Sandra

I often type up blog entries when I am off line - I had written this one before Jane came round as discussed in my previous blog entry – somehow, at the moment this discussion seems less important given that Jane is our major immediate focus but, since I had written it, I thought I would share the blog post all the same.

I have mentioned my friend Sandra a while back as the girl at a gay party who said that I didn’t look like a hooker. I said at that time that we had since become good friends since then – it is rare for me to form a friendship with a non-hooker – it is hard to open up with someone who cannot understand what I do. But somehow Sandra and I can talk freely about almost anything – she is intrigued about my work although Sandra has said that I should recognise my inner worth more and give up whoring and work in a more positive way. At one point she told me that John was not good enough for me and I got really mad at her but then she backed off and more recently commented that John does seem to make me happy.

Sandra works at a bank – I don’t know exactly what she does but she sounds successful. She has been in a long term relationship with a pretty woman in her early 30s who, about two months back, dropped Sandra for another girl. I had always regarded Sandra’s ex-gf as a cold bitch (and I think that description is complimentary) but Sandra took it really hard.

Since then we have caught up quite a bit for lunch. She told me that at the age of 31 she is still a virgin with men. (She has had quite a few casual fucks with other women s well as her relationship.) She has never touched a cock, let alone sucked or fucked one. I was really quite amazed. I asked her if she had never tried, how could she know she didn’t like men. She said she just knew - I have to take her word for it. I asked her if she was curious and did she want to try some time and she admitted that she was a bit curious.

Until recently the relationship between her and me has always been platonic. Last time however Sandra asked me to her place and made a move on me. She sat down beside me in her couch and told me how much she loved me – that she really desired me. At that point, she tried to put her arms around me and I pulled back a bit. I was feeling uncomfortable.

At that, she burst into tears saying that I didn’t find her attractive – she must be very ugly because I wouldn’t sleep with her. I explained she is beautiful (she is, I wasn’t lying) but I am in a committed relationship with John and Annette and I don’t want to hurt her by playing games. I was flattered by her interest but I couldn’t promise anything.

She said that she understood that but she just wanted somebody to hold and love – she did not expect her love returned. She said she would pay me if I would fuck her. That actually irritated me more than it should given that I sell my body. I told her I do not sell myself to my friends and I started to go.

She begged me not to go and said that she didn’t think that way but she needed me so much that she said it in haste. She understood why I was annoyed and she would never say such a thing again – she just begged that I wouldn’t give her up as a friend. She would never ask me for sex again if I didn’t want it.

Then she started to cry – I am beginning to under stand why John comments that tears are so hard to deal with. I took her in my arms and comforted her. Then we started to kiss and touch and finally we finished up making slow sensual love. She was a great lover and so responsive. The sex was really great in a way I can only enjoy with another woman (although, I would still rather be fucked by John.)

Now she keeps texting me with explicit messages. I have to be careful so that I do not hurt her or lead her on. Why do I let things get so complicated? I must learn how to say “no” nicely.

Afterthought: When I was writing this I realised something that had been at the back of my mind. The way Sandra acts towards me is based heavily upon my being a whore. Although she talks about loving me, she expected me to have sex with me at her request and it was completely unexpected by her that a woman who sells her cunt would not just give her sex immediately. When she offered me money she was again basing her actions on the fact that I sell myself. It is this type of attitude that puts a gap between me and non-hooker girls. I don’t think Sandra rationalised it this way but it was just a set of preconceptions about me. Actually I am a hooker – so why should I be offended? I guess I can live with it. In fact, I am surprised that I even mind at all.

Saturday 13 December 2008 - 12:44PM (EST)