Just Unacceptable

Although I am pretty much up in the clouds at the moment with John having come back, sometimes the nastier side of reality impinges. This week two separate stories have confronted me and made me think.

The first was one of my co-workers was beaten up by her boyfriend. She couldn’t work because of her black eye and bruises. All of us – my boss included – have been trying to persuade her to get away from him – we worry for her. He keeps on apologising and saying it is the last time but we know it isn’t.

Quite separate to this, I was talking to F. and he mentioned his wife. Apparently, she gets very angry and will hit, bite and spit at him. I’ve seen the bite marks and scratches. F. explained that although he is stronger, he does not hit back – why? Because if he does, it will inflame the situation and also there is a good risk he will be charged with wife-beating. So why does he stay? To be with his children and also create a shield for them from their mother’s anger.


She tells him he deserves to be hit because he is such a useless man ––he is just not good enough. She doesn’t know about his sessions with me - how would that set her off? He said that when he talked to one counsellor about it, the response was “what are you doing wrong?” and, implicitly, “why are you so weak”. He feels trapped and I can sometimes sense the anger and frustration emerging in our sessions – although I always feel safe with him.


I discussed this with John and he could identify with F. His previous marriage had some of the same problems – although there were no kids and his wife finally moved on to her next victim – his wife tried to come back but John was committed to me by that time and refused point-blank. He said that he received the “you are weak” attitude when he didn’t hit her back but he remarked that it is much harder and requires more strength to stand and bear the blows than to just hit back.

I feel very sheltered – although I have experienced the risks of violence in the work place, I have never been involved with a violent person in my private life. As for the cases of my co-worker and F. (and John also in his past), it seems to me that we need to emphasise again and again that domestic violence whether perpetrated by a man or a woman is just plain unacceptable and we should not spend our time criticising the victim. It is the person who does it who is completely and utterly wrong.

Sunday 31 August 2008 - 11:30AM (EST)