Well Annie is definitely very keen on John – she told me that. She commented that she has never met a man who is so nice and respectful towards her. As a transsexual, most people treat her as a freak or a fuck object – John treats her as a person first of all. He listens to her and is non-judgemental. Annie says she has told him more than she has told any other person.
She told me that she thinks is good-looking and a great stud – even if he is older than her usual boyfriends. Then she started to tell me how if a guy likes transsexuals he will not be satisfied with a biological woman – she hinted that Annette and I should let go of him and let her look after him – she would be the best for him.
I was actually very upset by this and thought a lot about it before I finished up asking John. First off, he told me that he would never give up me for Annie or anyone else. He said he would not discuss Annie further until I accepted that as the basis for any remarks he made. I said o.k. even though I wasn’t that confident. He then said he had been worried about Annie for some time and had actually been quite stressed by the time he had stayed with her while Jane and her family were in our flat – but he couldn’t make a thing of it because Jane’s immediate needs were too pressing.
I was quite pushy to find out what John really feels. I asked him if he enjoyed fucking her – what did they do together. John is in many ways quite shy about talking of his sexual experiences – but, when he saw I needed an answer, he told me that he enjoyed sex with her. Did he suck her? Yes? Had he fucked her ass? Yes. Has she fucked his ass? Yes. Did he enjoy ass-fucking? Not much – he much preferred 69 with each one sucking the other’s cock.
I asked John does he feel he is fucking a girl or a man – he answered that he doesn’t really think in these terms with her: she is a person but he admitted it was her femininity that attracted him. He reminded me that first and foremost Annie is a person not a fuck object and that it is not a male/female thing.
I was getting very jealous and also very uncomfortable with this. Clearly John did enjoy Annie’s company and could do things he couldn’t do with me. I had introduced Annie to John and encouraged and participated in their first fucks together but it was growing beyond me and I was (and still am) beginning to regret that I did not keep them apart.
John could sense I was upset and started to calm me. First of all, he asked whether I wanted him to give up seeing Annie. He would do so if I asked – immediately. I said that I was very jealous because I felt he loved Annie better. He reminded me that having great fuck sessions was different from loving and I should know that. Did I love the hunk? I said I wanted him to enjoy himself. He said he would enjoy himself even if he were only fucking me and so that was not a consideration and then repeated his question: did I want him to give up Annie?
I was very split – the jealous part of me said yes strongly but I know that our lifestyle will fall apart if I give way to jealousy. John has as much – if not more – reason to be jealous. Also I guess in my more rational thoughts, I realised that if he really wanted Annie, he would go to her in the long run – so, better not to force the issue.
I asked him if he wanted to give her up and he said it was tricky – although he enjoyed the fucking, he had never wanted to get close to Annie since he could see there were deep troubles ahead. John had told her from the start that he was totally committed to me and Annette but she kept pushing and did not listen even though she answered yes when he said it. He explained that Annie had had a very difficult time – the world was very unaccepting of transsexuals and they were vulnerable to abuse or misuse. Annie had been played with and used too much
He commented that Annie was a very lonely and very fragile person. Jane had become surprisingly good friends with Annie in a very short time and John and Jane had talked about this. Jane had told John not to play games with Annie – she could too easily get hurt. John had explained that he was not playing games but was trying to pull back and had been all along but Annie was making all the moves. He commented that Jane gave no useful suggestions.
I asked him if he were single, would he be interested in a full relationship with Annie. He said it would be challenging but maybe yes. He then commented that he thought part of the attraction Annie felt was because of Annette and me – if we were not there she would probably not want him – again I think he undervalues himself. John also remarked that it would be good if Annie could find the right man – he was sure that there were plenty of men better than him who could love a beautiful she-male like Annie. (Yes, she is gorgeous, I hate to admit – that’s one reason I am so jealous.)
I commented on Annie’s statements that once a man has been with a trannie, he cannot give them up and will not want a normal woman like me. John said he had heard trannies say that a lot but he knew it wasn’t true in his case and he would give up Annie immediately to prove it to me. He remarked that this comment was probably a defence mechanism on the part of transsexuals to create their own strength in a world in which they were horribly powerless.
After talking to John, I realised just how messy it is and I am worried that someone (quite probably Annie) is going to get very hurt. Afterwards, I talked to Annette about this and she was way ahead of me on the problems but also not sure what we could do to help. Like John, I wish Annie would find the right man – but, unlike John, I realise that it is hard to find men as tolerant and warm as him and that Annie was showing good taste and good sense in wanting him – he is the best.
Saturday 3 January 2009 - 02:37PM (EST)
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