. We spent the rest of our few days together, making love, walking along the beach and sharing loving time – although I must confess that I kept ringing Sue to see how our daughter was until Sue threatened to cut me off if I called any more times. I was glad to have had all these issues out and discussed at the start - no matter what John decides about Lin and Annie these two days were a wonderful time of relaxing and sharing company and rebuilding the bonds between us. And one things that I did more than for a long time was laugh – John can be very silly when he wants to and he just played the fool at times, so well that I couldn’t help myself, I was in hysterics. It was so good to just chill out, laugh and enjoy things.

When I got back to Sydney, I did wonder if I had been a bit hasty encouraging John towards Lin and Annie – I really dread losing him and Lin is just so gorgeous and so in love with him. I talked with Sue briefly and she laughed at me saying “Grace, it is good that you gave John a chance to explore with Annie and Lin – it fits so well with your whole marriage – free-fucking but deep love – but stop fantasising about losing John - you have him wrapped around your fingers - he adores you too much – he will never give you up – you’re going to be his little personal whore as long as you want.” I hope she is right but I have learnt not to take it for granted.

Our mid-week dirty weekend was so great – I really loved that time of talking, fucking, laughing and just being together. I hope we can do it again soon.


Saturday 14 February 2009 - 10:48AM (EST)